Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

Yes! I’d send a message in the chat OP I wouldn’t be able to resist, you’re doing so well holding on until he’s back.

🩷

What time are his friends back today? Are they all back in the afternoon? So sorry you're going through this.

This is an absolute shocker OP what a pair of twats I hate your partners cheating behaviour 😥

I think she is definitely driving this and the vibe I get is he is trying to be less flirty back than he was.

He MIGHT be wishing he’d told her to back off sooner. He MIGHT be worrying if he does she will get angry. Or he might be loving it.

I am not convinced anything physical has happened yet. I wonder if the messages will stop once he is home … is he messaging you at all @Helhel8 or saying he misses you or anything?

When he gets back, I’d really want to almost say this in a ‘by the way, your chat with X popped up on the iPad and I’m interested to hear your side, because right now this doesn’t make you look good’.

I would be struggling to keep quiet, I know that.

Op i don't know your coping with this, its sickening,

When is he due home!

I personally would of packed all his belongings ready for his return, printed of the screen shots and handed them to him no words needed, leave him standing there, while you/ me
Got in my car drove around to ow house and handed same screen shots to her and husband, then up load to group chat letting them know your marriage is over,

I think she's the driving force in this too but he's engaging with it. He should have shut the conversation down a very long time ago. I think he's enjoying the attention and it's entirely possible she's unhappy in her relationship. Women tend to engage in this type of stuff because they are unhappy; men because they are getting an ego boost and are flattered.

It doesn't mean they are having a full blown affair. It doesn't mean he wants a full blown affair.

Take screenshots. Confront him once he's home.

I can’t believe the amount of people still blaming the woman! Your DH is engaging FFS. It’s inappropriate and doesn’t matter if it’s ’just texting’.

People have said it looks like she instigates it which it does by reading the examples OP has posted no one however has excused the husbands part in it

Doesn’t matter if she instigates it or not, the man should not be responding or shutting it down.

Yes I know that, thats literally what I just said....

He returned at lunch and I raised this with him. Probably easier for me to bullet point:

-He was calm, said he is relieved he can finally talk to me about this now as he has been struggling with it. He didn’t know how to raise with me before.

-She only messages him inappropriately when she knows he has been drinking, he says he wishes he shut it down but was trying to gently.

-Reporting her at work is out of the question, she is senior and it could hurt his career prospects.

-He isn’t attracted to her at all, says she is a desperate middle aged woman who he knows is unhappy in her marriage.

-He says maybe he was a bit flattered and thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there.

I don’t know how to feel, I am satisfied nothing physical has happened but I don’t know why he just didn’t shut things down.

Because he fancies her and enjoys the attention, OP, he hats why he didn’t shut it down. He isn’t glad you know at all, he’s been caught and is making excuses. He may not have cheated but he’s sailing very close to the wind.

The formatting went all weird. Nevermind.

Yeah yeah yeah it's all her being desperate right? Pull the other one it's got bells on.

I’d be telling him that I want some space to consider things and that there won’t be a sex life to spice up for the foreseeable future.
He took a risk on your relationship for a “desperate middle aged woman”. Just to have his ego stroked. I doubt I could come back from this.

That last point, jeez talk about tone deaf

Not only did he not shut it down, he actively engaged with it.

says she is a desperate middle aged woman

Wow...what a charmer. At least you know where your relationship is heading.

thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there.

Whose interest? Yours or his? My fanny would be clamped shut after reading the lady spray comments.

So many questions...
How does she know he's drinking unless he tells her? In which case, why not stop sharing his plans. Why not stop sharing the details of his life full stop?
He can shut it down quite easily by stopping replying to her. Or unfriending her on FB. Problem solved.
If reporting a senior person for sexual harassment hurts his career prospects, this won't be the organisation I'd be willing to build my career in anyway. And if that's more important to him than you relationship... Well, how does he see this situation progressing? Continuing to engage with her to boost his career and for you to shut up and put up?

He didnt need to until now,
you have found out, what a weak man, blaiming the ow
And wow!! Using the ' let's spice things up' omg so now its all your fault, am fuming for you now op,

• He says he is some kind of victim in all of this
• He says she is desperate and older
• He says she is taking advantage and using seniority against him
• He says he doesn't want to engage despite happily doing so
• He says it could somehow improve your sex life "to keep the interest there". Please think about this specific wording. It is a very sweetly veiled threat.

He is for the bin. Granted it's smarter than trying to lie but it's still a get out of it attempt. Don't let him fog your brain with this crap. If you feel like you can, talk to her. See the other side.

thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there.

He's basically blaming you for being boring, so he's not able to shut down sexting with another woman, who he's also disparaging. What a bastard, basically.

And you actually believe all this OP?

He says maybe he was a bit flattered and thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there.

So it's all your fault now? And you're the one who has to change to keep him happy and not run off and sleep with her, and now you have that not so subtle threat hanging over you, because he's the victim.

Cry me a river.

Predictable response from him. Hats off for it being so original 🙄.

Spice things up a bit?

What's he suggesting, buying you one of those sex chairs?