AIBU to expect my partner to keep his house more manageable?

[Swiftie1973]

Before I start, I am not looking for opinions on whether you would have left this man - so please hold forth on that, we are not planning to split up 🙂

DP and I have been together for 15 years. We met post divorces and never opted to live together partly as we both had teens and it seemed too complex and partly as we could afford not to.

We own our own homes and live 15 mins drive apart in a medium sized town. We have similar hobbies and interests, we think similarly on politics, child rearing and money matters, so conflict in common areas of difference are not an issue. He is a kind person, calm and steady, a good and thoughtful lover and has been a real support around some family issues / bereavement and so on. I can rely on him.

On the downside, he is habitually late - this is a bone of contention but I have got used to the fact that we are the last to arrive at a theatre out of a thousand people. If you say we are leaving at 7 it will be 7.15. I am always apologising to others for us being late which is a pain. When we go on a plane, he lets me decide our departure time from home as he knows it stresses me to be running late.

The other issue is his lack of housekeeping.

So, the question is AIBU to expect him to not live in such chaos in his house?

He has a smallish house and a very large garden. The garden is total chaos because he is mid way through several projects which take months and months - giant bags of gravel, wood for unbuilt and half built pergolas, green house full of plants unplanted (same each year, spend months preparing them but then they all go in too late), even the tomatoes which are doing really well, are sitting there unpicked in the chaos. There's no where to sit and every surface is covered in crap related to one project or another as well as stuff that needs to go to the bin / recycling. When we ate outside yesterday we ate on a work bench as the table was covered.

Inside there have been no lights in the bathroom for 4 or 5 months and as 2 of his 20 somethings have been living at home as well as me visiting - that has been a pain using a re-chargeable light. Lights in the kitchen need redoing, 2 of 4 don't work at all and one has gone at the moment so a desk lamp sits next to the toaster. Ok at the moment but will be really annoying soon as evenings become darker. Things that need fixing take months to be replaced and the old one gets kept in case (like 2 lawn mowers for example)

He hasn't decorated anything since I have known him and probably only once when he bought the place so probably 25 years ago, so it all desperately needs painting. By contrast, every room in my house bar my bedroom and one bathroom have been decorated at various points since I knew him.

We could never invite my friends to his, or at least never have, I don't think they would believe the clutter and chaos. I mean, my house is busy and untidy sometimes, but this is next level.

So my options are - just stop staying over at his, just stay with him at mine - though my worry is that at least when I come round he loads the dishwasher, runs a hoover around once a month, cleans the loo, might he stop entirely if I didn't come? (apart from his siblings who are also both quite chaotic, rarely has friends round)

Or keep, saying that I find it chaotic and hard to find anywhere to sit and therefore unwelcoming (the mess not him)?

Sort it myself, book an electrician and get the lights sorted, get a paintbrush out and paint the bedroom

I would really value opinions - to be honest, I have tried all 3 of the above at various points and the situation is no better and no different. I think it makes me feel he doesn't value me as he knows I find it unbearable with that level of chaos which of course makes me feel sad and a bit worried about the security of things in the relationship.

Looking forward to reading supportive replies

If it is inattentive ADHD, it runs in the family I think. I'm currently staying with my FIL as we are between houses, and he is a carbon copy of my DP. They cannot throw anything out. So many projects on the go at once. Forever losing their keys. Always late for everything. Can't remember to put the bins out on the correct day. The one difference is my FIL is very tidy and clean! But I have since realised his entire family seem to fall on the ADHD spectrum, his mum and sister are the typical manic type. There are no ADHD traits in my family, but we are all prone to addictive and depressive tendencies instead so have to work at that. It's interesting how these things follow - a combo of nature and nurture I guess. If his relative is a hoarder, then maybe it runs in the family, and the kids might be tolerant as they have some of the same traits?

My mum, in her own words, wasted her life on a man who didn't maintain his home and never moved the relationship forwards as a result, over many decades. Bu the end he was isolated, the house was literally falling down around him, he resorted to peeing in buckets and couldn't shower as it was broken, sleeping on the sofa as he couldn't get into his bedroom due to piles of crap etc (old age overtook him before he could finish his suffocating heaps of inside and outdoor 'projects".... Be very wary of this happening, of you don't want him to end up in your space..)

