AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

[Echo15]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We have a 4 month old son. I had a traumatic birth so sex is still painful and therefore rare. It's been a very loving, equal marriage. A few years ago we both agreed that we shouldn't watch porn because we felt it disrespected / didn't align with our marriage vows and wouldn't make the other person feel good.

Caught my husband masturbating to porn while I looked after the baby a few days ago. He says it's happened a few times but is sorry and won't do it again.

I feel really hurt. I know we're not having much sexual intimacy at the moment but surely that's normal with a baby? He happily agreed not to watch porn years ago, so now I feel i can't trust him. The timing of this has really knocked my confidence given I'm postpartum but I'm mostly just angry that he did it despite our agreement, I assume because he thought he wouldn't get caught as I was busy with DS. He wanted children but now I feel discarded and disregarded because my body has changed and I'm busy with DS. I have birthed his child and this is what I get.

AIBU?

I can understand why you’re hurt, and I would be too. Porn feels disrespectful, and you’re looking after a baby while he’s watching that.
At the same time, he’s obviously sexually frustrated. It’s a shame he can’t masturbate without porn, but it seems like a lot of men can’t.
I’ve got mixed feelings about this one so I’m not sure if you’re being unreasonable or not.

I think if you’re not having a sexual relationship at the moment, it’s okay if he uses porn and masturbates to satisfy himself in the meantime.

Would you feel better if he’d asked you if he could watch porn temporarily?

I understand you feel hurt and he’s broken an agreement. If I was in your shoes I’d let it go as long as he’s genuinely sorry and it won’t happen again unless you both agree with it.

If that was the agreement, I would call quits on the wanker.

'We' had an agreement or you came up with the agreement?

I'd bet my house he's been using it all along op, sorry.

Give the man a break!

We had an open conversation about general relationship boundaries and this was something we both discussed and agreed on. I didn't just ban him out of the blue.

You can't have it both ways

Dh did similar.

Ds is 12 and it's a grudge I still hold..
Never mention it but our relationship hasn't been the same since.

Both ways? What do you mean?

She had a traumatic birth and has a 4 month old baby! What do you mean she can't have it both ways? Because she's not up for having sex yet? Jesus.

Wow! That’s really sad.

It's not great seeing as you had an agreement but if you aren't having sex at the moment, I sort of see why he might do this. I am in no way saying you should be having sex at this point btw. This is not a reflection on you or your post birth body and you should not allow it to affect your confidence. It is just a means to an end while your focus is (rightly) on your baby.

I think it’s fair to be hurt about your husband using porn. I can’t tell if you’re upset that he was masturbating, but if you are, I don’t think that part is fair.

Porn is vile. Make time with each other and figure out alternatives. He can restrain but he chooses not to. We've all been taught it's okay to be impulsive, selfish and instant gratification is permissive. So, this is an insidious societal issue but it's not insurmountable. You're not unreasonable to feel hurt but be proactive and remember change can take time.

You are not being unreasonable, OP.

He agreed to not look at objectified women being used sexually (possibly non-consensually), and he should've kept his word. It's no doubt frustrating for him that you're (very understandably) not wanting sex right now due to pain, but that's what his hand and his imagination is for.

Extraordinary that men only discovered masturbation when porn became available……

You may have had an agreement but the situation has changed and therefore your agreement needs reviewing.

I think there were cave drawings of porn.

Why can't he just masturbate and use his vivid imagination? It's possible to wank off without porn.

Oh yeah, super hot stuff, those crudely drawn depictions of sex

Men (and women) DO NOT require porn to masturbate, and never have. They might like it, but they don't need it. (Unless they get addicted to it)

Here we go....

I really wish that men could realise that the world does not revolve around their penis.

His wife just had a baby so it perfectly normal that sex is not going to be possible while she recovers.

No having sex for a bit is not going to kills him...

There is zero need for him to watch porn. He can masturbate without it.

Being a 'pick-me woman' is not attractive either by the way.

It’s not really a matter of “I birthed his baby so he shouldn’t wank to porn.” The two things aren’t related. My DH does all kinds of great and selfless tasks but it’s not much help when he’s busy elsewhere and I want to get off. I only use ethical porn btw so don’t come at me, but in your case it seems his mistake was making an agreement he couldn’t realistically stick to. Personally I’d turn a blind eye and not read so much into it. It’s a common functional thing not generally a reflection on you or your sex life.

I'm so sorry that you're incapable of pleasuring yourself and achieving a satisfying sexual climax without watching other strangers having sexual intercourse.
That's really very sad, quite genuinely.