To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

[Fearandanxiety]

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

Thirty years ago there would be no consequences for doing this.

Today, that will lead to a lifetime (well almost - 40 years for those currently at university in England) of paying what is essentially a graduate income tax of an extra 9%.

The vast majority of people who go to university don't do any of this though. They go to get drunk most days of the week, take drugs and shag as many people as possible in 3-4 years.

There are plenty of nursing jobs. She needs to move. No grad can expect a grad job by staying local and not applying to many NHs trusts.

Just encourage him to make a plan and save if he’s working . He might decide to go later he might not, there’s plenty of time. My dd didn’t go and is doing fine.
Even if he has fees paid he will probably still end up with debt, with living costs.

Tuition fees are just part of the picture. He needs to pay accommodation and living expenses too. It's a very generous offer from the GPs.

Why did he want to do business management? What did he expect that degree to give him? Is there a way he can achieve it without a degree?

And everyone knows the system needs a total overhaul. And it’s probably coming soon - it’s a constant discussion inside universities too. Everyone is fully aware that the system is broken.

But what’s depressing about this thread is the lack of ambition for young people. That the most lauded aspiration is to get a mortgage. The students I work with from around the world- multiple countries- aren’t like this- they are ambitious and want to create change. It’s a purely British cultural thing to devalue education and it’s terrible.

My youngest ds had really good A level grades and then suddenly said he didn't want to go. I thought he'd take a year out our then change his mind so I said nothing. He got a job in a local warehouse and starting earning money. He's still there 8 years later. His friends with not such good A level grades as DS got went to uni, got good degrees and launched into careers in Fin tech. One of his friends now earning £138k and best friend £102k. DS got small promotion and saved hard and I helped him with a £55k deposit and he's bought his own 2 bedroom house. He's had it decorated nicely and he over pays his mortgage each month. His best friend recently become a father and he said out of the blue I should have gone to uni when my friends did. Why didn't you push me to go? I told him I thought if I tried to push him to go he would be against going even more and I'd expected him to reapply following year. He now seems to regret not going. I've told him he could still go and I'd cover his mortgage for him for 3 years but he's said no again and believes it's too late. If I could go back in time I'd have spoken to him and asked him to go rather than thinking he'd opt back into education on his own.

There are also apprenticeship options in Business Management- so he could look at that. No point going to Uni right now if he isn’t committed. There’s plenty of time for study later if he wants to - and other options for business management if that is still his interest.

He just needs to keep his options open so contraception is definitely key!!

You don’t have to go to uni at 18/19. He can change his mind in 2,3, 5, 10 years. I work in HE and see many students drop out because they’re not ready.
His girlfriend being controlling is a separate issue I think, but I’m not sure what you can do about it for now other than monitor it.

Why would I need to work at a university to conclude that finance and accounting are the superior degrees?

I've held senior positions within finance; therefore, I have real-world experience.

Oh ok so slightly biased then and talking from your own POV.

I’ve got one child who decided not to go, has worked full time, put himself through training relevant to the job and taken every opportunity open to him. He has hated some of what he’s done, but he’s currently on a secondment doing something he really enjoys and it looks hopeful that it will become both full time and permanent in the autumn.

ive got another child who has left Uni half way through a four year course having absolutely hated it. He has no real plan currently, he’s going to need some time to work it out.

Your son needs a plan. I would also suggest that he looks at rental costs. My oldest and his girlfriend would love to move out but they’d be looking at a room in a shared house and their objective is to buy. They’ve saved a lot already, but their salaries aren’t going to be enough for a good while.

As others have suggested, would he look at transferring to a local university?

I agree with that. If he is not ready to go, he shouldn’t.

I just don’t like it when people say that unless you get a good job, university is useless, because that’s not true. Money is not my measure of success.

Having three years of your life paid for so you can study and enjoy social life sounds like a dream to me. I never had that option, as I had to work full-time alongside my studies to support myself.

But people need to be aware that not many people return to education later in life. This is mostly because, in the UK, they don’t make it easy. I taught at a university for over five years, and not once did I have an older student.

In my country, you can do university courses at weekends and in the evenings while working, but in the UK that option is not really provided. With a full-time job, it will be much harder to go back to education later than it is now.

He certainly needs a plan. However uni isn’t for everyone and there are far too many unemployed and underemployed graduates. Does he have a job at the moment?

One of my DSs made the same decision. He is now mid 20s and in a far better position career wise and financially than his older siblings who went to uni. He also had no idea what he wanted to do other than that he was sick of study (he worked hard at school, got excellent A level results and had good uni offers) and didn't want debt.
We spent time together looking at options and eventually hit on an apprenticeship. This is going to sound bad, but, because he was academically capable of 'more' he very quickly stood out and has recieved multiple promotions. All the time gaining work experience, earning and saving, and demonstrating work ethic. He had been told multiple times by employers that they admire him for getting stuck into work young rather than uni. He now manages people slightly older than him who went the graduate route.

I agree with apprenticeship as a great option. You can end up with degree level qualifications without the costs of university. What is he interested in? Tradesmen get extremely well paid and can do part time college and part time on the job. If he’s interested in business he can get set up his own business after a few years of working for someone else.

And unemployed school leavers don't forget? This isn't something that is just hitting graduates.

Can I also say- to those on this thread saying that uni is a waste of time, get a mortgage, etc etc.

All the experts in the world- brain surgeons, people doing cancer research, people trying to to solve climate change or developing a solution to insect decline or researching depression in kids or training to be psychologists or are doing financial modelling to solve global poverty. Or preventing the next global pandemic. Meterologists. People preserving our cultural heritage Whatever.

Experts basically- need a bloody education to do it.

That's an interesting question. I think that the answer to that question may look quite different in four or five years time compared to today.

The reason I say this is that AI is just starting to have an effect on the sort of jobs and careers that were possibly thought to be immune.

Many companies are looking at replacing a lot of the routine tasks that might have been done by entry-level new graduates with AI.

For example, take the so-called 'Big Four' accountancy firms. Now, accountancy firms don't require any specific degree subject but they are large employers of new graduates.

Last year they reduced the number of new graduates they take on by 20%.

No there really aren't!
500 new grads stand no chance if getting a job in Wales this year. Situation is a little better in England but not by much.
NHS is suffering because older nurses are doing retire and return and not moving on, also vacancies being "frozen" or downgraded to band 4.
A nursing degree is no longer a guarantee of a secure job for life.

We held an employer forum recently on Ai with some of the major graduate recruiters.

What many of them said was that the want AI literate graduates- that the workplace is evolving but they still want new graduates - it’s just the roles are changing.

Even with fees paid it's still £30k of debt for student accommodation and living costs, 3 years or your life and no guarantee of a job at the end.

Is there something he genuinely has an interest in and wants to study? If not, it’s pointless going.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place here.

If he goes he sounds like he doesnt want to be there. What is the point in an unmotivated student wasting time? He might just quit in 12 months time and hold it against those that pushed him to do it.

If he doesnt go it sounds like you are going to resent him for making a hard decision that may be a disaster or may be the best thing he could do. Whats your life plan for him? Are you thinking he is going to walk into a job after his business degree and be set for life?

Whatever he decides its going to be a better decision with your support and advice without putting pressure on him.

Best not to go unless you absolutely want to go. He’s young and has plenty of time to go in later years if that’s what he wants to do.

Don’t sub his lifestyle though.