AIBU to expect my partner to keep his house more manageable?

[Swiftie1973]

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

I think it’s been mentioned but my first question was does he have ADHD?

Im agnostic on my own ADHD status - others have seen it / said it in the way I do uni work / manage tasks but some of the things I’ve taught myself eg Setting a timer to get tasks done such as cleaning up with what’s manageable that day eg it might be a 25 minute day or a 40 minute day if I’m full of beans so it doesn’t overwhelm me etc - picking one thing that day eg light bulbs for one room or purchasing them that day can help.

It could be worth trying to open up a conversation over feeling a bit overwhelmed, starting lots of projects and it getting chaotic and seeing where that leads?

I totally agree. An ambulance came once when his son dislocated his shoulder (they had special qualified people to un-dislocate it and avoid him coming to AandE) and the front door was sticking and they had to go round the back 😬

Yes, exactly. The place we are buying has plenty of land, so his office is going outside far from the house. Mine is in the house. We have it all worked out!

His ‘secret’ is an interesting choice of word. It implies he’s embaressed by it, or is he not bothered? It’s just how he is. I sense you’re more bothered by it than he is.

There is no way he would invite my family or friends there as he knows they would be shocked as it's not how any one else we know lives. So in that sense yes, he keeps it secret and is embarrassed enough about it to clear up when he has irregular visitors

I honestly wonder how many men would live like this, if they weren't living with a woman who tidies up after them. It's like they just don't see it or don't care or both. It would drive me mental, I'd have to sort it or I couldn't be there. Thank god you never merged households.

Do not mother him and do it for him that’s enabling and v un sexy

get him to getchat gdp to make a to do list of priorities and deadlines

does he have money problems? Is he tight ?

say you will see him when basic XYZ is done

It definitely sounds like he has an emotional attachment to the things and feels ashamed too. Buy a bigger home between you with a garage and shed. He sounds like a nice man, it’s not easy to unlearn a lifetime of being disorganised.

Apologies if this has already been asked, but is the house actually dirty as well as messy? ie is the bathroom/kitchen cleaned regularly, house dusted and vacuumed? or is it filthy as well? has he got progressively worse over the time you've known him? Do u think he may have hoarding tendencies?

Only asking as my exH house is actually filthy and crowded - ie in summer I can't go barefoot in the lounge as there is so much crumbs/dirt on floor as it sticks to my feet. Can't sit on couch as theres so much junk in between seat cushions and back. Can't use bathroom/toilet as they're always dirty. Cats poo/sick inside all the time and often goes unnoticed.

He's progressively got worse (been split for 9 years) and now he has 6 bedrooms and a garage full of junk. Me and his friend are trying to get help for him. DO u think your DP might be the same?

There's also the problem of infection control.

I don't think that people who live like this realise that their life may drastically change one day.

I've always hated clutter for this reason. You can't clean a room properly if it's filled with junk.
Minimalism is the way.

Sorry but I can just imagine you standing in an unlit room trying to fill a filthy plastic bowl from a dirty sink if you want to help if he's ill.

It's just extra stress.

If you care about him, you've got to try to get this across to him.

Sorry to sound all doom and gloom. I'm not saying he's thick, nor you.
I hope it doesn't come across that way.

Maybe it's one of those things you have to experience lots of times to think of.

I certainly think that going there means he has to clear up to some degree and if I never went the kitchen would be rammed. When I go the dishwasher is always on, in other words he has gathered everything in the house before I arrive in a whirlwind, bleach down the loo etc. I never arrive when I say I will as I always interrupt him cleaning! Though less in the summer as he's in the garden. I will say 7, come at 7.20 or so. I have often arrived and can hear the hoover going, I just get back in the car for 10 mins!
I do value everyone's thoughts. He definitely is hoarding, I tend to have a quick whip round of broken things every now and then (broken alarm clock, replaced smoke alarm, old router for WiFi, dead kettle in last swoop) and put them in the electrical recycling. Every couple of months I remove the bottom half of the stack of newspapers he "might read again" and put then in the recycling or a bag of containers/jars. I know some people would say I shouldn't but he never notices and it keeps things from getting totally overwhelmed.
Weirdly, he helped a relative deal with hoarding and loss of control of household cleaning this year. He talked about the relative as if it was an alien concept that someone found it got like that. In other words that he did not see his own broken and chaotic house at all as the same. (To me the relative was just one step past him. ) Just as a series of projects not finished!

