To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

[overandoveragain26]

I’ve already posted in lone parents but no replies and I’ll be honest - I really need a whinge tonight, nothing else needed [ smile]

I love my children so much but … I want some time away, some proper time away, not a few snatched hours, a full day, preferably a weekend, where I don’t need to worry about dashing back, can explore somewhere new, can wander and be me and soak it all in.

And it isn’t realistic for it to happen. No family to help, it’s a huge massive ask for friends, and I just need to wait until they are old enough to be self sufficient but realistically that’s going to be a decade or more!

It’s shit. I’m not a single parent but for ten years my DH worked away for months at a time. He’d be on his way home after 31 consecutive days alone, and I’d literally wait to see his car turn into the road and I’d get my shoes on and be walking out the door the second he walked in. Just to breathe.

Recently I had to go to another city for an interview and I stayed over. I deliberately asked for my interview to be early so that I could wander the city afterwards. It was the first time in a decade I had time to myself. I literally felt alive. I wandered some beautiful old historic buildings and had lunch alone. I was supremely happy.

I now work compressed hours and have one day off when the kids are at school but book ended by the school rush drop off and pick up it’s not the same at all.

We have zero family help, everyone is dead except for me and my DM and yes, we calculate another decade before we can ever go away overnight without kids. It’s very hard.

When my DH worked away trying to explain to other parents that I was trapped in the house for example at night, because I was welded to the kids sleep schedules and needs, was impossible. It’s hard to explain the total lack of freedom when you know day after day that you can’t even pop out to the corner shop for a Wispa!

I can remember that feeling of being on lockdown and it is restricting.

It does get easier as they get older and you can do trips with them, I did lots of little holidays (budget friendly) in the UK.

Are there no relatives on either side that would want to be more involved? I was lucky that my DDs grandparents helped when I wanted the occasional night away.

I am sorry OP, it must be devastating. Easy for someone else to stand back and see there will be a day when your spontaneous, unhurried time is back, but now you are in the thick of it, bereaved and perhaps bewildered that this tragedy has happened and this is your life now.

In less than two years both children will be in school and you can book after school club and take annual leave to have regular breaks. Your little one goes to nursery?

You are saying you want 'more' than the odd day here and there but that may not be possible unless you can find someone very trusted that you can introduce to your children and build up to a whole weekend possibly?

It does get easier as they get older.

We were at the independent stage, then got a dog . Almost back to square one!

I think you can work towards this op?

So sorry for your loss.

Wishing you well on your journey through lone parenthood and out the other side.

I think people are just trying to be supportive, and point out options/reassure you that all parents experience a loss of freedom (although not usually to the same extent) because it doesn’t seem very helpful to say ‘oh, that’s just the worst, you won’t be free for a decade’.

But I’m sure you’re grieving what you thought you’d have versus what life is now, as well as the loss of your children’s dad as a partner and equal parent, and that’s utterly devastating. I’m so sorry, OP. I can see it must just feel like an endless slog with no moments to escape and properly take a breath, because you’re just permanently stuck in ‘mum mode’ without another parent to take the burden for a few hours.

Im a lone parent and i understand. As they get older your world gets bigger together. Do you have mum friends or colleagues to have outings with?

I was also a solo parent due to bereavement. DH had been ill and I was working so there certainly weren’t whole days of unplanned spontaneity before he died, I don’t think there were for most of our friends who were parents.

Planning is key, even if you just plan the time off and spontaneously decide what to do. I had a babysitter two evenings a week and couldn’t have survived without her. Occasional summer camp when they were older really just meant I could work during school holidays.

I did spontaneous things with the children, and my parents covered the occasional weekend when they were 8-10. It was restrictive but children are and we all sign up for that; “kindreren zijn hinderen” and free weekends are only for the divorced.

Sympathy, it’s possible to feel very trapped and very emotionally and practically tied to the children at the same time.

It does get better - although you've got a long haul ahead I'm sorry to say.

Mine are 16 and 13, and I can go out for an evening now, I can pop out in the day to do whatever I want, and I'm within spitting distance of feeling able to go away for a night - it's so close!

But yes, when they were younger, it felt relentless - knowing that once they were in bed, yes, I was 'free' but only free in my own home, I couldn't actually do anything.

Doing the thing others have mentioned where I just played hooky from work (I'm freelance) some days - dropping them off at school then going to Ikea, or into town for a wander and a meal-deal from boots like when I used to have a normal job and no kids.

So sorry for your loss OP

I definitely get that sole parenting is not what you signed up for, of course you love them but some says it's tough. It's not just the physical load, it's the mental load too, having to be the person who thinks about everything, plans everything.

