AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

[Echo15]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We have a 4 month old son. I had a traumatic birth so sex is still painful and therefore rare. It's been a very loving, equal marriage. A few years ago we both agreed that we shouldn't watch porn because we felt it disrespected / didn't align with our marriage vows and wouldn't make the other person feel good.

Caught my husband masturbating to porn while I looked after the baby a few days ago. He says it's happened a few times but is sorry and won't do it again.

I feel really hurt. I know we're not having much sexual intimacy at the moment but surely that's normal with a baby? He happily agreed not to watch porn years ago, so now I feel i can't trust him. The timing of this has really knocked my confidence given I'm postpartum but I'm mostly just angry that he did it despite our agreement, I assume because he thought he wouldn't get caught as I was busy with DS. He wanted children but now I feel discarded and disregarded because my body has changed and I'm busy with DS. I have birthed his child and this is what I get.

AIBU?

It does have an impact on me because I am a feminist, and anything that is detrimental to women is detrimental to me.

My app is mega glitchy/can't edit so i might not be able to type properly but ill try.

I'm afraid you've picked the wrong person here. I help counsel porn addicts. I am impacted.

One of the youngest was 9 years old. First saw it on his dad's phone when he didn't know he was looking. The dad had no idea. Another saw on a bus drivers phone. Their parents would of said at one time they were not impacted by pornography
pornography. A b

People watching pornography definitely impacts others. No one can say with 100% certainty that they are not impacted by pornography. There are so many ways in which you might not even realise.

I do think the vast majority of men watch porn. The most recent anonymous study I can see, for the UK, found 82% of men do - and that might not capture everything one might consider porn, and its well known that, even in anonymized surveys, socially undesirable habits tend to be underreported.

No doubt, there must be some men that do not view porn - but if you believe your partner is not one of them, it is much more likely that you are being misled than it is that they are telling the truth.

You might be right, but people are going to be skeptical, since most women who believe their partner does not view porn are being lied to.

That would make you a self absorbed person. If we all only cared about things that directly affected us then where would society be.

It is on screen rape, vulnerable women trafficked or addicted, how could that have no impact on you whatsoever? You may not be watching it but you know that it is happening and don’t find it disgusting.

My god I wish I had the capacity to worry about my husband’s masturbatory habits. What he does in private is his lookout, as long as he’s not cheating and it doesn’t affect my sex life.

I am not defending porn, I am not even sure Bonnie Blue or Lily Phillips don't need serious help and BBC or Netflix are not part of the problem there,

but come on, the OP's husband watching porn is completely unrelated to a 9 year old! Me getting drunk this weekend has no impact either.

Now it might have an impact on MY kids, and that's my problem, but absolutely not on anyone else.

Porn and prostitution are older than the Bible, I can't see how they would suddenly disappear

Porn being freely and widely available to satisfy (mostly) men's desire to watch people have (often rough and degrading) sex for money has influenced wider society negatively, driving up the rate of harmful sexual practices, and making it very difficult to prevent children and young people from being exposed to porn, and impossible to protect them from attitudes informed by porn.

That's really very prudish, quite genuinely.

So feminists don't watch porn? Whatever. A survey this year said 44% of women use porn. Automatically not feminists? And that doesn't even include the swathes of women who consume non visual porn (erotic books, manga etc).

Really? It's prudish to be able to achieve deeply satisfying, quality orgasms without needing to watch other people (who are being paid to) have sex? And to be sad that someone can't enjoy masturbation, or achieve a climax, without watching strangers have sex?

Could you explain the reasoning behind that?

Non-visual porn doesn't involve reducing actual people to things for others' sexual pleasure. And plenty of women have self-destructive or patriarchal beliefs that don't align with feminism - just look at all the women who are against abortion.

Really just like that 😂

They never stop, they just hide it better.

Neither does actual porn.

AFAIC, feminism is the fight for equality, not a set of strict ideologies. The war of women vs women is not a fun place to be.

Actual porn does in fact have actual people in it, leading to increased social objectification of women, exploitation, and real harm.

Feminism is about women's liberation. And no, it's not fun when women cape for patriarchy, but there we go. Some do seem to insist on doing so; that's socialisation for you, I suppose.

I can see you don't like porn. But I also think you don't understand it. I'm not here to proselytize for it but you should know your view point is not the majority opinion, even amongst women, and that might give you pause to reflect again. Be happy however you get off!

No, as a feminist, I don't like something that exploits women, and leads to a deepening sexual objectification and dehumanisation of them in society, increasing dangerous sexual practices and unrealistic expectations.
Who would've thunk it!

I'm not sure what there is to reflect on, as I don't think argumentum ad populum is very persuasive.

As I said up-thread, I'm personally very aware of the harms of sexual exploitation, so I'm not willing or able to indulge in denial, as most people are. I also think it's very sad that some people have become so addicted and conditioned that they actually can't achieve a satisfying orgasm without watching strangers having sex. What a limiting, pathetic (in the classic sense) issue to have.

You do realize that not all women, by a long shot, for whom becoming stimulated or achieving an orgasm, experience difficulty due to porn addition, right?

He never saw porn in the same way as you, he just agreed to what you wanted for an easy life and to keep you happy.

it is normal that your sex life is reduced as you’ve just had a baby, but it’s also normal for his sex drive to have remained the same. He hasn’t cheated on you or done anything terrible. I wouldn’t make a drama out of it.

Of course. But I was initially responding to someone who implied they couldn't orgasm without porn.

Anyway, I'm not sure what your point is?

Definitely not being unreasonable. It's not necessarily just about the porn, but about him prioritising a course of action that he agreed with you was not acceptable in your relationship. That's the betrayal. It's the same as if you'd both agreed to put money away for a big purchase and then one of you spent it on tat.

He didn’t agree he just told you what you wanted to hear to shut it down

things like this are never a discussion it’s generally my way or no way
in all honesty if he would of said he wanted to use porn I doubt you would of said ok then

Interesting that that is all you’re taking from a long and thoughtful post. And that the poster didn’t actually say that anyway? The denial and self deception is sooo strong on this subject!!!

I largely don't disagree with the poster about the harmfulness of porn.

I just don't think that women who struggle to have orgasms, but find that porn helps them, are "pathetic", is all.

I particularly had women whose difficulties are not rooted in porn addiction in mind, but I generally dont think of people with addictions (of all sorts) are pathetic, or living pathetic lives, either.