To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

[overandoveragain26]

I’ve already posted in lone parents but no replies and I’ll be honest - I really need a whinge tonight, nothing else needed [ smile]

I love my children so much but … I want some time away, some proper time away, not a few snatched hours, a full day, preferably a weekend, where I don’t need to worry about dashing back, can explore somewhere new, can wander and be me and soak it all in.

And it isn’t realistic for it to happen. No family to help, it’s a huge massive ask for friends, and I just need to wait until they are old enough to be self sufficient but realistically that’s going to be a decade or more!

How old are they? Do they go to school?

Thanks for replying - thought I was wailing into the wind there! One is at school and one at preschool (6 and 3.)

@overandoveragain26 when my two were in junior school I used to drop them off. Catch the bus to the nearest city, have lunch, mooch around the shops or go to the cinema. Be back in time for school finish..... They are now 18 and 21 and I'm planning a few days at the seaside by myself once college starts 😂😂
It does get better x

Haven’t got any advice other than to say I know exactly how you feel and it’s tough. I didn’t appreciate the freedom I had pre kids. Whinging about it is definitely allowed!

I've just seen your other thread. No friends, no family.
When they are both at school can they do breakfast and after school clubs?

I hear you. My youngest is 8 and has additional needs so I don’t when it’ll happen… my older two were away for a few days this holiday (camp) and the youngest in a day club and I had 5 hours a day to myself, BUT, it’s just not the same as every evening was spent sorting pick up and dinner etc.

Where’s their dad , can he not have them for the weekend .

I don’t think I said ‘no friends’! I said it’s a big ask for friends and it is - they have their own children, own ties and just so you can wander around somewhere unexplored - it’s a lot. Plus, unless you leave them until very late you’re still on a schedule.

Thanks @shellyleppard .

So true @ThisGoldFawn

No, it’s through bereavement rather than family breakdown.

@Santasbigredbobblehat this is it … I used to think ‘when they are at school’ but I realise now how short the school day is (admittedly doesn’t feel like that when you’re working in it!) but it makes any sort of life for yourself horribly rushed and frantic and I guess I’d rather not experience it at all than have that.

I would try and organise something/a long weekend where kids can stay with a friend well in advance and offer to return favour .
I was in a similar situation and feel like I wasted my entire 20s and most of 30s just sitting in the house every weekend, not going anywhere or doing anything but deal with kids. Its better now they are older but sometimes I really regret not doing stuff when j was young and good looking

@Poppybob i couldn’t ask anyone to do that. It is far too much to ask, if really is, and no one would want the favour returning because, well, they don’t need it, do they? It would put a strain on friendships as people would feel awkward about saying no. And honestly I think my children aren’t ready for it either. I do appreciate the reply and possibly something to consider in a few years but now they are too young.

It gets better, i raised my son alone i loved it tbh, the years do go fast.
you will have all your freedom back one day your still young.

I haven’t mentioned my age but I’m not especially young. I’m 46 next month, and so will be mid fifties at the earliest by the time I have any real freedom back! And that’s OK - I love them and all, but I would just like some time where I’m not rushing back for them, I suppose. I’m not even sure that I’ll fully have this in the next decade; they’ll be fifteen and thirteen and certainly fine to be alone for a few hours but not for days at a time.

Are you working?
What does the 3yo do in term time?

there are ways to carve out micro adventures in small pieces of time, but to begin with it’s very much hours not days.

Sign them up to squirrels & beavers asap, then in a few years you’ll start to have a couple of weekends a year while they’re at camps. Sign them up to other activities where the norm is drop-off as well!

I guess the other thing to do it remember you already have had 20 adult years of freedom - that’s more than most on this forum. Life is cyclical, this decade is a phase just like all the others.

@MJagain my older child does Squirrels; my younger one is too young. But this does largely miss the point - that’s a snatched hour here or there, which is what I’m trying to explain is actually in some ways more stressful than not (of course it’s of benefit to your child but that’s why you do it, it isn’t for you.)

I had freedom before children but just the same this wasn’t what having children was ‘supposed’ to look like and I am allowed to grieve that without brightly thinking ‘oh well, I had twenty years without them!’ I mean, that’s true of everyone, unless you have a lot of children and / or huge age gaps.

Yes this is what parenting is unfortunately when your children are small. If you're in your 40s you had decades of freedom before you had children so I think you just have to accept that until they're older, you won't have that kind of freedom. You just have to make the most of the hours you can snatch while they're at school/childcare and enjoy that time. A few hours is enough time to have a wander, sit in a café with a lovely coffee and watch the world go by or immersed in a good book.

You say it is a big ask for a friend, and OF COURSE it is.... but I'd do it for a friend. I love watching other people's kids because it makes mine behave better and makes me a more patient and fun parent in general. I'd be honoured to be asked!

Totally understandable that you don't think your children are ready either (my DC are 6 & 4 and would only be comfortable with my mum, not even their other grandparents who they know well, so I get that!), but that may not be 10+ years away.

Your thread has prompted me to start subtly mentioning to my single parent friends that I am a willing babysitter whenever they need me. It feels like overstepping to offer, but I hadn't really considered that they may be feeling that it is overstepping to ask...

@floofydoofy thanks. I’m happy to ask friends for the odd favour but I think regular asks of babysitting (as opposed to reciprocal support for emergency / difficult to manage situations) would tip over into CF territory.

