To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

[overandoveragain26]

I’ve already posted in lone parents but no replies and I’ll be honest - I really need a whinge tonight, nothing else needed [ smile]

I love my children so much but … I want some time away, some proper time away, not a few snatched hours, a full day, preferably a weekend, where I don’t need to worry about dashing back, can explore somewhere new, can wander and be me and soak it all in.

And it isn’t realistic for it to happen. No family to help, it’s a huge massive ask for friends, and I just need to wait until they are old enough to be self sufficient but realistically that’s going to be a decade or more!

If you were my friend, I really wouldnt mind you asking me to have them for a weekend as a one off "I need some me time" thing. Maybe you have a friend who also wouldn't mind as a one off?

I remember people telling me to just get a baby sitter as if it's that easy!

I feel like in general once you have children then you have to accept that you tend to lose the ability to be spontaneous and do just what you like. I also think don’t get your hopes up for it becoming easier as they get older. Mine have become more dependent on my help! Activities have increased. Social life increased and they need lifts!
I also do not think that with a partner you are guaranteed sharing the load.

my advice is to make peace with your situation. Control the controllable. If you can change your mindset to view certain activities with them as mildly satisfying your desires then it’s a small bonus. Are there any child friendly hotels you can take them to that enable you to feel like an adult whilst they enjoy themselves also. Take them to the city you want to explore but build in child activities along the way. Tire them out and sit in dark with a cocktail can and an iPad. I just have found you have to make the best of a bad situation being a solo parent.

Did you read any of the OP’s posts?

How could she predict that her husband was going to die?

Gosh some of these replies are not helpful at all 🙈
I'm so sorry op. You're totally valid in how you feel. It's absolutely shite and really relentlessly suffocatingly hard. It's ok to say that out loud. Maybe this is not the place for it. I'm hoping you're able to find someone who truly gets it so you can have a proper vent together.💐

Have you tried these groups for single and bereaved parents ?

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

thejollydollies.co.uk/

I had my son at 21 when I was happily (I thought anyway) married, and so obviously expecting that level of help. Nope. Off he fucked after 2 weeks to visit his family in a very far away country. When he was back he just wasn't bothered and treated us like an inconvenience. I then didn't really see him again until two years later when we agreed to divorce.

Nobody I knew then had ANY idea how hard that was. 21 with a baby and husband walks away so he can keep living life as a single man. Until I was in my early/mid 30s I didn't go anywhere or have any holidays at all. I went to the US, with my son in fact, when I was 33 and had such a good time.

I then realised he was actually great company. Of course I cherished free time too, but there is little I could do in that respect. I chose to have him, my circumstances changed, and that was that really.

He's 30 now and I have had all the freedom I want, and have had for 10 years now.

Bit back to front from your case, as i lost my freedom when very young, then got it back later, but I do know what it feels like. I watched my friends go off on holidays, first jobs, etc., and there I was with absolutely no help.

I don't really feel you're looking for solutions and you seem very frustrated so I won't try and offer any advice. I just understand that feeling of despair, just mine was when I was young. You might want to try and include them if you can, they can be fun!

Jesus people stop banging on about her age, she is widowed for god sake. It is insensitive in the extreme, especially since she has asked multiple times for you to stop.

OP I am sorry this thread has made you feel worse. I absolutely understand what you mean, a lack of freedom sucks in normal circumstances, yours is clearly much worse.

Oh man OP I'm so sorry. that sounds so hard. Your age means very little. we all struggle at times. a break is so necessary but often unobtainable.

You will get there. Mine are now 27 (with significant autism) 24 & 21. I’ve been a single parent since 2010. But now I am living my best life !

I think some replies here are harsh but for the age thing, if someone was a lone parent at 25, it’s different from being a lone parent to young kids in the mid 40s because for a 25yo, thats probably all they’ve known, they’ve not experienced the freedom and spontaneity that someone in their 40s have experienced before having kids so you’ll feel this more as you’re missing something that someone who is 25 might not have experienced. However your feelings are valid. It’s really hard to have no help and I think people that get childcare help no matter how small struggle to understand that there are some people who have none at all.
However, for now, you need to have a different mindset, you can’t have the sort of spontaneity you had before but you can plan to take some hours just for yourself when they’re in school or preschool, book them to breakfast and after school club so you can have a longer day to yourself doing whatever you fancy. You’ll just make the best of what you have now till you get something else

If you want some practical ideas, I think I would have struggled a lot more if I hadn't got really good routines in place for bedtime (so at least they went to bed easily, and I wasn't having my small amount of evening started with a fight to put them to bed, and making it so they could get their own breakfast, so at the weekend I could spend that little bit of extra time in bed without worrying they were getting themselves in trouble (living in a flat helped - I could lie in bed and hear what was going on).

