AIBU to expect my partner to keep his house more manageable?

[Swiftie1973]

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

Why do you still go round there? Sign him up for ‘Sort your life out!’ Not joking. They put all stuff in a warehouse in categories then sort everything out. Then the team out the house in more organised way.

Don’t sort it out for him. He is not a child. If he wants to he will. If you do it, it will just revert over time and you will be even more annoyed.
Personally, I would just not go there. I’d be honest why too. Up to him to fix it if he wants you round.
I’ve had 2 partners who were congenitally late. I deal with it by having an alternative strategy to get to where we need to be by myself if necessary. At the agreed time to leave I will go and tell him to meet me there when he is ready. Either he doesn’t mind and so we are both happy - I am on time and he is not rushed, or (more common) it makes him get his bottom into gear as he knows I will leave when I said I would and he doesn’t want to be left behind. The thing I will not do is wait and be late.

Others have mentioned that his house is his problem.

I would just add that you are both rude persistently to turn up to friends' events late.
If he will not be on time, can you meet him there?

I’m with the ADHD camp here. My darling late partner was exactly the same. It isn’t that they don’t know how to run a house, it’s inability to start or finish a task if there is no dopamine involved.
If you want to help, try writing him a list. On paper. Heading - things to do before Swiftie visits on Saturday. It helped my DP, but he had high functioning autism (formerly known as Asperger’s) too, so loved a list. I did put my foot down and demanded he tidied up our (his) study, after he did it, he said often “it’s amazing in there now”.
Good luck, he does sound a decent, but unintentionally annoying guy!

I could have written this OP. Lovely man. Great cook. House is a dump.

There’s a bit of clearing up goes on, but mainly stuff just languishes. I mentioned some books on the stairs when I first met him and he told me they’ve been there about three years while he’s deciding what to do with them.

I’ve dropped odd hints but they seem to go a little bit unnoticed or an excuse is produced.

The bathroom is generally clean. The kitchen is clean, but there’s just stuff out everywhere.
I used the ensuite in his bedroom recently all the cupboard doors were open as where the drawers and there were stuff just spilling out everywhere with massive piles of washing some clean some not on the floor. Fortunately, I’ve got a good excuse not to stay there, but he does keep saying about me staying over. I have serious ick about his bedroom.

He’s definitely got a lot going on so I do feel I need to give him some slack, but at some point if we were able to live together, he’ll need to get both barrels. It reminds me of my teenage brother forty years ago.

I have no idea how to actually bring it up really and have decided that it’s easier for him to come to me where he’s actually quite good about stuff on the whole. I’m sure one day there will need to be a conversation, but I can’t be bothered at the moment.

I can relate and have a slightly similar situation although my bf housekeeping is better. It’s just his house is tiny, over cluttered and…. Dare I say manky. He actually has a cleaner but I don’t know what she does and tbf it’s hard to clean with so much clutter about. Carpet that needs replacing as it’s so grubby and worn, and various bits with paint peeling off the walls and ceiling. It’s so small that the only place to sit is one sofa in the living room. He lives with his teen son so it can feel cramped very fast. On the up side his kitchen is more recently done and he does put the dishwasher on every night. And the bedroom is nice.
his son has some yucky habits and I on occasion have gone to the loo and found a massive sh*t in it (with no paper 🙁)
Ive offered to help sort and clean but he’s politely declined.

my home isn’t perfect but is so much nicer. Unfortunately as he’s widowed and has his son all the time we have to spend more time there for now 🙁.

That had really never occurred to me (or him) if he did and the answer was that he did, then what?

That's hard FirstdatesFred
I'm sorry, your situation has similarities to mine.
Inline you, I am in a situation where we could just meet at mine though wth his terrible time keeping he would be late for dinner, at least when I go there I can speed dinner along!
Hope things get easier for you. We might both be painting a bedroom in the autumn!

"i could have written this OP. Lovely man. Great cook. House is a dump" ohsuchsorefeet we are in the same boat! I do sometimes bin a few things on my way out which are rubbish that he'd been meaning to sort! Probably shouldn't but sometimes I can't help myself 🫣

Yes if it is local to me (ie my friends/family) I often do. And everyone I know knows I am always on time so there's absolutely no doubt what's held us up and when we see his friends well, they all know he's always late. It's annoying though when w arrive so late to a theatre that we are rushing in no time to get a drink. End of the night you can't get him out of a place 🤷

I love that programme but he would never watch it!

No I said "shall we redecorate the bedroom one weekend in the autumn " (ie when the garden projects are less pressing)? I offered to help him I don't think that's overstepping the mark, we share both our bedrooms with each other and have been together 15 years not 15 weeks.

Apologies I meant inattentive not inactive. Typed too quickly!

