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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my partner to keep his house more manageable?

153 replies

Swiftie1973 · 09/08/2026 16:33

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

OP posts:
Bleachedjeans · 10/08/2026 18:24

Digging a bit deeper, does it bother you because you see it as a barrier to ever going to the next level - ie: living together?

JJWT · 10/08/2026 18:29

Swiftie1973 · 09/08/2026 16:33

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

Hold forth means DO discuss it.

Fibrous · 10/08/2026 18:29

Wherestheteenguide · 09/08/2026 16:40

He sounds like someone with inactive ADHD - the complete lack of awareness of time and of starting not completing tasks.
If this is the case it won't change but it's also not a snub to you. It'll just be the way he's wired. But I would advise against living together!

yes, this would be my assumption. He sounds like my DP. Unfortunately, I live with him! We are moving soon, to buy a place with an enormous garage and workshop away from the house so he can make his chaos andunfinished half projects in a space of his own. The house will be my domain. I realise that doesn't work for your situation.

Original poster
Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 18:29

bigfacthunter · 10/08/2026 09:21

If he does have ADHD I would say, as someone with ADHD, please don’t take any of this personally (lateness, mess, everything). He probably doesn’t know how to be any different, it’s a LOT of work to fight against your own personality all day every day! Sounds like a lovely boyfriend and you guys have a great relationship. Just don’t ever live together and keep it that way 😆

So do you not live with anyone @bigfacthunter? Have you ever? We are getting older and there are advantages (cost and social) to living together 🤔

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2026 18:32

I would not be able to visit his home. He needs a huge clear out. He may have adhd but doesn’t mean he can’t try, use a list, little bit at a time, the flat out I have adhd so cannot possibly learn is a bit of a cope out.
I’m the slowest cleaner, I stop often. I don’t put things bank after use but I’ve learned to tackle it, I use the 6 method. Put away 6 items before losing focus, and again and again, before you know it you’ll make space. I do an hour a day minimum to keep on top as much as I’d prefer not too.

Don’t do it for him. He has to
learn to throw stuff out when he cannot focus on completing it. He’s a hoarder.

Lollipop81 · 10/08/2026 18:33

Wherestheteenguide · 09/08/2026 16:40

He sounds like someone with inactive ADHD - the complete lack of awareness of time and of starting not completing tasks.
If this is the case it won't change but it's also not a snub to you. It'll just be the way he's wired. But I would advise against living together!

I thought the same.

Original poster
Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 18:33

@Ohsuchsorefeet but you are upset with the situation and that's ok? But him being upset with you being upset, is not? My DP also gets upset if I am upset wth the situation 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 18:35

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2026 18:32

I would not be able to visit his home. He needs a huge clear out. He may have adhd but doesn’t mean he can’t try, use a list, little bit at a time, the flat out I have adhd so cannot possibly learn is a bit of a cope out.
I’m the slowest cleaner, I stop often. I don’t put things bank after use but I’ve learned to tackle it, I use the 6 method. Put away 6 items before losing focus, and again and again, before you know it you’ll make space. I do an hour a day minimum to keep on top as much as I’d prefer not too.

Don’t do it for him. He has to
learn to throw stuff out when he cannot focus on completing it. He’s a hoarder.

He is in his 60s, I don't think he's about to "learn"

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 10/08/2026 18:36

Every single time, without fail, someone on here talks about their bloke, who lives in a pig sty and can be late and it must be ADHD.

Maybe he is just a lazy t**t who likes living in a pig sty and takes no pride in his house. Can we just stop making excuses for people like this.

I wouldn’t visit him or stay over, or sort his house out for him and I 100% would never live with him. He won’t change.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2026 18:39

Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 18:33

@Ohsuchsorefeet but you are upset with the situation and that's ok? But him being upset with you being upset, is not? My DP also gets upset if I am upset wth the situation 🤔

He’s automatically defensive, protective of his surroundings. How was his home life as a child? I think a lot of people believe they have adhd when they’re suffering from trauma or have never been taught.
I grew up in a home like this, that’s why I busy myself to improve it so my children have a better life.
If you want to live together would he agree to move into your home, rent his out, then he’d have to clear it out.
You would be surprised what they learn after 60.
When my mother died my father learned to do a lot of things, things he should not have done while she was alive, he was 70. That’s men.
He could be better in yours as he is probably overwhelmed by the mess.

Original poster
Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 18:39

Fibrous · 10/08/2026 18:29

yes, this would be my assumption. He sounds like my DP. Unfortunately, I live with him! We are moving soon, to buy a place with an enormous garage and workshop away from the house so he can make his chaos andunfinished half projects in a space of his own. The house will be my domain. I realise that doesn't work for your situation.

