AIBU to feel overwhelmed by an overly involved next-door neighbour?

[Seaswimmer23]

I’ve recently moved from London to a smallish town in Lancashire for work. I’ve found a lovely place to live, but the place not issue is my next-door neighbour. She’s been friendly since I moved in, inviting me in for tea, and chatting every time I step outside. And it’s this. I have a busy job and value my peace and independence. I now can’t step outside without a full rundown of her day, and a grilling about mine. I’ve tried to say I’m rushing, I often am, and I’m always polite, but I feel like I’m 15 again not being able to do anything without a million questions and a million moans. If I’m staying in with a book or film she phones me, several times, then knocks if I don’t answer as my phone is on silent. She keeps track of my every move! I love living here but it’s can’t bear this. I’m considering moving. Oh and she has a key, given to her by the landlady. AIBU?

Er.....no. The key needs to be returned and you need to speak to the landlord about this, ensuring there is no chance she has a copy, otherwise the locks need to be changed! You'll either have to put your foot down now, you will have to 'offend' if necessary, or move! What basis is this tenancy on and why on earth does she have a key, anyway? Also, you need, uncomfortable or not, to explain some other boundaries to her- ie I am busy, we could maybe have a coffee once a week (if you feel this is a good compromise) but I do value my space coming and going, so please respect that. If she can't accept that then again you may have to accept its not viable for you to live here going forward.

She definitely shouldn’t have a key, I’d be requesting that back right away! No way should she be letting herself into your home, how bizarre. I’d also stop engaging so much, just say I have to go sorry and get into your car/walk off. She might get frosty but this is honestly too much.

There are many batshit things to look at here, but one I'm struggling to understand is why the neighbour needs to use OP's freezer! Doesn't she have one of her own? Did she frequently drop in next door to help herself to the previous tenants' equipment and utilities, and that's why they 'behaved badly'?

Seaswimmer23, however nice the place is, this situation is both creepy and illegal, and the neighbour having unlimited access to what is effectively your property while you are renting, is unacceptable. It could also affect your insurance. If anything of yours is stolen, how will you prove it was the neighbour? If the landlady's things go missing, you could be blamed.

To say all northern people are friendly as an excuse for this doesn't make it ok, I live in the NW and am married to a Yorkshireman and he agrees this is a huge overstep, as would many of my NW friends! It's a risk to the OPs tenancy security and insurance. The landlord yes should have a key for emergency, as they should have landlord insurance and it is their property, so if anything happened while they were accessing it they would be liable. The neighbour categorically should not have a key, not just because of risk and liability issues but also the blatant invasion of privacy!

Get a Ring doorbell and Ring App on your phone so you can see what she’s up to. Ask LL to retrieve the key. If not move out and take doorbell with you.

I moved in next door to a woman like that, couldn’t come home from work without being door stepped. Asking questions about my life, I was 30, she was twice my age. Grim.

what about asking the landlord to retrieve the key, because neighbour has been in your freezer, ( & who knows where else?)

Agreed. I’m northern and I don’t act this way, I think I’m a Londoner at heart to be frank and would rather avoid socialising with neighbours at all costs! I say hi if I can be arsed, most of the time I won’t look up because I simply can’t be.

Find somewhere else to live. In the meantime tell your landlady you are not happy with your neighbour using your freezer and that she needs to get the key back. Ignore your neighbour's phone calls or block her number, be forceful in saying you have no time to chat.

Neighbour having a key in case of dire emergency is one thing. Neighbour letting herself into a private residence without consent is completely unacceptable.

If I were you I'd move.

Also, to the PP saying how its northern friendliness. It's not. I'm from the NW and I'd consider this behaviour way over stepping the mark.