Yours sounds better in other ways, but I would only stay with him if you are truly happy to live separately for ever. Even if one of you gets ill. Even if you decide to marry. He won't change!

It's exactly this.
My DP is broadly similar and I've made my peace with it. We'll just never live together and that's ok with me.

My relationship is only just coming up a year. So many excuses for why things not done. We did blitz his younger child’s bedroom last year as he kept say he needed to do it but didn’t have the time so one weekend I said let’s crack on. I don’t have the guts to suggest we do his room 😩

it’s getting to the point where I think I will be able to say something as I can say you’ve been telling me that for a year now and xyz is still there waiting for your big chick out.

last year he proudly sent me two pictures of windowsills where he’d dejunked slightly and cleaned!

I am not hopeful anything is happening soon

I voted you're being unreasonable because you've been with this guy for 15 year and he hasn't changed and you're wasting your time thinking he will.

This is who he is. He's a chaos monkey who lives in near squalor in a dilapidated house with possibly dangerous electric wiring and he'd rather buy shit that then sits around unused or adds to his next level clutter or go out to dinner than fix up his place to bare minimum standards. His constant lateness is disrespectful of other people's time.

You can do it all for him but it will just get back to what it was. He sounds like a hoarder.

The first responders having to go around back because they couldn't get in the front door, that's dangerous.

You say you're not breaking up with him, then just don't go to his hovel. Meet out or at yours.

Yes proud pictures... The implication is that applause is needed when, well, we just tidy and clean as we go no big deal.
It's been so interesting reading the comments about people who have been left to get on wth it and it just deteriorated including the link to the TV programme. That's why actually I don't agree with those saying just have him to it, as we have been together 15 years and I care what happens so keeping him slightly on his toes by going there (so he has a tidy), by taking out a pile of newspapers or a broken clock or binning an old towel, these actions keep things slightly less chaotic. No one needs 20 jars so I recycle old ones so he always has half a dozen. No one needs 20 of those plastic pint glasses you now get at festivals so I recycle the old ones so he has 4 or 5. Honestly I 100 pc knows he has never noticed as cupboards are full but without the small actions things would be way worse.
I think from reading the comments I see now he can't help it. But that doesn't mean I can't support him.

I think you sound great, he is lucky to have you.
Fifteen years!
There definitely is a Hoarder gene or whatever the expression is. Some are worse than others by a long chalk. (See A&E Hoarders on Youtube). I'm untidy - though I dislike myself for being so. Though in my defence I've moved into a one bedroom flat, from a three bedroom house!
Good luck to you both. xxx

I have a son with ADHD and after reading up a lot on it I realise I may have traits. . Like your partner I was always late but I always thought I had more time than I had (time blindness) I am much better now. My house is cluttered and disorganised and I just can’t seem to get on top of it . The kitchen and bathroom are tidy though! I am trying to do a Swedish death declutter . When I can afford it I will have a cleaner as I would love to spontaneously be able to have people over. If you saw me you would never guess as I am always clean, fresh and well dressed with nice hair so I can do it on a personal level.

This. It's his home, and he's obviously not bothered about it.

Mind you, the bathroom light thing is weird. It's a piece of piss to wire in a new ceiling rose, and if that doesn't sort it I'd be worried about the state of the electrics.

I married someone rather similar but at least he had the self-knowledge to buy a newish house!

I think I would have to sort the bathroom. I couldn't tolerate that.

DH responds well to a skip (after initial grumbling and resistance he becomes quite enthusiastic). Hippo Skips will deliver them flat packed then you book a collection when ready. You could try that. If you did it once a year, it would be like a big version of the sweep and tidy you do anyway.

You probably wouldn't want to be with someone horrible with a lovely house, would you?!

I think he's bothered as he knows to clean up for visitors. I think hearing other people comment from their own perspective has made me realise that he is stressed by it but doesn't have time (ie doesn't make time, we all have time) to contemplate and find a solution. At times he will have a 3 day sort out if the box room says but I think mostly that involves filling boxes and putting them in the loft. His kids can deal wth that one day!!!
And who wants no lights in the bathroom, so inconvenient and time consuming faffing around the problem! I am going to buy a replacement light at B and Q and leave it there, step one

He's such a good partner. I just look at all the threads on here of bullies and mean men and I would never wish to be in a relationship wth one. So yes, lucky in many ways, this thread has definitely given me insight, thank you

I think some of the DIY chains will install, for a fee? Homebase used to.