I couldn’t cope with that level of mess OP. Just meet at yours. Simple!

Then he will understand so much more about himself & how to deal with some of these traits.

I say this as someone who is awaiting an official assessment/ diagnosis in their 50s.

My entire life now starts to make sense. Menopause makes it worse for women & it is when the penny finally started to drop for me - there was I, an intelligent professional being threatened with disciplinary action for my timekeeping, but I couldn't do anything about it, didn't understand why I couldn't just get to work on time. I would be up hours early but still be late. Now it (and a lot of other things) finally makes sense.

Now I understand the WHY, I am more able to put things in place to enable me to not be late for work any more. This is just one example.

He could consider medication, but also just knowing you have a condition can help you manage.

Knowing that your brain works differently provides two benefits. The first is self acceptance. You stop feeling bad for being different and failing at things other people find easy. The second is knowing that you need to tackle certain tasks differently.

It becomes easier to change those light bulbs when you know you need a system in place to make it happen.

I would just not visit his house and lateness irritates me so I would say if I needed to leave mine at 7 just say I needed to leave at 6:30.

Not a diagnostician, but this is very ADD behavior. Starting projects and getting distracted. Getting distracted again and starting something else. A quality called “time blindness”. He probably MEANS to be on time, but misjudges how much time it will take to get there. No ill intent, just doesn’t quite get it. As for the house, I have a dear friend who simply doesn’t notice things because he’s looking at other things. Whatever he is focused on is all there is. It drives his wife (also a very dear friend) absolutely wild. They’ve been married over 40 years. About 5 years ago, he finally got diagnosed with ADD. He also got medication and counseling. It hasn’t fixed everything, but it’s certainly made it better. Not saying this is what’s going on with your fella, just something to consider. You didn’t say if you’ve talked about those issues with him. In fairness, you should.’If you feel you don’t have the patience to deal with it, then you have a decision to make.

Tolerate. Don't live there.
Comment if something seems dangerous.

Suggest that teaching his kids some skills like changing a light bulb could help them fare better at job interviews.

Yes I think the kids (grown up) just sort of despair and leave it be. It is hard to change someone as many of you have said. When he worked abroad for a year and shared a flat with another UK bloke, the other bloke told him to start paying attention and putting things away in the dishwasher/wiping up after making food, and he did. Same at mine, he does (because I insisted) clear up after we have eaten and I have cooked. So it is possible. I do find it hard to understand some posters who have said they have been unable to adjust to being late, I wonder how an intelligent person can't come up with their own solution to leave when the alarm bell (or whatever) clangs. I have on numerous occasions given him a time and then left and got myself there. Once that meant we both drove a one hour round trip to a venue which was annoying for him as I had said I would drive so he would have been able to have a drink. Instead as he was ten mins late and missed me, we both drove and I arrived 15 mins before the start, and he arrived 30 seconds before the start in a fluster (which would have been both of us if I had waited) he did tighten up the time keeping after that for a while. But it does feel like teaching a child at times.

I feel pretty certain that if he had a new girlfriend (or when occasional friends come round) he knows he needs to clean up properly. So why can't the adult man get that living like this is rubbish for me and his kids as well as his own well being (spends hours looking for lost things as an obvious example when just being less chaotic and putting things away would resolve that)

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts, thank you. And I appreciate no one saying I should leave him! It is possible we will at some point merge households once all our youngsters have left, I know I have to think very carefully about that! Side by side houses with one each sounds appealing!

I would just leave him to it. He won’t change. You could try and sort stuff out there but it will soon go back to normal. Not worth investing your time in to

He sounds like the perfect example of somebody that starts a project and before it’s finished, they start another, and then another

If he does have ADHD I would say, as someone with ADHD, please don’t take any of this personally (lateness, mess, everything). He probably doesn’t know how to be any different, it’s a LOT of work to fight against your own personality all day every day! Sounds like a lovely boyfriend and you guys have a great relationship. Just don’t ever live together and keep it that way 😆

My thoughts are that they likely think tidying up for us doesn’t matter and we don’t mind it. My House is not the tidiest, but it’s nowhere near the dump DP.’s is. I honestly think he thinks I don’t mind. But I Do! I’m just not that horrible to mention it and upset him (as I did once early on in the relationship).

My DP says he’d like us to live together eventually (I won’t be moving into his dump and I’m not sure I’d like him here permanently). He’s Lovely every other way.

I can see me upsetting him hugely one day. For the moment I’m not brave enough to say anything 😩

Lateness is so rude, it's unforgivable for me.
I will not start on the house....

“I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos”.

OR… You don’t value him because he’s quite happy the way he is and you’re constantly criticising and expect him to change to suit you 🤷🏻‍♀️