My sil lives round the corner , since a recent bereavement she has made me her charge apparently. Before this bereavement she never came near, never responded to any attempts on my part for us to socialise occasionally as SILs. Absolutely zero interest , which l accepted some ten years ago or so and although wondered why occasionally had just accepted that was how our relationship was.. We just said hello when passing and we would occasionally see them in the pub and have a little exchange sometimes.
Now she is full on stalking me, if l don't answer phone straight away she is sending me long texts saying how she is worried about me and has she upset me in some way and how l am her darling SIL and how much she loves me etc.
If l don't reply or if it's a bit understated and casual and not in same gushing vein as hers then she comes round and knocks the door like a bailiff.
l have tried everything , ignoring her, which just gets above results, telling her nicely l need space and time please. I've even resorted to parking my car somewhere else so she thinks I'm out. I feel under siege in my own house.
People like this are a pest and l would rather deal with an ignorant bugger who never speaks any day .
Just to add she is my SIL by marriage, not directly a relative to the deceased or any closer to him than she was to me.

oh come on.....letting yourself into someone else's house and using their freezer is NOT "northern friendliness!

It is entirely unreasonable that she has a key and lets herself in.
Speak to your landlady about this

foot down, block on phone, when she comes to your door tell her to go away....otherwise in 10 years time you will still be making posts like this. I do understand you. When my husband died I did have a problem with the local neighbourhood "bereavement vampires" as well as some genuine kindness. I was able to deal with it because even at my best I am not worried about upsetting people and the rage of bereavement either did or didn't help depending on your POV!

You might need to move…

I thought you were being ridiculous until you dropped the freezer/door key bit.
That’s outrageous!!

I would look to move out. The fact she has a key given by the landlord is a huge issue and the fact she let herself in will be a breach of contract. The landlord is supposed to give 24 hours before visiting and visits need to be for good reason, it’s not okay for a neighbour to let herself in to use the freezer! If you have a letting agent I would complain but honestly I can’t see this situation getting better, at best you can raise it with the landlord but likely then have a rift with the neighbour which will be awkward. I would look for somewhere else asap.

Tell the landlord you expect the locks changed by the end of the week. Don't accept any nonsense, your home has already been accessed without your consent and your landlord is responsible as the one who handed out the key.

As for the neighbour, I learned a great phrase - I am not open to visitors today.
Your neighbour seems particularly thick skinned so you may need to upgrade to "I am not open to visitors today, please leave." Don't get into any negotiations with her. Just "Please leave." and "Goodbye". Might this be seen as rude? Yes. But the alternative is being friendly, which seems an ill advised way to treat a trespasser.

Fuck that. You’re going to have to be firm

I would just say something has gone missing and you need the locks changed asap . As a tenant you have the right to peaceful enjoyment of the property and that you are certainly not having that at the moment.

Your landlord is breaching the lease allowing/enabling this trespass - you have a right to peaceful enjoyment of the property. Tell them in no uncertain terms they need to change the locks and not to give the key to anyone. It doesn't matter that they had issues in the past, that isn't your problem.

Was the “trouble “ with the previous tenants their refusal to let her wander round their house by any chance?

What rubbish! Northern friendliness means anyone can have a key to your house and walk in and use your belongings? Would you say the same if the neighbour was a man?
Your neighbour should not have your key. Speak to your landlady or letting agent and ask for it to be returned or the locks changed. If you signed a contract, does it say that a spare set will be with the neighbour? You need to nip this in the bud, as she is creepy and interfering.

Does the landlord know she's letting herself in? This is ridiculous, you need to put a stop to this.

Block her on your phone. If she continues to knock, ask to please leave you alone. You are going to have to be blunt/rude to get this to stop. Report her harassment to your Landlady.

Talk to your Landlady and quote legal stuff if necessary but get her to tell the neighbour that she is not allowed to access your property.

The Landlady can give a key to whoever she wants for safekeeping, however it should not be used to access your property without your permission.

If the neighbour speaks to you as soon as you leave your house, you are going to have to be firm and blunt. "Hello, can't stop, must get on" and keep walking. You can't continue to be polite and let her hold you up.

Well that violates your rights to privacy and a peaceful life immediately. That is not okay