AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

[Echo15]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We have a 4 month old son. I had a traumatic birth so sex is still painful and therefore rare. It's been a very loving, equal marriage. A few years ago we both agreed that we shouldn't watch porn because we felt it disrespected / didn't align with our marriage vows and wouldn't make the other person feel good.

Caught my husband masturbating to porn while I looked after the baby a few days ago. He says it's happened a few times but is sorry and won't do it again.

I feel really hurt. I know we're not having much sexual intimacy at the moment but surely that's normal with a baby? He happily agreed not to watch porn years ago, so now I feel i can't trust him. The timing of this has really knocked my confidence given I'm postpartum but I'm mostly just angry that he did it despite our agreement, I assume because he thought he wouldn't get caught as I was busy with DS. He wanted children but now I feel discarded and disregarded because my body has changed and I'm busy with DS. I have birthed his child and this is what I get.

AIBU?

I'm extremely single, but carry on your fantasy!

Anyway, the usual coolwives and apologists for online prostitution have turned up to defend creepy men, and make themselves feel better about their husbands being perverts addicted to online prositution.

So, I'll be off.

Anyway, OP, he lied. He didn't have to. He doesn't need to watch online prostitutes, at all, nobody does. He can just wank off if he feels the urge, like normal people do.

The question is what are you going to do about the creepy, lying pervert?

The great porn debate will never be solved on here. For me the issue is you made an agreement which he broke and thats undermined your trust a bit.

My view, fwiw, is you need to sit down and explain its not really about the porn its about the trust. From his perspective he has physical needs you are not able to meet, he probably understands and accepts why, and thinks its ok to quietly meet those needs in the interim, but the secrecy has broken your trust and made you feel crap.

I think you both need to be clear on how you feel and whats acceptable going forward. What are you both happy and not happy with at this stage in life, where can you compromise and are there ways to have not intercourse intimacy if you both want and are comfortable with it.

Listening with empathy on both sides is the key forward rather than the usual 'leave the pervy bastard' type responses as presumably you dont want to break up over this.

You can’t police what other people watch/do with their bodies. it really is as simple as that.

I think men find it easiest to masturbate with what they are used to- they basically train themselves to react to a particular stimulus. So if they've only ever masturbated with porn, they might struggle without. If they start watching more extreme stuff, they end up needing ("needing") extreme stuff. If they've never seen more than a glimpse of a woman's ankle, they can wank themselves silly thinking about that ankle. This is one of the reasons that too much or too extreme porn use can affect normal sexual function- they've basically trained themselves on the wrong stimulus. But the brain is very plastic- they can train themselves back to normal again by avoiding porn.

Anyway, OP, it's completely up to you whether this is a red line. In your shoes and assuming an otherwise happy marriage I'd use it as a way into talking about things more generally as obviously the current situation is hard for you both, and of course especially for you as the one who has experienced a traumatic birth.

I think this thread has been hijacked once again - this always happens on these types of threads 🙄 people debating their own opinions on porn when that’s not even what the OP was asking.
It doesn’t matter your own personal opinions on if porn is acceptable because the OP and her husband made an agreement together which he has broken, so it’s understandable that you’re hurt OP.
I would advise an honest open conversation about what led him to do that and if he is willing to carry on that agreement or not and go from there.

I'm torn on this tbh.

Overall I really dislike porn for many reasons.
But as I've got older I feel like it is something all men do. Do I like it, no. Do I agree with it, also no.

This is so cringe. All this talk of 'coolwives'...! I don't trust or even like most men, but there are far worse things men are doing than watching porn

Anyone who thinks they are married to some angel who never lowers themselves to the gutter... get real! You're living in a ridiculous bubble that will probably pop with grandeur one day and have you crying on here

Watching porn isn't a physical release. Men don't need to watch porn. And trying to pretend your husband isn't doing something really gross and disrespectful that he doesn't need to do, agreed not to do, and knows would hurt you if you found out, probably isn't a great decision.

So if they've only ever masturbated with porn, they might struggle without.

So don't masturbate then? If you're struggling to do it it's not exactly an urgent need is it 😂

That's one hell of a leap 😱 your username is fitting.
Anywho, I was responding to the original comment , where the poster implied that fapping was more popular since the invention of porn.
I know this is going to be misinterpreted 17 ways from Tuesday and my intention tarnished so I'm bowing out of this thread. Peace ✌️.