I can make the place presentable in 20 mins, return tools, scissors, tape, pens, to correct place, fold and stow laundry, hang coats up, bin circulars and envelopes, empty dishwasher... You get the picture. I often do that when I arrive as he's cooking dinner as otherwise it's too chaotic for me to relax and probably sofa covered in those things. If he could grasp the concept of a 20 min daily tidy as a previous poster mentioned I think that could work, but how would he come to that decision I don't know

He is lovely.
One giant house with areas he can do what he wants with and a huge garden with my bit near the house and his beyond a fence!!

OP, it seems to me that your DP has a problem with "hoarding".

This is a Mental Health issue and is difficult to address. The sufferer needs to acknowledge it and deal with it, which I don't think is happening.

The danger is that there is the possibility of being trapped if there was a fire, but I suspect you know that already.

This lady finally asked for help - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cj3g0mxjknjo

Oh wow. It’s so dangerous, clearly a mental health issue. I watched a few of them programs but have to skip the bathroom part as it makes me feel like vomiting.
Mess and clutter is one thing, toilet caked in shit is another.
My NDN is a hoarder but he’s a tidy hoarder. Everything is stacked neatly. I’d say his bathroom is clean. He hangs his washing out, his garden is spotless etc, he just likes things stacked up.

@EmeraldShamrock000 "he just likes things stacked up".

To me that's a "collector" rather than a "hoarder", but I'm not qualified in Mental Health !

That makes sense. He is definitely a collector. He must have 400 books neatly stacked in the hallway.

It’s fine to not visit or stay there. I wouldn’t however you run the risk of him therefore spending more and more time at yours and before you know it he will have moved in by stealth. I wouldn’t however t tolerate this either so would restrict him staying at mine to max three nights a week in the hope it would give his lazy arse the kick it needs to catch a grip and sort his home out

I certainly think that going there means he has to clear up to some degree and if I never went the kitchen would be rammed. When I go the dishwasher is always on, in other words he has gathered everything in the house before I arrive in a whirlwind, bleach down the loo etc. I never arrive when I say I will as I always interrupt him cleaning! Though less in the summer as he's in the garden. I will say 7, come at 7.20 or so. I have often arrived and can hear the hoover going, I just get back in the car for 10 mins!
@Swiftie1973 Thats actually a good sign that he realizes when you're on your way that its time to clean/tidy up! in that he knows what a 'normal' house ie uncluttered house should look like. But i think you're definitely not BU to not want to stay there.

Interesting his views on his relative being a hoarder - ExDH used to harp on how lazy his mother was growing up and how messy their house was - yet his is much worse now! (I would post pics as its not as bad as the pics above in the link, but certainly getting there, but respect my DCs privacy).

Yanbu

Oink,oink
🐷👎

Do not sort out his house. It’s pointless -stone of Sisyphus, as it’ll be back to how it was in a month. Also it’ll teach him nothing, even if he wants to change.

Do not try to control how he lives. Hos house, his rules applies to men too.

Do not live with him. You aren’t suited to cohabiting with him as you have very different opinions about and needs from your homes.

@craycray431 yes and he cleans up when occasionally has family/his friends round. I will say shall we have SIL round for a BBQ in a few days time? Knowing itt will motivate him. His mum was apparently very messy, siblings are all a bit chaotic, they either inherited a gene or never learnt. But I don't think there's anyway he woukd want my friends round knowing they would be taken aback as you get no sense of it knowing him away from his home

Not the same level but my husbands level of tidiness is not the same as mine, the doing half a job would drive me insane though. Would he pay if you booked someone in to do some work around the house?
Have you had a proper heart to heart and told him it's getting too much and you want to be able to enjoy the garden in the summer months?