@whippersnapper55 i wonder why it’s more significant I had children in my 40s and had ‘decades of freedom’ than if I’d had children in my 20s and would have (future tense) decades of freedom^ in my 30s / 40s ahead of me? It doesn’t make a difference, does it? I’m not proposing it as a regular thing but while of course you realise your freedom will be curtailed to an extent you don’t expect to be widowed and have the situation I explained in the OP. Did you actually read the thread at all? It isn’t ’I have children and can’t go away for mad weekends’ it is ‘I am raising children solo and so am severely restricted in what I can do.’

The point about Squirrels is that if they continue doing Beavers then Cubs they get to go on weekend camps so you would actually get some proper time to yourself. Mine went on cub camp at just turned 8 - he only went for one night as it was his first one and he was a bit nervous but you could go for two nights - that’s a whole weekend! Appreciate that seems a long way away now but it will come around.

In the meantime taking a day off while they’re at school (plus after school club) or childcare will give you a few hours to yourself.

I actually think it is harder for those who have kids a bit later to adapt to the lack of freedom, having had two decades of complete freedom beforehand. And it must be very hard doing it alone.

This does sound tough and I’m so sorry for your loss.

In practical terms, if you can afford it, there are PGL camps they could go to in the summer once they’re a bit older.

But you may find even in 3-5 years you stop fantasising about full weeks off so much because they go off and play together more and it’s not so full-on.

I'm really sorry you're lone parenting in the circumstances you are. I'm not a LP so I can only try and understand a little. Apologies if I missed the mark

It does get better I promise. It's a big ask to ask a friend to look after an eight year old but not a big ask to farm out a twelve year old for a night if you're prepared to reciprocate.

And I know it's not the same but you can bring children with you on adventures - even quite spontaneous ones if you're brave enough. I passed a lot of time in the preschool years taking my kids on a bus Odyssey to a nearby town. We travelled all over the place with children in tow and as we speak my 17 year old is off on a three week adventure without us, so DH, our 20 year old and I are on a mystery trip in the UK before he goes off on a solo trip.

I think you can create a life that has spontaneity and adventure in it and if you crave this you will do it. It's easier if you bring the kids along when they are small. Or team up with another family. There are many ways to do it which you'll discover along the way.

However you are entitled to feel daunted and tired at the thought of all this right now. To feel tired and scared at the prospect of this all being entirely on your shoulders because of your bereavement. That is a lot to carry. I hope you can find some real life friends and kindred spirits who can keep you company and sometimes lend a hand to allow you some solitude too.

Thanks @metellaestinatrio . Maybe although I do think it will be a while before they are ready, to be honest. With a three year age gap they won’t be in at the same time, so I’d still have one child (and that’s easier I grant you! )

I am actually a little bit miffed that my age rather than my lone parent status has become the thing everyone is fixated on, though.

Thanks @deplorabelle . I think that yes, you can take children with you to some things but it is difficult, more stressful and generally not always enjoyable (unless it’s something specifically designed for them.) It’s OK and I am OK. I’d rather have them than not - but just the same, I can’t have a days shopping followed by a cinema trip any time soon. And that does suck a bit.

I hear you, I feel chained to the house literally with no choice. An evening walk with the dog to wind down on a hard day, or a morning early walk (which used to bring so much life into me pre having child, even did with baby in baby carrier and heavily pregnant with two large dogs).. no chance, with a 2.5yr old and no one to watch her unless pre planned way in advance and paid for childcare. It’s not like you can just plan as something as simple as when you might need that much needed get out of the house and walk round the block to clear your head. So I totally get you on the freedom and spontaneity. Even on the most basic of things.

I can’t even have a bath or shower without risk waking her up early in the morning or late at night now. It’s not like the baby days where you just put them in a bouncer. If she wakes, that’s it. It’s never going to be a relaxing experience. No one to just take over if she does wake up or when she does wake up. Feel like I’m on constant tend to hooks because I’m 24 seven on call.

parenting as a solo parent is like another planet to the planets of those who have another body in the house that you can legally leave the house when you need to, want to, or simply take a trip like you said just for the day.

Shortly, be moving to a place that has an outhouse (failed passed planning permission Covid annex thing I think) In the garden. And I can’t tell you the freedom will feel to be able to go out to this space, Music on (although with headphones, it’s something right😅) do some exercise, have a bath or shower at silly o clock if I want to (although I’ve heard the plumbing isn’t actually up to standards to be fully working in this end of garden structure thing, but I’ll take whatever I can get. To ‘feel’ like I’ve escaped the house. Because like you, it can feel a bit like serving a prison sentence to know your next decade or so has very little choices, freedom, feeling trapped when just wanting something so simple as a few hrs off, without pre panning it far far in advance like it’s work holiday leave. Im tired, ignore me. But I see you. Your not alone. Sometimes we need a winge and just then shrug it off

I'm sorry for your situation, and that you don't have any family who can help – although I know I'd be happy to take a friend's children for a sleepover every few months if they got on well with my kids, so who knows – in a couple of years time, it might be worth asking? Especially if you return the favour.

I had children in my early twenties, and now I'm just about forty and they're still full on and demanding! (In a really rewarding way). I imagine I'll be 45 before I'm finally done with the intensive parenting, and even then you still worry about them. So you have benefited from having children so late, as you’ve had all those years of total freedom. Of course, I imagine that makes it all the more constrictive, because you know what you're missing. But at least you had that freedom, and at an age when you could really enjoy it.

Six and three are very tough ages, too. Once the youngest goes off to school you may find you get a lot more peace and quiet. And as a pp says, you can go on spontaneous adventures with kids. There are also various clubs, activities, and camps they can go on to give you a break as they get older, if you can afford it.

I hope it gets easier for you.