To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

[overandoveragain26]

I’ve already posted in lone parents but no replies and I’ll be honest - I really need a whinge tonight, nothing else needed [ smile]

I love my children so much but … I want some time away, some proper time away, not a few snatched hours, a full day, preferably a weekend, where I don’t need to worry about dashing back, can explore somewhere new, can wander and be me and soak it all in.

And it isn’t realistic for it to happen. No family to help, it’s a huge massive ask for friends, and I just need to wait until they are old enough to be self sufficient but realistically that’s going to be a decade or more!

You are allowed and justified in feeling however you feel. You have gone through a huge loss as well as two pregnancies over the space of six or seven years and are obviously grieving. Getting used to the changes children brought would have been different if you had been able to do it together.
Are there any bereavement support groups near you? If so that might be a way to meet others who have been through the same as you so understand better.
Can you make a list of the things you might suddenly fancy, like chocolate, and buy a supply in which you stash in a treat box? I know it isn’t the same as genuine spontaneity but might help.
I am a huge believer in the benefits of doing something creative, whether baking, knitting, painting whatever. Something which takes your concentration is calming. I do appreciate that if hill climbing was you passion you are more restricted.

Just wow. This is why I don’t bother with MM compared to other more supportive platforms.
Theres always a wave of people who love to push someone when they’re down so to speak.

Perhaps read her back story or scroll on by.

There’s a saying; if you nothing constructive or nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

I feel for you, I was widowed at 44 when my youngest was 3. I did feel I had a bit of freedom on playgroup days ( she's 36 now!) As others have said, tried to make the days as fun as possible, even though on a tiny budget. The other 2 were soon going for sleepovers, brownie and cub stay overs. It doesn't last forever, and can be some of the best times.

So sorry for your loss @overandoveragain26 and for the insensitivity from a few posters. Your age is irrelevant. You are still grieving the loss of your husband and trying to help 2 young children try and understand why Daddy is no longer around. Have you had some counselling?
You have already had some suggestions so hopefully you will find some useful. Perhaps start slowly as has been suggested like jumping on a bus, having coffee and giving yourself an hour or two to just sit and relax.
Good luck.

I had kids a bit later than average and found it hard to adapt.

And doing it solo must be very tough - and bereaved - I'm sorry for your loss OP, that sounds really hard and I hope YOU have some support. X

That's tough OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm separated from my kids' dad and we get on really well, I trust him implicitly, so every other weekend I get a break to be me again and it makes such a difference. Don't know what to suggest but wishing you the best.

I'm sorry for your loss op and I can imagine it's overwhelming.

I think pp make a good point about continuing with squirrels/beavers. My oldest does brownies and did a 2 night camp in the spring when she was still 7. So you might get them both on camp for the odd weekend which will be nice.

Also, not now as they are too young, but as they get older maybe you could find an older teenager who can come to your house and hang out with them for the weekend? DD's best friend has a big sister who is 17, my youngest is 4 and too young in my opinion but we'd definitely do this in a couple of years. She has recently spent a weekend babysitting another friend's kids in their home who are 7 and 9. I think they paid her £200 for the weekend, which is a lot, but if it's once per year or so? She was delighted, we live rurally and there's really limited opportunities to make money for teens so she's now canvassing hard for weekend babysitting gigs 😂.

The other thing I'd say to give you some hope, is there's a transition when they are somewhere in that 7-9 region where they go from being a little kid to genuinely good company. Like I say DD is 8 and over the past year she's turned into someone who gets my sense of humour, wants to go see interesting stuff at the theatre, has a proper interest in a wander round a museum etc. In a few years you might find you need a break from them less because the relationship is different.

Hang in there.

I find it incredibly crass for a childless person to come on a parenting website and tell a struggling widow she shouldn't have had kids in case her husband died and parenting is hard.

In fairness OP you are probably still in the worst time of parenting for not having freedom, 3 year olds are hard work, as is having more than one child. I'm 45 with a 5 year old and I totally appreciate how hard it is to just not have any freedom at all, the thing I am finding though is now mine is getting older she is a joy to be around and likes being with me doing the things that I like to do, so dog walks, exploring, craft sessions, mooching round the shops, I do lots of things orientated for her but I also have worked on her doing things that I like to do too.. that way I don't feel like I'm sacrificing everything that I enjoy, it has only really come about in the last year or so though, I remember my nephew being the same good company as he got older.

You seem to have reacted badly to this suggestion, but I do appreciate that I had my freedom to do what ever I liked whenever I liked for many years before having children, it's not a decision I actively made, it was down to circumstances more than anything, but I actually think I am a better parent now than I would have been in my twenties, although I probably feel the loss of my freedom more because of it. I do feel slightly jealous of the people I went to school with who had children early and now have grown up children and have their freedom back now!

Being widowed is of course going to make you feel like you've been duped, this isn't what you signed up for, but a support system can really make a massive difference, if you don't have one already, you may have to work on cultivating one in other places as best as you can.

Not quite 10 years. There will be school and scout overnights and friends sleepovers. Try to plan so if one is away, the other has a sleepover too, so you can have a proper break.

