AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

[Echo15]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We have a 4 month old son. I had a traumatic birth so sex is still painful and therefore rare. It's been a very loving, equal marriage. A few years ago we both agreed that we shouldn't watch porn because we felt it disrespected / didn't align with our marriage vows and wouldn't make the other person feel good.

Caught my husband masturbating to porn while I looked after the baby a few days ago. He says it's happened a few times but is sorry and won't do it again.

I feel really hurt. I know we're not having much sexual intimacy at the moment but surely that's normal with a baby? He happily agreed not to watch porn years ago, so now I feel i can't trust him. The timing of this has really knocked my confidence given I'm postpartum but I'm mostly just angry that he did it despite our agreement, I assume because he thought he wouldn't get caught as I was busy with DS. He wanted children but now I feel discarded and disregarded because my body has changed and I'm busy with DS. I have birthed his child and this is what I get.

AIBU?

It is very common, that’s the problem, it’s addictive.
The more interesting the more money, the more girls trafficked, abuse.

It is the Andrew Tate and Epstein world. Not worth entering for wanking materiel, yes so many people have not learned anything.

The impact on young men is horrendous since it’s full of incest storylines and even rape depending on the sites on the dark web.

I think this is so true.

I've suffered CSA and sex trafficking as a teen, so sadly not naive.

I've seen and experienced some of the worst of what men like to do, sexually, and yes, I do think all porn is dehumanising because it makes people into things. I also know that it's practically impossible to know whether or not someone in a porno is being raped or not, and that if you can get off on porn even knowing that you might be wanking off to a rape, then you have a serious problem.

Regardless a sizeable minority of men don't watch porn, even now, with it being freely available everywhere and thoroughly normalised and excused, so it's silly to act as though it's inevitable that men will watch porn. Plenty don't!

But we do that all the time when we tell partners that they can't have sex with other people. It's fine to draw boundaries, and say 'if you do x, then I can't be with you', whether that's picking their nose in public, watching porn, or having sex with someone else.

It would be over for me. Not just the promise but the fact he thinks potentially trafficked women and girls are a product to be consumed.

Exactly what I was going to say. Porn is wholly unnecessary.

See ..I find this bizarre...
I am married 30 years ..and I genuinely have no idea if my husband watches porn or not ..
It has never crossed my mind to ask him
It's his personal business..
I suspect he isn't..but if he was ,it's not my business what he does with his body

I mean, I have an incredibly low opinion of men, and yet even I have more respect for them than you, it seems.
No, my husband doesn't watch porn, like 33% of the UK (25% don't watch it, and 8% have never watched it), and no, he's not lying. I'm sure you won't believe that, but that just makes me sad for you that you haven't encountered a decent man (they might not be the majority, but they do exist!) I suppose they can be few and far between though.

But regardless, a man shouldn't agree to something and then break his word, like OP's husband has.

Yes, this is my stance on it too.

Also, a lot of men don't like watching other men having sex even if it is consensual. If they want sex, they can just go and ask for it like an adult.

All of this, "all men do it," stuff is just so lame.

It's like the 1950s equivalent of "all men cheat" or "all men beat their wives" so we should just accept it and turn a blind eye.

Roast beef, anyone? Starters? Martinis? Oh, don't mind that black eye. That was given to me when I asked about my DH's mistress! I know I shouldn't have asked, silly me, all men cheat. That's what everyone tells me! Refill your drink?

Well, I'm afraid that isn't going to happen and women like me will continue to not allow the normalisation of porn under the guise of "all men and even women" trope.

I'm very happy to see that the OP has taken a stance against it because she's being honest to herself, her partner and others about the damage that porn causes.

Firmly on her side about this and firmly believe it can and will be overcome. Rooting for you, OP! Don't let society normalise abuse within your marriage and via the porn industry!

I'm off for a cuppa ❤

Sadly these threads attract posters who cringe at the idea of sex, and like to pretend sex is a male thing (and try to shame women at the same time).

Of course you had a baby and sex is the very last thing on your mind. I am more puzzled by women who want to have sex very soon after the birth. Just going to the loo is a mission, and something most of us dread, but sex?

That said, a partner (male or a lesbian partner, it doesn't matter) masturbating when their other half needs time and space? Such a non issue. They're not having an affair.

I think it depends on what it is. Cheating is obviously off limits unless agreed otherwise. Personal 'bathing time' as I see it is more of a private thing. I can't and don't want to police that. If the bathroom door is closed, it's closed! I wouldn't even want to know!

So would you be okay with him paying to chat to a woman on Only Fans while he masturbates to her? Is that private? Where do you draw the line? It's okay to draw it at 'no porn ever'.

What exactly is ethical porn? Unless you mean written erotica, there's always a chance someone has been coerced into something.

I listen to a podcast, the actress was heavily addicted to cocaine since starting in the industry.
In one scene deep throat she passed out, the camera was redirected to all lower half, the actor too, while she was unconscious.
Reading about the huge sex trafficking rings around the world, it can’t be separated from what’s happening on screen.

Yanbu OP. It's a betrayal, you both agreed this was something that was not okay within the relationship just like any other boundary and he went and stomped on it. My husband and I have the same boundary and he is very aware if he crossed it they'd not be a relationship anymore.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You aren't saying he shouldn't masturbate, so all the posters saying "what's the poor man to do with less sex?" are irrelvant.

He agreed not to do something and he did it. He can manage fine without it it really isn't a hardship.

You have had 9 months of being pregnant and then the labour and recovery. Your body has performed miracles and been through trauma. I'm sure he could manage to pleasure his without porn but he chose to watch it.

Nobody is “cringing at the idea of sex”. Some of us are cringing at the conflation of masturbation and pornography.

Well obviously we do, no tattoos or piercings (other than ears) until 18, no sex until 16, etc etc. (I could go on.)

I police what my DS watches, and I'm sure you'd be up in arms if I was showing him (a two year old) porn.

That's a very good question. No, I think that would cross a huge boundary for most people using OF. FWIW I really loathe porn and anything like that especially as I get older. I don't know how we go about making porn less normalised. I hope it's true that the younger generation of men are not watching it as much and so hopefully less in demand.

Who on earth is pretending sex is a male thing, or cringing at the idea of sex??

Agreed. I masturbate, although I haven't had sex since before DS was born. I use my imagination. I used to read a lot of erotica too (mostly fan fiction, although I did know someone who had written and published erotica and I have some of her books.) DS was conceived the old fashioned way (sex) although I have one friend who's DD was conceived via sperm donor/artificial insemination.

Agree! And I get you with the fan fiction 😏 It's the best smutty romance out there.

It's not about what he does with his body. OP hasn't objected to that.

It's the moral and ethical mismatch of values. OP thought she and her husband shared a view that matters to her and now she's found they don't, and it's compounded by his sneakiness and deceit at a time when she needs his support and to be able to trust him.

I think this is part of the issue for me (along with the obvious ethical concerns) where the lines become more blurred when 'everyone watches porn' is mentioned. What is now defined as 'porn' and what is more than that? Surely everyone has a different line and this needs to be agreed to to understand? Porn is no longer watching an unknown person or 'celebrity' in a scene, I feel it is much more personal now. Porn can be defined as wanking off to explicit social media posts, following the person with the option to messege the person. It can be joining in with a reddit thread where someone shares explicit photos. Where is the line between 'porn' and 'sexting?'.