It is true that it does get easier. My 2 (6 and 8) went away a few weeks ago with Rainbows and Brownies at same time. The house felt very strangely quiet, but it was nice to have some (non working) child free time.

I also did a childcare swop with a close friend who has 2 the same age for a weekend.

So you are potentially only 3 years (which I know feels like a lifetime) off similar.

If you keep your current working pattern then it will get easier when the youngest is in school. You’d have 2 days to yourself and that is something most people don’t get. If you want a longer day go for wrap-around care.

Obviously your situation in general will be different to most as you’re dealing with a bereavement but you have to find the snatches of time you’ll get for you and make the most of them. It might never be weekends away again but there is lots you can still do while the kids are at school.

Aww I totally get it. As a fellow solo parent it is totally relentless and I felt like I had no freedom for ages. Taking a day off work when they're at school is great in theory but I needed all my leave from work to cover all the school holidays. As there was nobody to share the load with, so my leave and holiday clubs was the only solution. No time for me.

I did used to make the most of the odd hour or two they were at an activity but it wasn't spontaneous and I was constantly clock watching.

It gets easier - they're early 20s now. It feels like yesterday and equally a lifetime ago that I had to worry about that as now I have total freedom.

Its tough - but you'll get through it!

Sorry if I've missed it, I know you said no family, but what about your late husband's family?

I'm similar age to you, a single parent with a 7 year old, so my parents are too old to have him for any significant time, but my sister has him overnight if I want to go somewhere and his dad can't have him. Have you got in laws who can help?

I do get it, I go on solo trips/holidays as well as trips with friends, and it means I can fully relax and recharge.

Totally get it and even more so you've said a bereavement so it's not as if you set out from the go for single parenthood from the sounds of it.
My situation is definitely different but I get the feeling of not being able to completely relax because your thinking right I need to leave at X time oh the traffic on the motorway will be terrible I might be late I best leave at X and before you know it your like oh I can't be arsed it's too much faff.

Well it goes incredibly quickly and they're already 6 and 3. Plus pretty soon they'll want to spend less and less time with their mum and more time with friends. I won't say enjoy it whilst you can but people say that because when their childhood ends, you realise that it went so fast and you wish you'd relaxed more.

Given your circumstances I imagine most of your friends would be more than happy to help op. Have you even spoken to them?

As soon as the younger one starts school, You’ll become expert at finding everything interesting or beautiful in reach of the school day. My “range” covered the Ashmolean to the south coast, and Reading to Bath.

Afterschool club once or twice a week is good for all of you and buys you an extra couple of hours.

But yes, before ds, I travelled a lot, since ds, not so much.

@overandoveragain26 it may feel insurmountable now but you can work something out. My teen babysits for our neighbours and has done a 12 hour stint for them while they went to a wedding - from 1 in the afternoon to 1 in the morning.

When mine were younger, we had a family with similar age kids that both were friends with, and we would exchange double sleepovers so we could go to parties.

I also had a childminder who I could pay to stay for the night if we needed it. Obviously this all costs money and you don't mention your financial situation, but there are ways that you can work this out.

I get that this doesn't help with the spontaneity problem of just popping out when you feel like it, but it does mean you can go to things that are pre-arranged like theatre, gigs, weekends away if you can afford to pay for childcare.

Its called parenthood. A big ball and chain round your ankle for years. Are there aother school gate mums you can get into conversation with? It worked for me. Single parent, ex nowhere to be seen, family lived miles away. I got chatting with some of the school mums and I ended up with a good circle of friends x

We had friend’s DC over for a weekend once while they went for a weekend break, we didn’t really mind, it was not much work to have two more when you already have child-centric weekends -> you should ask!

I just wanted to say I understand OP. I’m so sorry you lost your DH, solo parenting is hard.

my Situation is different as exDH is around, however he doesn’t have his children very much and they don’t want to see him because of it. So it’s me and them, all the time with the exception of school. They were 1, 3 and 6 when we split but we are 7 years on now and those years were a slog, I won’t lie. Now they are older life has become easier as their demands are different and they understand a lot more. I’m also late 40’s now.

I don’t have any solutions for you as you’re right there really aren’t any - it’s just a time thing. I just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling, you’re in the trenches. In time it will feel less, and you will get your time again.

To be fair you waited till 40 to have kids so you had over 20 years of adult life to be free and spontaneous. You also must have predicted life would be this way for a while, it’s just motherhood for most people.

First of all I’m sorry for your loss OP, and I’m sorry that some of the replies here have made you feel worse. I do think that some people were clumsily trying to make you feel better, but you’re right, it’s shit.

It’s the little things isn’t it, like you said fancying some chocolate, or seeing an evening class or activity you’d like to attend and not being able to just go.

I have no advice, but I understand what you’re saying.