Is there another single mum you like and trust who you could do swaps with? You have her DC overnight one week, and she has yours the following week. Even if you just do it once a month, if DC get on, and your friend is reliable, it could become a good routine so you each get a regular break.

I’m so sorry. I was a solo parent to twins and despised my life for a time. The example you gave of the chocolate really resonated. Such a small thing, but illustrates perfectly how TRAPPED you are in the moment.
Loads of love. x

OP, I am genuinely shocked at some responses. I don't know anyone who would write some of the things that have been written! I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am just back from a weekend away with my 9 and 7 year old and I am hiding drinking tea on MN. I find it hard and I am not going through grief/doing it all on my own. I will say though that every year gets easier. Mine love being allowed to walk to the shops on their own, call to their friends etc. It's great not being so "needed" all the time. They recently asked me to sit away from them and their friends (to where I wasn't in view😃)when we went out for lunch.

Fellow single mum here, my ex has moved abroad. It is very tough. We split when our kids were similar age to yours. You've got the added layer of grief which I've not had to contend with.
It is is exhausting and there are days where I feel completely lost and get scared of how I can keep going. You're not being unreasonable. It's a lonely and suffocating place to be. It's horrible having to be strong all the time.

But if it is slightly reassuring, my children are now mid/end primary and I'm getting some more days off. As they are easier to be look after by friends and can be at two different play dates. They are also more independent so they can just get on with playing together while I read a book etc. I'm not on spontaneous days yet but I have found this has given me some hope. I hope it does for you too?

I understand not wanting to ask for help and not wanting to put out others. I was the same at the beginning and please don't think I'm underplaying your feelings but you'll be surprised how many people would actually love to help with no expectations to do it back.

I understand that you're not here to problem solve as it's not fully solvable and forgive me if you've already considered this, but any chance you can condense your work hours? I know it won't be a full day but something regular is slightly better than nothing.

I'm sorry for your loss and the amount of pressure you have at the moment. It will get a bit better in time but I understand the feeling of it being endless.

I'm sorry you've been left feeling worse, some replies have been really tone deaf. Usually it's because everyone only read the first post. But in this case, if they are focusing on your age, they've read on and decided the real problem isn't bereavement, it's age!

I think sometimes Mumsnet users rush to 'fix the problem' rather than realising the OP just wants a bit of sympathy. And of course the biggest 'problem' here just can't be fixed. It's OK to occasionally scream 'it's not fair' into the void.

Hopefully you will find you can fit a lot more than you think into days off between 9 and 3. Also in less than a decade you'll be able to send your eldest to the corner shop for essential chocolate.

Freedom doesn't suddenly come all at once. It's baby steps as life meanders on.

@overandoveragain26 I am a lone parent and fully understand what you are saying. I tried to reclaim my spontaneity by doing the things I used to do, just with kids in tow. It felt like a fuck you to the world which is not built for lone parents. Mainly travelling, we travelled to all sorts of places just the 3 of us - it was actually easier when they were little. Now they are big and have opinions and don't want to go to Vietnam, they want to go camping with their friends. I'm also finding that fewer people help out as they get older. I'm still about 3 years away from being able to leave them overnight and haven't had a night away from the both of them in about 3 years.
I have no suggestions, but I can empathise. Until you are a lone parent, you have no idea how trapped and powerless you feel.

I know people are fixating on your age. I had children a little older and I didn’t factor in how much I’d miss my freedom. I wasn’t a LP, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.

I think in time you’ll find your tribe and they’ll see you and offer you some respite. I did and would have children stay with us for a weekend night/day every now and again. It was a small thing, all the kids got on (mostly) and the parent got to breathe.

I would consider a nanny through a nanny agency they often have adhoc babysitters. Even if you built it up gradually so day time sitting, then an evening, until overnight. It’s hardwork when they are not at school. As a single parent without a break that is hard. No you won’t have the spontaneity of a night out but I think that’s parenting in general but you do deserve a break.

As they get older, clubs clubs clubs! Try scouts, cubs, Air Training Corpse when hit teens. These places take the kids camping etc for long weekends - time for you! Snatch them when you can. I think that's all there is until they're older now and make their own way.

It's so very hard and yes, you're right, you're completely tied without family you can ask. Parenting is hard and sorry going it alone.

Ps, the ATC I went to and loved it, went for years and was out the house a lot, sometimes a week at a time in summer. Stayed at RAF bases, Duke of Edinburgh award, camping, canal boat holidays.. Was perfect for those awkward bored teenage years.

My kids are grown up now but I recall feeing much the same when they were little. My absolute pet hate is having to choose what you want for a dinner event months/weeks in advance - and its a similar feeling, the spontaneity of just doing what you want when you want is a wonderful thing you don’t even notice until its gone. It will get better quicker than 10yrs though OP, but by then you’ll find the blighters have an opinion of their own and want to come, or not that restaurant or different film/holiday destination etc it’ll be spontaneous, but quite possibly not your first choice!

Op I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel like your widowhood and the impact of it on your life has been somewhat minimised by some posters, maybe they just read the OP?

I have disabled dd30. I feel your post in my bones, and my dh is still alive. My ds and his fiancé are wonderful but they have a life to live. It’s the small things that get you down isn’t it? And no one really gets it. It’s so isolating.