Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

Men, who are in a relationship and respected their partner, would absolutely not respond with all manner of filth. Your DP made the choice to engage with this woman and chose the wording in his replies. He is a grown man. In a relationship with you. He is at fault. He does not respect you. He’s vile. You deserve better.

Not a nice read? Christ. Find your anger. He’s trampling all over you with excuse after pathetic excuse.

. My married brother once replied to an enthusiastic coworker with "whoops, I think you sent this to the wrong person! 😂"

@BeachHairForLife i love your brother!
What a perfect response ,firmly shutting it down without causing conflict .

We're a big loud family - he's had a lot of practice!

OP, don’t listen to his lies. It’s clear from the later text exchanges that they know each other intimately. They have been together, he’s covering his tracks now. It’s time to go.

Surely you can see that his reasons and excuses are dripping with misogyny, and making himself the victim. I actually think if he had owned up to a physical affair, then that would be easier than that load of absolute sludge that he spouted at you. What an absolute and complete melt.

He's taking you for a fool, if he wanted to shut it down he wouldn't of been complimenting her arse and calling it "cracking"

Either he is being sexually harrassed at work by a senior manager in which case he may well be due a significant financial payout or he's a lying scumbag with zero respect for you.
Unlikely to be a middle ground here from what you've posted.

Glad you brought it up? Why did he not bring it up? Dh “ something weird is happening at work” …. Honest conversation. Not reply? Or jokingly encourage her. Just because she is older doesn’t mean she is unattractive. I wouldn’t trust him op sorry.

I'm still gagging at lady spray.

He continued to respond in kind - it'd be hard to claim sexual harassment, unless there's some universe in which he's so terrified of this woman that he felt forced to provide her with a free sexting service 🤨

From the first chat OP shared:
Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days

He could have gone from here to packing equipment for camping holidays, taking a big shopping trip or even kipping in the car to save overnight hotel fees. Instead he was on to ladyspray in just two sentences!

Bullshit many men would reply the same way. Tell him he’s not off the hook, not a nice read is not how you’d describe it, and say coldly it’s good to know you’d be so understanding if I were in this position and thought I had to keep it from you while making sexual replies to a senior man.

I would make it VERY clear that the moment he logs out of this on the iPad, you will be seeing a solicitor. You should have access to his phone any time you like as well.

You deserve so much better. 😕

Erm, his response is bs. "Ive wanted to bring this up" what his engaging with another woman in a sexual way. When my husband was engaging with another woman at work as he felt he could not be rude. She kept asking him out for coffee and dates out for dinner. Mt husband was also at fault because he just needed to put that woman in her lane and say, i am married and i am not interested
I called the OWs husband at work and told him. I also told his receptionist at work when she asked what the call was about, she still put me thru. Stopped after that.

Do you believe him?

If he had genuinely apologised for his behaviour and was concerned about your feelings, there might be a tiny possibility of exploring why he's doing this. He's still doing this, he hasn't sent a shut down message and told her you know. However instead of being concerned about how you feel he's basically told you you're not exciting enough.

Has he ever made a serious attempt to discuss being unfulfilled or unhappy in your relationship? I'm guessing not but if he had and you didn't reciprocate i could see someone responding to the attention of someone else.

You're not married to him, you don't have kids so although it might still be emotionally difficult to start again, my advice would be to leave or ask him to leave and end the relationship. He's really not a nice man.

You asked if you're over reacting, I don't think you're reacting enough but that could be shock.

He’s making a fool of you my love. Please don’t put up with this.

Are you actually accepting any of that shit op? He's taking you for an idiot

Please don't waste any more of your time on this man 💚

Way too much of a fob off - he told her she had a cracking arse - that isn't someone who is solely humouring and trying to gently flirt but also shut down

Err, no. Most (decent) men would be horrified at the messages, and would probably not reply, ignore the obvious flirtation or shut it down straight away. That’s beyond a bit of friendly banter.

I keep coming back hoping for the "put him out with the wheelie bins" update but braced for the "manipulative little twatwaffle won me over" post 👀

If he really wants it shut down he should tell her his DW found the messages at the weekend and he's now in deep shit so could she please quit it, it's already caused huge upset at home. The end.

That's all about the complete bullshit he's spouting.

How do you feel about what he said and what have you done? Do you have any real life support?

We had a long talk last night and I’m satisfied his apology is now sincere so I am going to draw a line under it. I appreciate everyone’s support.