Tell him it's an early Christmas present.

I read recently that messiness is a choice. You can choose to wash up, put clothes away, cut the grass, but he chooses not to.

You say he ‘doesn’t have time’. He does have time, but chooses not to allocate time to tidying etc. He could have an evening away from his hobby, and tidy his kitchen, or not watch Eastenders, and tidy a drawer etc.

I couldn't agree more @Silverbirchleaf he has plenty of time, it's just not allocated to certain things. I think though I am really realising that it's not a comfortable existence. He wastes alot of money through not getting round to checking insurances or tariffs, even left mortgage on their daft rate through lack of "time" to look at it. I mean I hate doing my tax return and horrible admin but I hate more being fleeced by companies. He spent weeks fixing up an old BBQ (anti rust paint and god knows what purchased to fix it) that you could have bought at b and q for 25 quid in the sale, it makes no financial sense. I never let my parents say in his ear shot that they need to get rid of anything as he would always say yes to it. I much prefer to get it on Facebook to give it away before it becomes the next project!
I am a great one for finding things free or second hand, but if I acquire a better table I give away the old one, he keeps it just in case/for spares etc. sigh

“… I am really realising that it's not a comfortable existence. ”

Although for him it is.

No I think it's stressful not easy for him, there's no joy in the chaos. He might not see it all the time. Can't find things, let's admin build up till it's really daunting, trips over stuff, loses things he owns and has to buy them again (more fruitless journeys), panic tidying for visitors. I don't think he enjoys any of that.

You understand him very well. That’s really lovely. I usually hate the ADHD echo on mumsnet, I think he’d benefit from an assessment.
My mother had this problem it caused her a lot of stress, sad that many people spend their life feeling inadequate.
Is he financially stable? Would he pay for an industrial clear out while he’s on a nice holiday.

I have in the past and wouldn’t again if I’m honest but obviously I can’t comment on your dynamic! In my situation it just crushed my self esteem to share a space with someone I stressed out so much. And frustratingly for everyone, the more anxious I became about my shortcomings the worse they were. My house is actually now in okay order but it’s because I live alone, it’s my sanctuary and I am free from guilt and anxiety !

Pp saying people may ‘not have learnt’ makes me scratch my head. It isn’t difficult to put something back where it belongs and not start yet another project before finishing the first one. It isn’t hard to call a sparky, which frankly I would do on his behalf, it’s ridiculous to have a desk lamp rather than call a guy round. What strikes me here is what the dc think. You said 2 of them are in their 20s, have they never called in a workman, who then invoices their dad?

I don’t think you should do it for him, but I think I’d tell (ask?) him that you’re going to clear the greenhouse/lounge etc. Alternatively, tell him you’re inviting mates round!

Yes @Cherrysoup I think inviting mates round is the best answer! He doesn't consider he has a diagnosable problem so no way would he have an ADHD assessment, anyway, what would be the point, he could google ideas if he wanted to, or watch sort your life out on the TV! I mentioned before a relative he helped who had let chaos and hoarding get out of control. He was totally blind to the similarities, it was extraordinary, almost a joke that with incredulity he described a situation of multiple non working TVs in a spare bedroom, cardboard packaging piled up, too many cups to fit in the cupboard (single person, no visitors). At first I thought he was making a joke about the similarities, till I realised he wasn't!!!!

Is he financially stable? Would he pay for an industrial clear out while he’s on a nice holiday.
No @EmeraldShamrock000 he definitely wouldn't trust anyone. And no his offspring have just tolerated it without doing anything and I have stayed out of it.
I think I will pop to b and q and pick up a bathroom light as a starting point.

I think I will pop to b and q and pick up a bathroom light as a starting point.

Will he install it? You say he's got shit all over the garden from undone projects. If he doesn't, will you call the electrician?

There’s another thread running whereby a sister decorated a lounge when are the op( the homeowner) was away without her knowledge. The general consensus is that dsis was out of order.

isn’t that similar here, in that by doing things without discussing it first, you’ve overstepping the mark, even though you trying to be helpful?

Also, you’ve been together 15 years. What’s changed for you to be more concerned now? Has the ‘moving into together ’ discussions started?