Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂
DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.
We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.
On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.
The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.
So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?
He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.
Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)
He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.
We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.
So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)
Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?
Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom
I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.
Looking forward to reading supportive replies