AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

[Echo15]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We have a 4 month old son. I had a traumatic birth so sex is still painful and therefore rare. It's been a very loving, equal marriage. A few years ago we both agreed that we shouldn't watch porn because we felt it disrespected / didn't align with our marriage vows and wouldn't make the other person feel good.

Caught my husband masturbating to porn while I looked after the baby a few days ago. He says it's happened a few times but is sorry and won't do it again.

I feel really hurt. I know we're not having much sexual intimacy at the moment but surely that's normal with a baby? He happily agreed not to watch porn years ago, so now I feel i can't trust him. The timing of this has really knocked my confidence given I'm postpartum but I'm mostly just angry that he did it despite our agreement, I assume because he thought he wouldn't get caught as I was busy with DS. He wanted children but now I feel discarded and disregarded because my body has changed and I'm busy with DS. I have birthed his child and this is what I get.

AIBU?

He said he wouldn't. He lied. He didn't have to lie. He doesn't need porn.

So, the question is what is OP going to do about the lying wanker?

I think you need to separate the two. It's ok to masturbate. It's not ok to watch porn. Porn is mostly trafficked women so by using it he is supporting the abuse of women for his own sexual gratification. That's not a man any woman should want to be with.

No, it doesn't. He can just wank without the online prostitution.

Hope this helps.

Other people's opinions on here about porn are neither here nor there. The point is, you had an agreement and he broke it. I'm not surprised you are hurt and upset, and I'm sorry you are in this position now.

Of course hes been watching porn the whole time. The majority of men do, some women are just gullible to believe their husband doesn't.

I wouldn't been impressed to have walked in on him doing it whilst you were home though.

OK. He can draw his own then.

Is he allowed to wank? Or just not to porn?

I agree, it is incredibly sad her husband chose to be a lying wanker, ruining her trust of him, thereby forever negatively affecting their relationship. It is indeed sad.

Don't be a lying wanker is the main takeaway from this thread.

Of course hes been watching porn the whole time. The majority of men do, some women are just gullible to believe their man husband doesn't.

This is simply not true. We're not all simpletons walking around with fairy dust between our heads and unaware of the man we shared vows with just because that's what you want to believe. If your man is looking at porn, that's sad for you, but it's not a problem we share.

Drawings and written literature are not using physical human bodies, they rely on imagination, which is fine.

I wasn't defending it, I was just pointing out that for some, they need the visual and being snarky about the quality of the cave stuff is dismissive and makes you sound a bit ignorant.
Again, I'm not defending it.

Majority? Perhaps, at least over an entire lifetime - but some men are actually decent people. Maybe not a high percentage, to be fair, but certainly a large minority.

This probably isn’t the best place to post as the majority of Mumsnet posters seem to think that all men need porn in order to survive and any woman who thinks her husband doesn’t watch porn is fooling herself. 🙄

I think you need to say to him exactly what you’ve posted: that you feel hurt, that you’re also affected by the lack of sexual intimacy, and that you feel like you can’t trust him. Make it clear that you need support and reassurance from him.

No, her comment about the cave drawing was perfectly fair.

You do sound very much like you're defending online prostitution, so you should stop doing that since you claim you're not.

And nobody needs online prostitution to wank. HTH.

They don't 'need the visual'. If that were the case no man would be able to masturbate without porn. It might help them but it's not a 'need'.

Also, if they aren't horny in the first place why do they need to look at porn. And if they are horny in the first place then, again, why do they need to look at porn. It's just an excuse.

No need to feel sorry for me, I’m more than fine thanks. And you’re being extremely limited, as if people don’t find a whole range of different things stimulating. It’s pointless having this chat though, people tend to get it or they don’t.

Not ignorant. Just dismissive. Cave painting are nowhere near in the same league as hardcore live-action porn, and may not have even been used as masturbatory material (certainly, it's really not very sexy).

Yes, it's a shame you don't get it.

Of course most men watch porn! I don't say that from a place of pearl clutching, but as a realist. Men who don't watch porn are very clearly and obviously in the minority

I also don't think every man who watches porn is 'vile' and deserving of a firing squad

It just really must suck to know that if you don't have access to visual electronic devices so you can watch other people have sex, you can't orgasm. How terribly restrictive for you!

And excluding 'watching other people have intercourse' from the list of things you can do while self-stimulating really isn't very limiting, trust me. But then, I suppose considering your issue is a lack of imagination, it's not very surprising you don't understand that!

People who defend their use of porn, or their partner's use of porn, never admit that they are participating in the abuse of women, they always just focus on their own sexual gratification as if that justifies the trafficking.

I'm amazed how many women support this.

Some of these replies are wild. 😂

I say this really gently, but I think you might be unrealistic to expect your husband to abide by the rules. I don't generally like it and I don't think it's right, I understand completely where you're coming from.. but the reality is a lot of men like porn and masturbating. It's a physical release. I get why it feels disrespectful particularly if you've recently had a baby.

If this was me.. I'd give my other half a little more space and turn a blind eye to what my partner did in his own space as long as it was hidden. If you make a big issue out of it, it might not stop him doing it, he will possibly keep it more hidden and then it will feel more secretive if caught. If he is a good man in all the over ways I would personally let it go for the time being. You're both adjusting to a lot of change with a new baby.