Show quote history

Yes but if we ever do live together this will also be the only way. I have imagined it, a big enough garden to separate the back half with a hedge/fence and sheds. I plan never to go past that half 🤣. A house big enough for us both to have a dedicated study. And then communal space that is not cluttered. As we have keep our own homes for these 15 years we have actually become better off financially than if we had joined forces

OP posts:
MMUmum · 10/08/2026 18:41

Swiftie1973 · 09/08/2026 16:33

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

Just don't go there anymore, get him to come to you, why should you subject yourself to his chaos. Also stop worrying about the state of his house, let him get on with it, as long as he doesn't start to impose it on your house

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2026 18:44

How is his personal hygiene? Does he wash himself and wear clean clothes or is he sloppy across the board?

CherryBlossom321 · 10/08/2026 18:44

As none of it is a dealbreaker, and you don’t share a home, I don’t think you can have any expectations of how he maintains his personal space.

TheScreen · 10/08/2026 18:50

Do not move in with him op. Your ideas of separate areas for his chaos won't stick. His chaos will spread to the rest of the garden, the rest of the house etc.

I have a parent, and an ex like this.
I do suspect both of them have undiagnosed ADHD.

But guess what, I have diagnosed ADHD but I care enough for my kids to not let them live in chaos unable to find things and stumbling over unfinished projects.

My parent like this has been sleeping in a chair for years as their bedroom (and pretty much everywhere is chaos) but I learnt a long time ago that if I swooped in and helped, the next day another project/problem would be there instead in it's place.

My ex like this has a reduced relationship with his children due to the sheer state of his home. He knows this. Yet doesn't change things. When we lived together my physical and mental health took a huge hit as I couldn't live in chaos so was always managing his. 😢 A lesson I was trained in as a child. 😔

If you are both happy to stay living together you'll be okay I think. Or living as neighbours maybe. Perhaps when you both want to downsize it could be to apartments or flats near each other rather than merging to one home.

Silverbirchleaf · 10/08/2026 18:56

I agree either way @TheScreen . You have vastly different views on housekeeping and tidiness. He won't change. You’ll either start resenting him for leaving everything in a mess, or because you’ll be doing everything (future cocklodger alert).

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 19:05

Tough one.
As you're not planning on cohabiting and are having a nice time - nothing wrong with that, better than being in a shit marriage- I'd say just have him around your place.
I'm assuming he's not tight and would buy meals etc.

But, unfortunately, time doesn't stand still.
What if he was sick and you wanted to help him?

You couldn't negotiate that in this mess.

Not saying you have to be a martyr hell no! But if he's an otherwise good man, you'll want to help.

What to do? I wish I knew.

Citronella321 · 10/08/2026 19:17

His house, his rules. Don't try to change that - you'll be on the path to burning martyrdom and resentment. See him at yours where you can insist it's your house so your rules.
Same with lateness. Wherever possible, travel somewhere separately then you don't need to be embarrassed and stressed by his time management.

It's pointless trying to change someone when they think t they're fine as they are.

Victorius19 · 10/08/2026 19:27

If he's in his 60s you're way past trying to get him to change. I adored my late Dad but he had rooms and a garage full of projects including a kit car! He started so many things, got distracted and moved onto something else.

Be wary, because one day his house could be your responsibility to empty after he passes away. I'm still clearing Dad's things from our garage 3 years after his death.

I would happily stay in a relationship but don't get involved with his shit pit. Nothing good will ever come of it.

MyDarlingRose · 10/08/2026 19:29

Hold forth makes no sense in this context. Forth means forward so you go forth (go forward) or hold back but to hold forth means to go on at people for a long time/ talk at great length.

Other than that I think it’s his house so he can keep it how he likes. Loads of my lights don’t work because I can’t for the life of me figure out how to change them/ fix it. You can refuse to visit but it’s his home.

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 19:31

A lot of people like this don't really stop to think that at some point other people may have to access the property.
District nurses, carers, medical staff etc.

Sorry to be morbid.
I remember as a trainee going around people's houses with medical staff and how difficult some houses being a mess made everything.
Better to sort it all out when physically able.

I hope this doesn't come across as judgy. It's more observation than judgement.

DraigCymraeg · 10/08/2026 19:39

Swiftie1973 · 09/08/2026 16:33

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

Is he able to afford handymen to finish the jobs (even if only the worst)?
If so I would get the names and addresses of a few and hand them over to him, explaining how sad you feel visiting when his home and garden is in such a sorry state.
Good luck.

Hayley1256 · 10/08/2026 19:46

I think I would encourage him to do a big clear out/ deep clean at the start of each season and help him plan/do this. This might help him keep in top if things.

Original poster
Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 20:28

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/08/2026 18:44

How is his personal hygiene? Does he wash himself and wear clean clothes or is he sloppy across the board?

No he's fine with that. You would never know his secret if you met him out about. He's good looking and clean and has lots of nice shirts etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Swiftie1973 · 10/08/2026 20:29

Hayley1256 · 10/08/2026 19:46

I think I would encourage him to do a big clear out/ deep clean at the start of each season and help him plan/do this. This might help him keep in top if things.

That could work. Summer is definitely garden time so spring /summer are out but the shorter days push him inside so a winter clear and paint!

OP posts: