To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

[Fearandanxiety]

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

I know I saw a thread not too long. Ago that I didn't comment on, it was a woman bragging about how her two young adult children had afforded houses in their early twenties.And how to do it.

It was meant to be inspirational amd aspirational. Her children had managed to do it only by remaining in the small town somewhere rural in the north of england by moving in with partners, they've been with since they were teenagers and buying a very small property.

Far from being aspirational and an inspiration, I found that so depressing. To be with someone since my teens move with them at twenty two and buy a house in the town.I grew up in and never leaving. All the money at a young age, from a low earning job going on mortgage and bills.

I don't agree that it's depressing to say he shouldn't go to uni.Though the debts out of control and there is an unemployment crisis, he should think a little bit more.If he's not sure about it. He shouldn't rush to settle down a by a house though.

Encouraging her son to quit his job that i assume he enjoys to do an apprenticeship is stupid. He's an adult its his life. He's working full time wants to start a life with his girlfriend what's wrong with that aslong as hes happy

Another who agrees it could be a smart move.
DOI- I went all the way when fees were paid and I had a grant. Now I'm a professional who also works in uni sector.

I would be happy if my kids said they were staying local to do vocational training of some sort.
I'm really not sure higher education is worth it any more.

Thinking about it, I think I may be tainted by having a successful career that I hate and makes me really quite sad/stressed. 😂

I understand your disappointment, but voted YABU because it has to be his decision.

We expected our son to go to uni - he went, but it was not for him, he did very little work and he got a basic Pass. I still don’t know why as he’s exceptionally bright.

But my point is that there’s no point in a young person going just because other people want them to, if they’re not motivated themselves.

Business management isn't the best degree to choose in this climate.

Degree Apprenticeships are amazing. DS completed his last year, he also worked for a couple of years before applying and that was what helped him get a place. I assume everyone had stellar A levels that applied. They are comparable to getting a place at Oxbridge, possibly harder. Took weeks of interviews and tests. Typically 95% of applicants to UG courses receive a place though it may not be first choice. Degree apprenticeships have an application success rate of 1% to 2%.

Leave him to it, he needs to work out what he wants to do. I went to Univeristy as a mature student. I had spent years wanting to be a nurse, I lasted 5 years, making decisions when you are 18 is exceptionally hard. DH was head of a University dept until last year and I worked in higher education for close to 30 years.

If you got a degree 20 to 30 years ago the world was your oyster, you could actually be a bit shit at stuff really and still do ok, it’s not now. I feel very sorry for young people these days.

Because not everyone wants to live abroad. Some people want a simple life and to settle down and have a family. People aren't the same

Says who though? I am a careers adviser at a uni - the business management students make up the largest percentage of our student population to go on an industrial placement year. Loads of them go- employers value the broad range of skills and knowledge.

Some of the comments on this thread are so ill informed.

Also uni debt is a depressing millstone around his neck if he ends up in a job or career he hates.
It can feel like a trap. Just to have bought the university experience.

My DS is still very young but I won't be pushing him to go to uni purely because I did and my career has ended up being nothing to do with the degree, I could have saved myself the debt. There's definitely other good paths where you can do apprenticeships or work your way up etc. I actually took 2 years after college to work before finally going to uni so he still could end up going. He might need to try the alternative before deciding he wants to go after all :)

In your sons case if he's been enjoying travelling and working then uni really helps to kind of extend the fun years before settling into adult life which might appeal to him. Very long summers, plenty of socialising and making friends plus learning to live alone. The fact it's paid for is even better!

There's definitely pros and cons though. I feel like going to uni late delayed everything for me from having kids to getting married as I was 2 years behind where I could have been.

I'd suggest he sees if he can defer for another year. Unless his A Levels are good enough that he could reapply in the future and be sure of getting a place he likes.

I'd have another conversation about his long term career plans if he doesn't go to uni. Is working full time in a bar or similar minimum wage job enough to live on independently in your area, bring up a family etc.

Maybe start charging him commercial rent if you are not already doing that so he can get a feel for true living costs. So many kids "fail to launch" (including some who go to uni and then return home), often because they can have a nice social life on a basic salary because they are still
living off their parents.

God yes. There has never been a guaranteed outcome from university, but the experience can be amazing and transformative for each individual. I loved it and gave up a well paid job to go. The idea we should all stay in the home town we were born in, get jobs and buy houses young is beyond boring.

Also, I'm currently seeing so many more requirements for degrees in job adverts.

Into full time employment at 18, retired at 54, huge pension, who needs university degrees and debt to be successful

Because uni isnt the final goal, it’s only a means to an end.
there are many other routes to building a successful career, such as apprenticeships college courses, on the job learning.

Your job now as a parent is to figure out with him what his next step is, the rule in this house was that we would support them, but they weren’t going to do nothing. One went straight into work and has had several promotions, and the other did a trade apprenticeship and is now time served and earning very healthily.

Maybe start charging him commercial rent if you are not already doing that so he can get a feel for true living costs.

My mum did that. Meant i had no money left and couldn't save for a deposit on a rented flat alone or a flat to buy.

I failed to launch because of the rent I paid her not because I was living for free. No rent would have meant I left a heck of a lot sooner.

Oh and I went to Uni.

🤣

According to who? And how is any worse than any anything like history, art, geography etc... And which climate are you talking about?

Don't blame him. I wish I hadn't gone to university, it was a terrible few years in my life, and, in hindsight, completely the wrong decision for me. But due to the biased messaging coming from school (that we'd be setting ourselves up for a harder, less financially successful life without a degree) it felt like it was the only choice.

It's hard to feel now that I wouldn't have done better training as a plumber or electrician or something like that, and it's definitely what I'd do these days given these careers are increasingly in demand and immune from being made surplus to requirement because of the wonders of AI.

Stop living vicariously through your son. Honestly, going to uni is rarely worth it. It doesn't even matter if your parents are prepared to pay for it, because presumably he'd still have to pay that back at some point later down the line?

It's too broad a subject. Accounting and finance are superior options.

Is this something you actually know about? Do you work at a uni?

BUT young people should have a choice - this thread is so parochial.

I am the first to acknowledge that the finance system isnt working for young people. And I also think Burnham is right to rebalance technical education also.

But the idea that learning is a waste of time and that getting a mortgage at 20 and having kids is the most appealing option is pretty bleak.

Neither of my sons went to uni. They both did apprenticeships.

They are now 23 and 27 and are working for a water company and both on £50k+ a year!

My youngest son’s gf has just finished her nursing degree with a debt of £60k and can’t get a job! If she can’t get anything by October time she will try Tesco or M & S. It’s crazy,

University isn’t for everyone!

Genuine question… what about the fact that they’d be missing out on the “experience” of three years at university?

Trying not to be thick here but how is business not related to most jobs and what kind of jobs are thinking a business student should do?

You can't live your kids lives for them.