To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

[overandoveragain26]

I’ve already posted in lone parents but no replies and I’ll be honest - I really need a whinge tonight, nothing else needed [ smile]

I love my children so much but … I want some time away, some proper time away, not a few snatched hours, a full day, preferably a weekend, where I don’t need to worry about dashing back, can explore somewhere new, can wander and be me and soak it all in.

And it isn’t realistic for it to happen. No family to help, it’s a huge massive ask for friends, and I just need to wait until they are old enough to be self sufficient but realistically that’s going to be a decade or more!

That sucks, OP, I'm sorry. I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to rub it in, but I have had a few weekends away without DS in the last 6 months (he is 2 now), and each time I came back a different, lighter, happier woman. So I totally get it and I'm sorry it can't happen for you.

That is so harsh!! She expected it to be a team sport and now she's dealing with the loss of her husband, plus managing the kids grief and doing everything in her own. Everyone acknowledges solo parenting is hard. She's doing that plus grieving and supporting grieving kids.

With a husband, I have a rough week and he says go have a coffee/shop/yoga class and I get to switch off, easy as asking for it. OP doesn't have that and she's struggling. I can't believe anyone can't understand why.

Who is your closest friend? Please ask them! I have done exactly this for my best friend who is a lone parent, estranged from family… I have had her DC since about age 4 for weekends. And I had 3 older children at home to begin with. It’s not reciprocal - it can’t be. But she asked and I said yes.

I do really feel for you and so sorry for your loss OP 💐

I used to send mine to a sleep away summer camp for a week each summer (something like pgl / camp Beaumont). They can go from age 8 so admittedly it's a while off for your 3 year old but maybe something to consider for the future? I really appreciated the freedom it gave me during that week. Don't forget there are also childminders out there who can offer respite type care for a weekend.

I also second asking friends if they can have them for a weekend and return the favour I wouldn't just assume it's too much of an ask they might be craving a weekend off too. I often used to have my sons friends over for a Saturday out followed by a sleepover and then the favour was returned and the kids loved it.

I'd also say OP if you can get into the headspace where you embrace having freedom and adventures together with the children it also might help, I took mine on adventures, road trips to new places, camping trips, travel abroad (independant backpacking style!) I found it posdible to keep a sense of freedom and adventure to some extent. It will get easier the youngest is only 3 I think that's the main thing once the youngest gets to 6 or 7 I think things really improve.

Bit of an overreaction! I acknowledged the loss of her children’s father, that must be very difficult. But, there’s posts like this all the time, it just baffles me that people are so surprised by how tough parenting is, even under the best of circumstances.

I sometimes think asking someone for a favour is one of the kindest things you can do. A friend of mine asked me a few years ago to collect her from a garage after she dropped off her car. Shortly after I asked the same of her. We then fell into being the default back up for each other and it's genuinely made life so much easier for us both. Lift to airport/late for school pick up/need childcare for a few hours, etcetc we cover each other if possible.
OP I remember that stuck feeling very well. I recall a very cold night where we unexpectedly ran out of milk and I was at home with 3 young kids in their PJs, trying to weigh up my options.
Maybe it would be worthwhile asking a friend to take them until early evening? That way you could head somewhere nice straight after your morning drops and have an entire day to explore. There are always ways to reciprocate and show gratitude, especially with other single mom friends.
ETA I'm really sorry for your loss OP 💐

I'm not a lone parent OP and I find it hard enough. Be kind to yourself OP. You've got a lot going on with the death of your husband and you are so right that it's the build up of small things. No one can solve that problem for you right now, so it's OK to have a moan. Don't feel guilty!

On a practical level I would happily have a friends child in your situation for a day, evening or weekend.

She couldn’t have obviously but marriages break down, some dads work long hours so aren’t around to help much etc. Also think even with a supportive husband, you lack the same sense of spontaneity and freedom you had pre children. It’s just the way it is.

Sorry to burst your bubble but you are being harsh and frankly unrealistic. I have a hands on DH and parenting is NOT extremely difficult, even with me having a debilitating painful illness. I've had several weekends away with girlfriends or family in the last 6 months and so has DH. We alternate weekend mornings so we each have a morning to ourselves.

The fact she has lost her husband is key and absolutely awful. No one expects to be widowed when they have small children. OP is dealing with particularly difficult circumstances.

Would a holiday with an excellent children's club be possible for you? There are lots of hotels in Germany/ Switzerland 'Kinder Hotels' they are not cheap. But include childcare.

I have a husband and some support and I find it very hard sometimes thinking about my lack of freedom. Your situation is very different, and sounds very difficult. x

I think the problem is their ages: 6 and 3 are very demanding and you feel very trapped (more so as a lone parent I imagine). 6 and 9 however is a completely different story… So is 5 and 8. What I’m saying is that this is just a season and I think we all feel like this to an extent when our children are small. They don’t feel quite so suffocating in a few years time, and become much more portable. I don’t actually long for this anymore (mine are 10 and 13) but I did when they were tiny (and I had mine at 27 and 30 so I don’t think age really affects how you feel!)

We are the same. No childcare. Not even for a school pick up etc so always rushing. We just enjoyed time when they were in nursery (although that has gone now too as eldest in school and always off when I am off - I'm a teacher). It's hard and you have my sympathy.

