AIBU to worry about a growing political divide in marriage?

[Whatsahappening]

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Is there anyone else dealing with real political divide in their marriage?
I don’t want to go into all the back story but I have a husband who seems so fixated on migrants and drifting into right wing political views that I couldn’t be any further from.

I’m not a complete lefty but I focus solely on the things that matter more so (I feel) what is impacting women’s rights, my children’s upbringing and I am a huge empath and have really struggled with the current world events such as the genocide(s) happening within the world and genuinely fall to bits about it but the only passion I see from my husband is how enraged he gets around the ’impact’ the migrants have coming in this country - Which my view as a woman, is we have a far bigger problems within our own societies, within our own men/people in this country committing horrendous crimes, especially against women and children, yet not a smidge I hear around this!
There’s so much I could share on the matter but I fear it could be counterproductive.

I genuinely love my husband and we have had battle after battle recently.. I am insisting on couples therapy as we are arguing about this stuff in front of our children but I really need help from those going / been through this and can help with a resolution?

I know he has his own mind and should steer how he chooses but I need to figure a way that I won’t put so much emotion into this, that it could really pull on my marriage.

Thanks!

One final point. The Left are keen on saying ‘ ‘ ‘the fascists don’t come wearing Jack boots’

But that doesn’t tell you want they do come with. They do come with distortions of reality, misrepresentations, and manipulations. The best lies have some base in reality, but with distortions so people believe things that are not true. In particular they come with emotional manipulations. This is why being empathetic does not make one immune to ‘fascist’ ( or any ideological) manipulation, it makes you more vulnerable.

The mistake the left makes is thinking their empathy and caring means they are right. In fact, it makes them vulnerable to emotional manipulation.

What really protects against ‘the fascists’ ( or any emotional manipulation) is curiousity Real curiousity. Where you are genuinely interested in what ‘both’sides say. Genuinely open to changing your mind. I spent a long time listening to ‘both sides’ in the ME debate. I listened to a lot of debates with both sides represented before forming my position. I still do checks periodically and seek out views of the ‘other side’. You have to stay curious to stay grounded. It’s the only real way to avoid being sucked in by ‘the fascists’ or any sort of extremism or manipulation. Especially if you are an empath. Our emotions are the easiest thing to manipulate and our ‘reason’ will seek to fit that emotion. We have to guard against this by cultivating genuine curiousity.

Spelling, not grammar.

Sorry, I’m just such a massive pedant I just can’t let these things slide.

What on earth about my post makes me sound 'awful'?

if this is how you engage with someone who isn't a nodding dog to everything you say, I can see why you are having marital issues now.

I haven't said a word about my views on Israel yet. As it happens, I believe Israel is committing genocide in Gaza. So how you can state such nonsense that nothing I 'present to you' would change your views on Israel is beyond me. I wouldn't even try. I agree with you on that point.

I'm glad you found something in my response that was helpful.

I really do understand where you are coming from. Be kind to yourself and your husband :)

Could you expand on what data you are talking about that doesn't support people's claims? And what are the crimes committed by white Christians of which you speak? And what do you mean by "Islamophobe" (I thought this was a recently made up word like trans phobe)?

I can help you with the protesting bit - who would they protest against? English violent men aren't going to change their behaviour in response to a protest. The protests against illegal immigrants being dropped into communities is because they want the government to deter these people coming as many other countries do instead of welcoming them so hoping to change government behaviour. And any crimes committed including rape and murder by these men didn't need to happen and are the government's fault. Hth.

I could handle some political disconnect (if I was Labour and my husband was conservative).

I would struggle if he were a reform voter. I would leave if he were a restore voter or Trump supporter. That is a moral disconnect for me, not a political one.

@Busylizzy87 This is exactly my argument.
We simply fear walking alone in general… I don’t fear a certain type of ‘man’, unfortunately we are at a point we have to worry generally.

So focusing on a demographic just isn’t something I reactively do.

Okay, prove me wrong by comparing to other similar dense urban conflicts.

And by the way, the death rate would be far lower if Hamas had sheltered its own civilians. Israelis gave warnings of their attacks in Gaza ( unlike Hamas with the tens of thousands of rockets it launched into Israel since Oct 7th). Blaming an army that warns of attacks, for resulting deaths when the Hamas government is not protecting civilians in its extensive tunnel network is grotesque. Especially when Hamas started the war and held Israeli citizens.

Actually make your case instead of saying nothing as you have in this post.

Thank you - Move on.

You are lucky then right? Can't you think of his opposing political views as a challenge? End enjoy having debates with him??

☆and

We are lucky to live in a country where we can form and express our opinions. Can you rise above your husband's opinions (and he yours) especially in front of the children?

I'm not sure how you think counselling can help you, unless it is with the aim of being more tolerant - both of you.