I would arrive for pickup a little bit early when I could, so I could go for a walk in the sun (or pre-covid, have a chat with the other parents), or take 30 mins after drop-off to do the same (flexible job was a life-saver)

Mine never took to summer clubs, but luckily are quite self-contained (once they were school aged at least), so I could get quiet in the day in a different room to them when I needed it.

And like a PP said, I actually do enjoy their company now they'e older - sure, both together they can play up with each other, and sometimes I do hit my limit about how much minecraft discussion I can take, but as they get older, they do become better and better company.

I'm sorry you feel like that, you've had some really insensitive replies. I don't know why. I get what you're saying though. I was a single parent with my first (a young single parent 😂) through less tragic circumstances, but still. I was so envious of friends who could get a takeaway at 8pm! I would have had to drag a toddler out of bed for that, or ask favours or pay a sitter. You can't just decide - I've had a tough day, fuck it I'm not cooking.... Everything has to be planned, accounted for and juggled. It's exhausting. I did find the snatched moments that you mentioned helpful though..

I have a 14 year gap and now I'm parenting with a fully committed equal partner and although I can't jet off somewhere exotic I can, say, go for a long walk at the end of the day. Or pop out to see a friend. Or call into a shop on the way home. Or go away for a weekend. Or even just get that takeaway at 8pm. So I disagree with posters who say that it's like this for us all - it's not. It's harder when you're on you own (but having said that this stage truly truly doesn't last as long as it feels and before you know it you have teens who are never home and you feel a different kind of bereft 😂😂

Hang in there, it gets better

My mum had two in her twenties then me at fourty. She said it was such Difference being older as she had less energy and saw it as an heavy commitment until aged 60! Obviously I was an unplanned menopause baby! When I left home in my twenties she started having mobility problems, and unable to leave the house without support. It was a real shock for her. Try and find small amounts of joy here and there in groups, outings, activities etc

This absolutely sucks for you OP.

I was a single parent, luckily with more support than you have, and even then I felt the sheer relentless responsibility of it sitting heavily on my shoulders. You are in a very difficult position and you have my real sympathy.

I'm not sure there are many practical tips anyone can offer, but bear with it, enjoy your children while they are small because it really does pass quickly - and know this is a phase and things will get easier again. It's not the life you expected, but it's the one you have right now, and I think you'll be best making your peace with that.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. How long ago did you lose your partner? Your grief is very much coming through in your posts, so I am wondering if perhaps it is still quite recent, and this feeling is a big part of the grieving process.

People are trying to help with their comments. I had my eldest at 25 - at times over the years I’ve felt envious of those having their children in their late 30’s as I feel I missed out on my youth (I met my husband when I was 19, when I left uni I went straight into full time work, I never travelled, never had big nights out with friends, never did spontaneous trips etc) but then those who had their children later say to me at least I’m still young enjoy the freedom that is finally beginning to appear, whereas they are still in the trenches, so to speak. But with a number of chronic health conditions now, I can’t enjoy that freedom in quite the same way. Anyway, the point is, there is no perfect age to have children, and we almost all feel that loss of ourselves etc. I do get what you are saying though about it being harder with no partner, or even no ex in the picture - but you only have to read a few posts on here to realise that many women, even in relationships, are shouldering all the burden and their useless “partners” might as well not be here as they will never do anything with the kids!

As mentioned, I am married, but in the 21 years since having my eldest, I have had 1 weekend “off” where I went away with 2 friends in 2019 to a festival. That was only possible by planning it 9 months in advance, the kids being much older (they were 15, 12 and 8), and me making sure as much was done as possible before I left. I also had to arrange for my parents to be on “standby” if any help were needed….

No-one’s life is perfect. We all wish for something we think others have better. If I could switch situations with you, I actually would in a heartbeat (that sounds awful I know, but after years of emotional abuse and shouldering the burden of everything with the kids, that’s just how I feel) - it sounds like your partner actually pulled his weight and I wish I could give you that back.

I know it gets trotted out on here a lot, but some therapy/counselling could be really beneficial to help you work through your grief.