This is a really good response I think.

Is this something that you previously enjoyed together before you were married?

I tend to the view that all men use porn and it’s not really my business.

This seems like a pointless thing to worry about, except if it is affecting your sex life, which you make clear it is not.

You can’t expect him to not have sex and not use porn, I don’t think.

Perhaps this is the signal you need to gently get things going again in that department? He sounds like a decent and nice man who isn’t going to make you take things too fast.

I understand why you’re upset. It’s sad he’s gone against an agreement you made together, and really disrespectful that he did it when there was the slightest possibility you could walk in.

Lack of sex is a tough one I suppose. The masturbating fine, porn I could get my head around I suppose although I wouldn’t like it. Doing it when I’m in, no way!

I know you wish that, perhaps because your husband or boyfriends have always watched porn, and you want to believe that's the only option, and you can't change it... But a lot of men genuinely don't watch porn. Even the stats show that.

I mean, I'm sure most men have looked at it at points, especially in their teens, but a lot of men really, truly, just don't watch porn as adults, because they get creeped out by the idea that they could be watching a woman being raped, because they don't like the weirdly dehumanising sort of sex that dominates porn, because they can't switch off the part of their brain that is uncomfortable with the gross objectification of women, because they just find it boring and unfulfilling, or a mix of the above.

I was referring more to the masturbation part and using porn to aid it. Agree with much of what you wrote. But I do think it's more common than people think, most partners wouldn't know. I haven't a clue if most of my exes watched it. I know some did, but the others, I wouldn't even want to know what they do in their personal time when the bathroom door is shut.

100000000000000000000000000000000000000000% 👏

I would feel the same OP. He doesn’t need visual stimulation, man wanked off for years before porn was freely available.
I don’t like it either. It’s fake and abusive.

I'm so sorry op this is a huge betrayal of trust.

My husband and I have agreed we don't engage in any pornography it doesn't align with our values both ethically and for our marriage. It is perfectly do able for any human to make that commitment when they want to.

I think a calm conversation on what's going on for him. Was it empty words or something he actually agrees with but is finding it more difficult than he realised to give up pornography?which would then indicate he needs therapy/support.

Take the time to think what you need to feel safe as well. Time apart perhaps.
You might find omar minwhalla secret sexual basement helpful.

Can you imagine spending your married life holding a grudge? Either you’re a team with trust and each others back or you’re living a sham life.

Thats what I find sad.

Eh naw - it is not a signal to get things going again, that signal would be OP feeling mentally and physically ready for sex. OP can expect him not to have sex and not use porn, as was their agreement, if you had said OP can’t expect him not to have sex and not to masturbate then I would agree but your post is coming across very “oh poor man, he needs this, and it’s your fault for not performing your wifely duties”

I think it's very common - I can't remember the stats, but I think it's something like 70% of men watch porn? But that's still 30% of men who don't. Which is a sizeable minority.

No I think that's something women are concerned about but not men - unless a woman has told then to think that way and then they will pretend it's an issue for them too. My exdh told me he grew out of porn even though I wasn't bothered either way, turned out he was lying.

Over 80% of men say they have watched porn in the UK. 13% say they watch it every single day. Considering about 20% of men are thought to have persistent impotence - well good luck finding a man who can get it up and doesn't ever watch porn.

I think to expect that to be a life long agreement was naive OP. It's disappointing to trust someone and have that broken but unfortunately men are a frequent source of disappointment I find.

I have only had one partner since porn became readily available (my ex husband) so that is entirely irrelevant to my point. Its easy for you to dismiss me by implying that that is the extent of my opinion on this subject is my own personal choice of partners

I don't think that life is anywhere near as black and white as you think. I think a lot of men get turned on by the idea of watching a woman be raped. I don't think you've ever looked at a porn website if you think its all rape and dehumanising. I think you're very naïve to think that there is research out there that has completely covered every walk of life, every age, every possible type of man and 100% of them were 100% honest about it. Because some of them probably don't want to admit it to themselves even

I'm not saying no men watch porn, I'm saying they are in the minority.

Its common knowledge that porn addiction is a real thing. Porn is readily available. The temptation is very real. It can spiral. Its ridiculous to think that it can be allowed into people's homes so easily and that people won't give in to it