Feeling very sorry for myself after being cancelled on

[Su1345]

I’m late 30s, single parent to one dd age 4. I started talking with someone I knew from university, a few months ago. Long story short, we were due to meet today at 11am for a coffee and brunch and he messaged at 10:24 to say he couldn’t make it as he slept outside last night after a party.

Im not so much emotionally hurt as I am just feeling a bit of, i don’t know, sadness? My lovely little girl is with her dad today and he took her out early so I could have time to get ready. It wasn’t an official date but obviously having not met a man one to one like this for years I was reasonably nervous and I took my time getting ready and choosing what to wear. We’ve also had lots of flirty messages and so on. I was on the way when I got the message.

More than anything I just feel a bit shit about the fact I’m almost 40, single and all dressed up with literally no place to go. So I’m sitting in the car for a moment where I’ve pulled over to write this. I can’t work out my feelings, just feel mostly really stupid and my child free time is so precious and I’ve let him his man do this to me.

Sorry but he slept outside after a party and he's almost 40? Is this really a guy you want to be in touch with anyway?

Of course you're disappointed op. Being on your own with a little one is fine, but being fancied and feeling like the person you were/are besides a 'mum' is uplifting.
I get it completely.
You feel what you feel.
I'm glad that you felt like you again in getting ready and looking nice.
Single 50's here and for a very long time.

One good thing that has come out of this is for the first time I think since having DD I have done my make up and outfit and feel like I look nice. Older, but more like I used to feel when I used to date. I feel quite happy about this so the make up routine investment has at least given me some of my old confidence back!

There you go - there's your positive! Your finding your way back to your old self again. It's good to do that.
You don't need the man-sleeping-outside in your life. He's shown himself up to be a flaky mess of a man - the type who lets you down again and again. No second chances.

From friends experience there are a lot of men like this..chat all week, maybe work away from home…in relationships that mean they are never free for these dates they make. You’ve definitely been saved a lot of grief. Ask pals to fill your phone with messages for a few days

You deserve better OP 💐

You sound great and investing in yourself is never a waste of time.

You dodged a 39 year old loser, who was obviously off his face and collapsed drunk outside?

What a waster and bullet dodged.

I know this isn't helpful
But I don't understand
Someone who is settled,has a home ,a job ,a child ,a car .
A life of her own .. ..and a nice involved co parent
Your own life ,your not putting up with anyone elses shit moods ,or financial incompetence,or cleaning up or cooking for anyone..
I just don't understand why anyone would actively seek this life out
When you already have the most perfect life ..

Anyway..as others said ..you dodged a bullet,your worth more than this ..
Never ever settle x

Ugh! While it never feels good to be cancelled on, in this case, the trash took itself out.

Wanting to find someone? Not unreasonable at all. But please, reflect on what clues you missed that this guy is an immature twat and not at all worthy of your time. He's so far below the bar it's not funny.

Edited after reading the rest of your posts.

I'm glad you're feeling better and have had a nice day. Maybe from now on, any time your DD is with her dad, get a little bit dressed up, put on makeup and take yourself out for some sort of treat. You don't need to be with someone else to look after yourself in the way that you deserve.

I think it’s quite common to be let down when someone connects with an old school or Uni friend, even platonic friends. You knew each other once, but you don’t know the person now.
This guy is pushing 40 and slept outside and told you. He’s the only one who has missed here. At least you know today. He could have put on a charm offensive and then shown this side.
As I read your words though I realised the most important thing about the day is you have made some time for yourself and got dressed up and felt fabulous. You need to do that more and for your own benefit.
Whilst this man is not a keeper - he isn’t even in any category now than arsehole - but you can have that nice feeling of talking to someone again.
Maybe in time it would be better to meet someone closer to home, or at least let them come to you if you not from your area.
What an idiot, though. It seems to be such an accepted part of life now this poor behaviour.

Absolutely this

"thanks for not wasting my time any further. I felt a bit silly getting dressed up and looking lovely, for a man who stood me up when I was already on the way, but then I realised I'm not the one with the problem. I look and feel great and have a nice life, whereas you're a loser who either really does have a massive problem with alcohol, or thinks it's okay to lie and treat other humans like shit. Either way, it's you that should feel bad, not me."

What a dick. Block and delete.

I had a good thing going in my mid-30s. Great job, just bought a flat in London, son was growing up beautifully. But (divorced) I just could not settle as I had been single for ages. I then spent about 5 years letting men treat me absolutely terribly as I had no idea what to expect from a relationship as I'd only really had one with my son's father, and that was when I was in my early 20s.

I REALLY wish I'd left men alone and not bothered! One trashed my lovely flat, one tried to borrow the work bonus I'd received that year, and all treated me like crap.

But being honest, were you expecting a lot more than was on the table? And did he somehow get wind of that so made a crap excuse?

Please don't message again. If he was as invested as you, he would have stayed sober, left early and made an effort to make today a nice day. He clearly didn't give that a second thought so I would block and delete.

LOL, he still thinks he is at Uni, even then most people would have dragged themselves back to the halls. Sounds like a catch, you need to chase this one down! Dad sounds thoughtful, taking daughter early so you could go on a date is probably something many ex"s wouldn"t do, many might turn up late just to sabotage?

Its very disappointing after getting dressed up plus your free time is extra precious as a parent. This would be irritating at the least.

I was going to say op has no idea of the truth he can say anything he likes.

Perhaps he changed his mind about the whole thing and he didn’t sleep outside, it was an excuse

How do you know?

No, but you changed your daughter’s usual schedule, went to extra trouble with your appearance and outfit, and were driving three quarters of an hour to meet him! That’s a lot of investment for a coffee with an old university friend that wasn’t a ‘date’ as such. The fact that he was so casual about cancelling last-minute, and didn’t even bother inventing a family emergency suggests to me he had no idea it was a semi-date.

Oh leave off will you ffs. OP's DD is with her father today, hardly a big deal. Mumsnet really should do something about this level of nit picking on threads these days. Every single thread now gets derailed by stupid nonsense.

Stop trying to kick the OP. People like you on here make Mumsnet a miserable place to be at times.

OP, you had a lucky escape. Who needs a loser who gets so drunk they fall asleep outside and then thinks it’s something to tell others about. Cringey and embarrassing for him.

It’s not in the least ‘stupid nonsense’. The OP sounds very vulnerable. She built this ‘not a date’ up into something it doesn’t seem to have been for Mr Sleep Out Last Minute Cancellation. If, as she suggests, she’s contemplating starting to date again after years of being single, I think she needs to be more self-protective. None of that makes his thoughtlessness OK, but online dating can be a tough world.

Just stop will you? You are making up absolute nonsense. OP doesn't sound vulnerable at all.

No one is kicking her. The only behaviour she can control here, as ever, is her own. And in future that shouldn’t involve chatting to someone for months and going to significant trouble/driving a long way for someone whose thoughtless, juvenile behaviour shows he’s totally uninvested.

She sounds very vulnerable. And continuing to point out how ghastly her old friend is isn’t going to help her. Absolutely he’s ghastly. But she knows that.