AIBU to worry about a growing political divide in marriage?

[Whatsahappening]

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Is there anyone else dealing with real political divide in their marriage?
I don’t want to go into all the back story but I have a husband who seems so fixated on migrants and drifting into right wing political views that I couldn’t be any further from.

I’m not a complete lefty but I focus solely on the things that matter more so (I feel) what is impacting women’s rights, my children’s upbringing and I am a huge empath and have really struggled with the current world events such as the genocide(s) happening within the world and genuinely fall to bits about it but the only passion I see from my husband is how enraged he gets around the ’impact’ the migrants have coming in this country - Which my view as a woman, is we have a far bigger problems within our own societies, within our own men/people in this country committing horrendous crimes, especially against women and children, yet not a smidge I hear around this!
There’s so much I could share on the matter but I fear it could be counterproductive.

I genuinely love my husband and we have had battle after battle recently.. I am insisting on couples therapy as we are arguing about this stuff in front of our children but I really need help from those going / been through this and can help with a resolution?

I know he has his own mind and should steer how he chooses but I need to figure a way that I won’t put so much emotion into this, that it could really pull on my marriage.

Thanks!

It’s really obvious what you need to do OP but also clear you aren’t willing to do it.

You need to need learn to be genuinely interested in your H’s position. And be open to having your mind changed.

But it’s clear your psychology is far from
this. You introduce provocative and offensive views yet are angry when people disagree.

You accuse those who disagree of wanting children to die, but praise those who agree of kissing you on the forehead.

You state you won’t change your mind as you have strong feelings, showing you confuse strength of feelings, not strength of evidence, with being correct. See also your ‘I’m an empath’ comment as if being empathetic means you are right.

You have made statements demonstrating that you think that disagreeing with you is evidence of their lack of empathy. That’s extraordinarily arrogant.

In short, you need to be more humble, more open and more tolerant. Bluntly, more genuinely curious.

I think it is important to recognise that you have a fixed position. So does your husband! My approach is always to assume that I can be wrong and give someone an opportunity to change my mind with facts. So I disengage emotionally and say "ok, I see your position. Can you substantiate your claims?" If the person is willing to engage in a sensible discussion and operate with indisputable facts (i.e. statistics, not the daily mail claims) then I am more than willing to change my mind.
But there were some wild claims that my ex made (for example, he said that 100% of crimes committed in Sweden are by muslims) which you don't even know where to begin unpicking. So it's best not to.

If I was dealing with a right wing anti immigration racist (and I know these things exist separately I literally mean dealing with an extreme right wing view around the topic) then I'd leave. I couldn't live with that view or expose my children to it.

You… Are a clear rage bater.
I’m not entertaining you and it’s clear.

Ive shown many ways I’m coming together with my husband, you are choosing to ignore but then again wouldn’t be fun for you would it to acknowledge that :)

Gotta love the way you're thanking, and fawning over people who support your points, and telling them how 'right' they are, and going absolutely ballistic at anyone who doesn't support you, telling them how 'wrong' they are and insulting them and yelling at them!

The left - and their voice of reason. 😆 They never fail to disappoint!

Agree totally and it really is working to kind of pull myself out emotionally and I do see some of the points, it’s more the focus around it above everything else but it’s totally workable and I’ve had some real good advise to
navigate it - Thank you

You guys are actually laughable.. These people DON’T all share my views. They are providing genuine routes to my initial ask.

You people are judgemental and provide views based on pure scolding and judgement… I find it refreshing when I see someone articulate and genuinely looking at ways to navigate. You are just looking for a rise and continue to do so.

For starters, it might be useful not to throw around cookie-cutter labels at all. Which include "lefties", "snowflakes" and such. It's really not much better than calling people racist when they have concerns.
But I would also challenge the assumption that people arriving have "zero in common" with us. They experience grief in the same way, they love and laugh in the same way, they have the same appreciation for art and music as us. They have the same desire for safety, education, financial prosperity, good health. So we do, actually, have quite a lot in common.
Does it mean we should indiscriminately let everyone in? Of course not. But that's where debate becomes very nuanced and, unfortunately, a lot of people seem more comfortable in their extreme positions.