Just realised I assumed you were another commenter that has been continuously goading around Israel/Gaza.

So I apologies for thinking you were (blackonblue - I thiiiiink) but still your comment wasn’t pleasant or constructive.

No rape ever needs to happen. It is completely indefensible and completely the fault of the rapist.

I'm actually talking about the majority of data shared in the media, including social media.

Every journalist, content creator, and politician is serving their own agenda. Without exception. On the left, and on the right.

So, they take data out of context, both quantitative and qualitative. They do this to support their agenda and to present the values they are supporting as fact.

Often, if you dig into any narrative, you can find that the originally presented data is very skewed. Add to that poor data collection and analysis methods and general inaccuracies and very little of what you are told can be accepted at face value.

Migration stats, financial costs, crime stats, unemployment stats, etc are all subject to manipulation by removing the contextual data that gives the whole picture.

Politicians want power. Journalists and content creators want to make money. None of them are interested in giving you a full picture.

So anyone - right or left - who sees a headline or stat in a news article or in a speech and takes it as truth needs to do some self-reflection.

As for the protests, protest for harsher sentences. Protests for better funding for rehabilitation. Protest for better education. Protest for more street lighting. Protest for better mental health care for victims. Protest for more green spaces.

There are tons of things to protest for that would help reshape the behaviours of people born in the UK. And it would have a greater impact than reducing migration because it would touch more people's lives.

For communication techniques only and how we can go into these discussions with an open mind and less worked up.
Not to side on political stance as that would never happen or be entertained.

My husband loves me to death but he’s said many times over the years he thinks it would be the death of our relationship if I started expressing extreme right wing views. We agree on both things - both left wing although he leans a lot further than I do. But he’s always said if you changed your political opinion you’ve changed who you are.

It’s a challenge when it gets heated.
Yes, I’m lucky but also not well versed in dealing with this certain type of tension.

It does outway his stance but I typed this up when I was in the heat of frustration and somewhat regret getting into the depths of MN. 🤣

Great example of how strongly people can start to feel… It’s not one sided, he can eventually turn to me and say, I can’t with your stance anymore.

Would not want it getting to that.

I've something similar in my relationship and I've taken a similar route to @boblady in that we just don't talk about things that we know the other one has an opposing view on. Sometimes we make it into a joke, like "well I know you're an Hamas supporter so you'll ...." but make it clear that we're not serious. It seems to be working for us, primarily because neither of us is trying to "convert" the other to our view of the world. If one of us does veer into that territory, the other one usually says something like, "okay. So what shall we have for dinner?" Or something to indicate that the topic is a dead end. We never sat down to "discuss" this. It's just that we're acknowledging that we have different points of view. And actually, it's evolved in that at times I can see and appreciate where he's coming from and it seems at times he's sympathetic to things that concern me too. So my advice to you would be to just acknowledge this is where he is at right now (and that he may not always remain stuck there), but to make it a sort of no-go area for serious discussion between you. That doesn't mean that you stop informing yourself about world events, but that you stop trying to change the way he's viewing the world. Make jokes about the gap between the two of you if you can and then do something nice with each other to show that it's not the end-all and be-all of your relationship. Good luck.

DH and I share a left of centre view and I couldn’t be with someone far right. I have friends and acquaintances who are right wing but I wouldn’t say far right. I avoid talking politics with them since it could cause upset. But it’s hard to avoid if it’s your partner. Honestly if DH suddenly got brainwashed and went far right I’d probably want to split.

Exactly the same. My husband and I are both centralists, slightly to the left although I have voted conservative at times, as has my husband. I appreciate many points raised by the right, and do agree with several, but I find the far right heinous.

Thank you ☺️
There’s another commenter who takes this approach and it seems to be the way they make light of something otherwise quite stressful!

It’s a great method that I’m going to try!

Luckily not far right quite yet and my wording on this was likely poor but now I’m starting to realise there’s a veer and we can definitely keep it central if we discuss in a healthier way!

I agree with this to an extent. But believe it cuts both ways. Just as 'the left' may be vulnerable to 'be kind' manipulation, so 'the right' are vulnerable to seeing demons round every corner.
If the left make errors of judgement in their desire to protect who they percieve to be vulnerable, so the right do in thinking they have to wade into battle to protect themselves from percieved threats.
I've said this before, the counterpoint to any extreme view is not an equally extreme opposing one. Its a moderate balanced position arrived at from 360 research, as you say.
Unfortunately with this specific issue, those of us who have arrived at our position, if that is a moderate one, are continually bombarded by the extreme anti immigration cohort who refuse to accept our right to not obsess about it or see it as the only issue.
We have heard them. On repeat. The same old, same old. Despite their claims to the contrary, they are the least 'silenced' pressure group. They literally never stop, and its their behaviour not necessarily their opinions that drive a wedge in relationships.