AIBU to expect my partner to keep his house more manageable?

[Swiftie1973]

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

I would just be thankful that you have never combined resources to buy a bigger property with even more potential for chaos! I suspect, though, that you would still be successfully managing the upkeep, but resenting the lack of effort from him. As things are, I would say that what he does with his own house is his business, and shouldn’t really be your concern, although I do understand the frustration when other people you care about don’t do things in a way you think would be better for them! If his property management shortcomings aren’t a dealbreaker, then you’ll have to try and disengage from fretting about his house, and definitely don’t undertake the management of it yourself!

For some people, I think persistent lateness can be a way of taking some control in a chaotic environment. I have a close friend who fits that pattern - hoarder traits and invariably late for things that aren’t absolutely vital, like coffee dates etc., but the loveliest, most considerate friend in every other way!

I'm sure you will get some sound advice. I just wanted to comment on the time keeping.
I always tell my DH a leaving time that's at least 15 mins before we need to leave anywhere.
Also, I'm reminded of a comment made to me back in the day. Was at the airport in a group of friends, the boyfriend of one of my friends and I were drinking coffee in the airport - the others having gone for a smoke. He was habitually late, it drove my friend and us all to distraction. I always thought he had time blindness.

On this trip we all agree to tell him all timings minus 1 hour, so he couldn't be late. He was moaning to me about getting to the airport early and it being a waste of time. I asked him why he was often late.
He replied that he didn't like waiting around and didn't like waiting for others.
I countered that he was happy with other people waiting for him though.

Suffice to say, from then onwards I did not wait for him ever. Left him at various venues (if I drove), friend also started doing this when I told her what he said. They lasted about 6 months after that holiday.

edit to add: missed yr update on this very point 👇🏼

That'd be the deciding factor, I think. If the house’s condition is reflected in the way he attends to his grooming and clothes, then I’d skedaddle.
If however he is always clean, fresh, well shaven, and decently attired, I’d have a quite different reaction; far more liberal. (I’d include a clean loo, and ditto sheets, as encompassed by ‘personal grooming’, I guess)

I’d expect a man to know what is appropriate to an occasion, and not turn up to see the RSC with me at Stratford still wearing the very whiffy old sweatshirt he’s been in all week. Even if OP didn’t care, it’d be an insult to the occasion and to other patrons. Ditto a restaurant dinner date, etc.
He may manage to tell himself his DP is relaxed and chill and all that rubbish, but being (or acting, rather) ignorant of all decorum is a massive turnoff. Somehow it makes me think the person would have the grossest table manners too, driven by a blind urge to satisfy himself and to hell with everyone else. (What that'd mean in bed doesn't bear thinking about)

• OP just so you know:

“Hold fire”: restrain your attack pro tem. “Hold forth”: expatiate at length with a strongly held opinion!

@maudelovesharold "For some people, I think persistent lateness can be a way of taking some control in a chaotic environment."

I'm not sure I agree.
IMO People who are always late are telling you quite clearly "my time is more important than yours".
I give people 15 mins and then go.

Do you think it’s because he can’t afford to do it or isn’t interested or bothered by it

He would probably say, "yes, yes, I am doing it..."
And then a week later he wound have spent any free time building a wooden box to sit over the plastic box containing his power tools 😬🤣 (or similar)
His sense of priorities is entirely missing (meaning, they are very contrasting to mine 🤣) when it comes to house stuff.

When we are away together he washes up and tidies the kitchen after meals up to my sort of standard. Certainly didn't think I did do it all. He's a good cook so cooks at his and I wash up.

And to answer another poster, at mine he makes the bed (badly, but makes it) if last up. Washes up if I have cooked (though I am tidy when cooking and wash as I go )

It's really mainly just at his house

I can't imagine that he enjoys living in such chaos deep down and as his partner I would be inclined to help him by dividing it into tasks to tick off a list together. Noone is perfect and he sounds like a good partner in other areas.

The electrician he says he can't afford it at the moment, and often delays things by saying this. However he has spents hundreds on garden stuff (looks like steptoe and son's yard) and we eat out, just been to a festival etc. So, again he's not loaded but I would prioritise a working bathroom light over a couple of dinners out. So I guess the inaction is that it doesn't bother him.