I'm 46 and I've been a mother since 1996. I'm totally free now and have been for years, but it's swings and roundabouts isn't it?

Whilst I was raising children you were enjoying your freedom. So now it's the other way round - you're the one raising children whilst I'm enjoying freedom.

We all have that period of restrictions and responsibilities.

Hello.

I am really sorry that you lost your partner. My freedom is constrained by having an adult daughter with disabilities. I love her dearly but sometimes the lack of freedom is soul destroying.

I do, however, have an ex who lives abroad and does sometimes take over the responsibility. That makes a HUGE difference and keeps me (just about) sane, so I completely understand why you are struggling.

I don't blame you for being angry. You have been dealt a really tough hand.

This if you can afford it. As a lone parent I always used Scott Dunn they had the best kids clubs, DD had a blast and I got to have downtime, read a book, go for a swim, wander round Dubrovnik or wherever we were.

@overandoveragain26 you are obviously in a horrible and unexpected situation but it does make a difference being an older parent.
You've had your 20s and 30s to travel/build a career/buy a home etc etc. Younger sole parents might have to wait till their 40s and 50s to do that, so the other way around.
Could you budget to find a mature babysitter who could give you some regular time out? That could build up over time to a night away. You clearly feel trapped by your situation so finding a way to give yourself a small window for yourself might be a start.

I am sorry for your loss.
I think that you do have a romanticised view of what parenting is like if both children's parents are living together. I have 3 children and cannot just go to the shops, take a random day to go explore etc. Everything has to be planned. Like most of the other mothers i know. Many mothers have partners who work shifts, work away from home, long hours, refuse to look after their own children alone, have caring responsibilities for elderly parents, etc. Its not like there are two parents sat about the place all weekend or evening ready to tic-tack with each other on parenting duty. Its a full time 24-7 job, or has been for me anyway.
Yes, what has happened in your life is terrible and you are certainly grieving, justifiably so, but its not freedom you are missing out on because of your loss, it's your relationship.

You are grieving OP and dealing with a life you did not expect. Really difficult.

I am a single parent. I am a teacher so no time without my DC’s. They are at school every day I am.

Can you think of solutions around the spontaneity and a change of routine? Something positive.

I found going camping or glamping gave all of us a change of routine. Less rules, less expectation, some fun together. It doesn’t matter so much about routine, which clothes we pull on and the chores become a joint venture!

Even better if you have a friend with DC’s or a group of friends that you can do this with.
A friend of mine has a small camper van. She and her DC’s go away with a group of others all female with DC’s - a group found through social media.

Could anything like that be of interest?

Omg the replies on this thread are shocking! I suspect OP won't be back and who blames her...

A grieving single mother wants an anonymous moan about something which is - without question - hard. And gets loads of replies along the vein of what did you expect, suck it up, at least you had your decades of fun, this is life now...

Seriously I get that some people enjoy arguing their point online but pick a different thread!

I've only read your posts @overandoveragain26 . I'm shocked to hear that the message you're getting from some posters are about your age rather than the fact you have been widowed before your time and are now living a life you never expected to. That's awful. Shame on those posters.

My mum was widowed at 33 and left with me (3) and my older sister (7) to raise. So I understand a little of what you're experiencing. No family close by at all.

Back in the 80s, an organisation existed called Gingerbread. It was for single parents (which were a rarity back then). Mum made a few friends there and they used to reciprocate babysitting each others children. So we often used to have mum's friends kids at our house to play for a few hours/the day so their mum could go out. We'd also go to their house for the day, so our mum could go out.

Mum was close to one woman in particular - her children would do a sleep over at ours every few months. And we'd sleep over at hers every few months.

I imagine it was a lifesaver for mum to have these days/nights as every parent needs a little breathing space now and then.

Do any local groups like this exist near you? If not, do you have the gumption to set one up yourself on social media and see what happens?

Another thought I had is that could you employ a childminder once a week? They do extended days, so you could drop off at 8am and collect at 6pm. They'll also do the school run for your eldest.

All the best finding the breathing space you need.

Why would you tell someone you don't know what she really means?? She started a thread saying she misses her freedom, just assume that is what she means! It is a valid and rational response to being suddenly widowed at a young age.

Also - many mothers and presumably fathers can just swan off and spend some time doing what they fancy because they have someone at home to pick up the pieces, even with 3 kiss.

Bully for you! You’re being incredibly harsh to parents who do struggle. Not everyone is as perfect as you.

I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum
Well, yes, obviously. Why is this a revelation to you? What did you think parenting entails if not being responsible for your children?

Sorry @overandoveragain26 - I was going to stay and fight for you but this thread is silly now so I will also bow out. Hope you are ok!

Not always necessarily. You don’t know what people’s earlier yrs looked like. If they were grinding away working non stop with no yrs of fun to support others. A carer in their youth for someone close to them. Bereaved and dealing with that. Previous earlier life baby loss. Saving up for IVF for yrs and yrs. You never really know someone’s life.
This is a sweeping judgement that doesn’t fit that everyone is out running about having fun for more of their youthful yrs if they had children later.