@Butchyrestingface

What on earth about my post makes me sound 'awful'?

if this is how you engage with someone who isn't a nodding dog to everything you say, I can see why you are having marital issues now.

This. ^

Read on friend.
There was an explanation that followed.

Still not a pleasant initial message.

This is not true. Can you provide your source?
Also FGS if you’re talking just about people who are actually granted asylum, what about those who are in the country as claimants, waiting to be processed? There’s no way half of them are women.

I don't think I could live with an extreme left or right winger.

To be fair, the far left are too.

Totally agree, I have friends who have made Gaza their whole personality and it’s actually more than cringe, it’s disturbing. I’ve massively stepped back and no longer engage with them. The OP’s “falling to bits” reminded me of these former friends of mine. Insufferable.

"If the right are genuinely angry about a threats to women, for example, why do they not protest against the white men who commit domestic violence, sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc?"

Because Gary, who beats his wife in Brentwood, is not a creation of political decisions. He is the problem of his wife and his wife's family. He poses no wider danger to women and girls. He is also here organically. He is a homegrown problem.

The Eritrean, placed into your rural community by the Home Office, who rapes a 15 year old in the park after a string of other offences like harassment and following young girls, is the result of political decisions. He didn't need to be here. He has been allowed to be here by politicians. Every single murder, rape and assault conducted by migrants is, at root, the fault of the government. It is a political problem.

If you can't see why this makes people angry and turn to political parties who might solve this then I think you have a reasoning problem. I cannot ask Nigel Farage to deal with Gary in Brentwood. Nor is it top of my priority list. But the endless, shiftless young men with questionable views of women being dumped into our towns and cities are a danger to me and my children and every other woman.

And back to the OP - you say you don't live in London so the plight of my friend, trapped in a hostile third world community where she can't leave her house without trepidation, doesn't worry you. And yet you say you are an "empath". I seriously think you need to examine your worldview and listen a bit more to your husband.

Oh maaan 🤣🤣🤣

How ‘cringe’ it is to feel such severe sadness over the unjustified killings of civilians involved in genocidal conflicts.

What’s cringe, is you put it down to a conversation archetype and minimise it to the nth degree.

Insufferable, yes… yes you are.

It is. Both sides are problematic.

Historically, both sides have committed horrific atrocities in their aims to further their agenda but modern day political violence is heavily carried out by far right groups. Not all. But most.

AdviCe is a noun in that context. You have repeatedly spelt it as advise, which is the verb.

Sorry? When was domestic violence listed to an isolated incident between just his wife and kids… What an absurd take!!

These men are perfectly capable of more heinous crimes outside of ‘his’ home.

Bladdy hell. You’ve take one example and minimised the shit out of it… Let’s just forget the men that follow women, hide and attack, sexually assault and murder women, kids etc…

Don’t worry Janet, we’ll just let the white man live in his own home and do as he pleases.

Euurrrrrgggggh - Bore off.

Gladly, given that you seem to enjoy an argument. You came on here for advice on how to deal with your political differences from your husband. Well, from your subsequent posts, maybe try the opposite to what you've been doing here and actually listen.

OP you’re really showing yourself up on this thread sorry.

I think this response demonstrates your lack of reasoning. Domestic violence is not a political problem. It is not a creation of political decisions. Boris Johnson has not caused Gary in Brentwood to abuse his wife. It happens organically. You can propose longer sentences, more support for victims etc. But there is no political solution to stop it happening in the first place.

Yet Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer et al HAS caused countless women and girls to be subject to rape and assault by migrants via his political decisions. As I said before EVERY crime committed by migrants is a DIRECT result of political decisions.

I think you just jumped the shark.

I gave you helpful advice. Bluntly put, but helpful.

You say you are not entertaining me but you keep replying, so you are. It’s odd you can’t see this.

Someone who spouts the genocide blood libel in their opening post is not someone with any high ground to accuse others of being rage baiters.

The lies you are part of spreading about Israel being child killers ( an accusation not thrown at other armies) and committing genocide have directly led to the murders of Jews across the world. You have no moral high ground at all. You are part of the latest iteration of Jew hated. You are not an empath. You are a crowd follower doing tremendous harm.