If he wasn't a lovely person, good and thoughtful lover, good company I would have left him!

If hes a good man otherwise, I'd pin him down and create a plan of action to try and motivate him. Not do the work for him. But try and channel him a bit. Can he afford to get someone in to sort the lights out?

I agree this isn’t your problem to fix but I understand your challenges. Ex lived like this and worse. His bedroom was truly awful to try and sleep in with paper hanging off the walls, bare patchy plaster, curtains hanging only by about 4 hooks etc. It was damp and there was always a smell somewhere in the house but with the amount of clutter he could never really pinpoint it.
As with your partner, his personal hygiene was always good and his clothes were clean (if strewn around the house drying usually).
I never liked staying there but if I didn’t I was always hosting which meant planning, cooking, cleaning up etc.
Not staying there would seem the obvious outcome, but that’ll create more work for you.
I never actually said ‘your house is a cesspit’ but have you tried this? Maybe being really honest with him is the only option left if you don’t want to leave (which I did, as he wasn’t as good a person as your partner seems to be).

One of his sons is moving out soon and I am pretty sure his place will be spotless. I feel it must be hard for DP because it would be very hard for me! But I don't know. He's one of those people that never puts a cup in the dishwasher, just puts it in the kitchen. I am more the one touch access take it to the destination

Brightbluesomething

On occasion I have said something like that when I am really exasperated. I think that has meant that next time the bathroom has had a proper clean. But I am loathe to say "thank you for cleaning the bathroom" even if it's clean, as it's no cleaner than any bathroom of any one you know so why comment and imply he needs a pat on the back?

I agree that some people use persistent lateness as a form of control - abusive exDP definitely did this: if it mattered to him (eg going on holiday), he would arrive on time or even early. Otherwise (eg visiting my parents) he would always be very late.

Although I do also agree about the possibility of ADHD.

Does his chaotic and unkempt nature extend to his own personal hygiene? If so that would be a major no no for me and I’d have to say something but otherwise I’d let him crack on but I wouldn’t be going round.

I have suggested we paint the bedroom together in the autumn and he didn't say yes or no! Just
Sort of mumbled
One off spring and partner moving out next week (own home) so very much hoping they will take everything of theirs. And the spare room vacated can give DP more space to move crap from living areas I hope. Ever hopeful!

OP, it's his house - it's nothing to do with you. He might find your house overly neat, not relaxing etc, but you equally have a right to keep your own house however you like. If you absolutely don't want to visit him, then don't. But equally, stop telling the poor guy what to do in his own home.

I would see this as a warning not to move in together. He woukd be a nightmare to live with.

If you aren’t going to leave him then stay in your own separate homes and don’t concern yourself with his mess unless he brings chaos to your home when he visits .

Oh WOW. I thought he was alone there.
Well, I don’t think much of the offspring for not doing a bit of housework.

The thing that made me a better timekeeper was having a friend who was even worse and realising that I was annoyed by her!

Re house repairs etc could you hire an electrician as a birthday present, if it's really bothering you? Though I agree just go to his house less.

YABU, but if you like projects; carry on 🤷🏾‍♀️!

YANBU to be annoyed by his chaos but YABU to think you can change it.

I know everyone loves to diagnose by internet, but he does sound so much like my son who has inattentive ADHD.

That's the forgetful, vague, easily distracted type - they lose things, they start projects but don't follow through, they struggle to stay focused, they have a hard time finishing chores and tasks and they are disorganised as all hell. DS is one of the nicest, most caring and interesting people I know but his place is a tip, he has no idea where anything is and he can't follow a list without an intervention.

He’s not going to change. Keep your own place for yourself!

I think you doing the redecorating, without him asking you is overstepping the mark. Even if you do declutter, tidy and redecorate, you can almost guarantee it will be back to square one within a month. That’s who he is. It’s never going to change.

I would suggest he get an adhd assessment. Your post is like reading a textbook description.

Then socialize at your home. If that increases your bills, he should make a contribution.