Could you go a week away with a friend and take turns to let each other have a break for a day or two? One stay in family room and have room at other end of Hotel for Mum decompress? Even a travel lodge or premier inn.

I know it’s not a weekend but when my partner and I want a day date. We put our youngest in breakfast and afterschool clubs. So he’d be there 7:30-5-30. We would then go to the seaside or sightseeing in one of the big city’s up here. Could that be an option?

• I do also take my children on days out lol! Sounds bad me going to the seaside etc without him!!! But we take him all over lol!!!

I understand OP. My situation is a little bit different to yours but involves solo parenting most of the time, and doing 80% the rest of the time. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do it 100% on your own. I too have the - fancy some chocolate, ah can't pile all the kids in the car, wait until tomorrow. Then forget about it when I could have got chocolate whilst working until the evening again when it is too late, rinse and repeat. That example is such a small thing, but is you suppressing your wants and needs for others. And when you do that all day every day it feels like a prison. Even if you love the kids and wouldn't give them up. When you have no moment where you can just be you and everything is kids>work>kids>sleep>kids.

Ignore everyone going on about your age too, idiots. If you got 10 years in prison and were finding loss of your freedom hard would people go 'oh well you had those 30 years freedom before so suck it up sonny jim?' Would they bollocks. Ignore them OP. What went before changes nothing about how hard it is now.

I don’t want to sound harsh, but what did you expect parenting to be? I ask that genuinely, not trying to be snarky. I’m really sorry about the children’s dad but even having two parents, parenting is extremely hard work and exhausting. I chose not to have children as I didn’t want to give up my freedom. I hope things get easier for you soon.

I was empathic of your single parent difficulties -
however, I think your mindset is not good -
wanting to not be ‘on a schedule’
thinking the school day does not allow sufficient freedom
not recognising the decades of freedom you had before having them and being grumpy about people pointing this out

you are a parent.
by choice
you can’t have your cake and eat it

I do think that when people have children later in life and have had 20 odd years of being “free” that they feel their lack of freedom more than people who haven’t had all those years to themselves. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I just think it’s logical - they’ve got used to it so much more than someone who had it for only 5 or even 10 years.

Some weird replies on this thread.
Of course being a LP to young children is overwhelming, knackering and restrictive.
And then add in grieving your partner/husband and the life you were supposed to have.

I can only say that it will get easier as they both gradually develop more independence. But right now, yes, it's really hard.

I really hear you. I had my two at 39 and 42 aswell and was a lone parent from when they were 1 and 3. There was no family support and then their Dad died. I really prioritised early routined bedtimes as I desperately needed that evening space, even to just sit in the garden. Then when they were around 5 and 7, I'd get a neighbour's teen to babysit for a few hours once they were in bed, confident that they wouldn't get up. I did regular after school swaps with another parent once a week so we could save on 2 afterschool clubs and that gave me another break.My kids are still best friends with theirs and were comfortable with sleepovers with each other fairly early on as welI as they all got used to spending time in each others houses. I also became friends with other lone parents as they got slightly older and again could reciprocate with childcare to give ourselves a break. It wasn't easy financially, but when they were around 9 and 11, I made another paid arrangement with a neighbour to have them overnight once a fortnight at theirs. I'd feed them first, have them in PJ's, they'd take sleeping bags round,watch a film together at theirs with snacks that I provided...and then toddle off to bed! It worked a treat for years and my neighbour was happy with some cash. The key for me was to really get to know the people around us and to create a village, where I could reciprocate without feeling like a burden to anyone. It's hard, but it does get easier xx

Tbf, I'd rather spend a decade in prison at forty than twenty. If nothing else, time goes faster when you're older, plus you're not losing your fittest, healthiest, most carefree years, and you're more mature and experienced so better able to cope with the struggle of it while keeping your perspective.

But I think most people were just trying to look at the glass as half full, and find the (minor) positives in a really tough situation. It's obviously not anywhere near easy for OP whatever age she is!

I think you need to want to find a solution to a carefree life (which is a state of mind anyway) but I think your longing runs deeper than a few days off, I imagine it is the overwhelming sense of responsibility that you are facing alone op. I hope you are in therapy. You can't go through a life changing loss without a ton of support and help. It is enormous at any age, but but with young children it must feel daunting, and dreaming of being wild and carefree is almost a coping strategy to deal with everything else. A longing to have some mental space to feel your own feelings, listen to your own thoughts and quiet.