Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

Yea right🙄.
He's a right piece of work.
Good luck to you if this is all you think you deserve.
I don't know how you could look at him again after such utter self serving bullshit.

Oh and you do realise he has blamed you for this by implying that things need spicing up?

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk OP, because you need support to protect yourself, also look at therapy.
You deserve so much better than this.

Have you a mother or friends that you can discuss this with?
I really hope you do.

I'm middle aged and in an unhappy relationship but would never message anyone like she has. You've seen his responses, he's just trying to shift the blame.

I’m pretty sure what he’s saying is bollocks. Men like to claim women have come on to them but i think it’s pretty rare. And how is he coming up with such filthy responses if this doesn’t suit him. Lady spray!?!? And as a PP said - how does she know when he’s been drinking?

Please don’t fall for this bollocks.

Read what he chose to write to her. Find your self respect.

He's talking rubbish. Men don't engage with this sort of thing unless they want to. They are not socialised to be nice, to keep people happy, like women are. If he was so concerned for his job he would have shared it with you the first time she was inappropriate. This is not an opportunity for spicing up, ie him getting what he wants on pain of cheating, it's an opportunity to get rid of him.

Oh dear. So many questions that have already been raised by pps.

I think you really need to listen to your last question OP and consider his answer to that. It is still grim. It doesn't matter if she is a desperate middle aged woman (is she really?) he still messaged her inappropriate sexual stuff.

He's got a lot of making up to do here imo. And as for the spicing things up - that makes me feel a bit sick. Has he been imagining you together while talking to her - I mean - what is going on in his head? Do not let him blame you and your lack of spice for any of this.

It is not OK.

I'd show him this thread

I can't believe he was concerned for his job. Surely what he has said to her is grossly inappropriate and would be more of a threat to his job than just not engaging with it.

That's it! I'd forgotten the name of it. I'd never heard of one before it came up on that deleted thread about discovering messages between her husband and junior employee he worked with. I've led a sheltered life 🤣

He has acknowledged/apologised that the messages were not a nice read for me but says he obviously didn’t give her what she wanted and that most men would have replied all manner of filth in his position. I did ask why, and he said about her being a powerful woman and senior at work.

He says that ‘next time’ she tries it on he will shut it down immediately and is happy to show me his response.

I hadn't heard of it either but waited until another poster could tell us what it was cos I wasn't googling it 😂

I was sad when that thread was deleted. Fake story or not, I wanted to know what happened next 👀

So all of the times before you found out it would have been impossible to shut down, but now you know about it he will do it straight away?

I’m really sorry this is happening.

I’d love to know what he means by ‘most men’ and ‘in his position’. I’ve got a horrible feeling it means the type of men he associates with, and men who think they can get away with it. the casual disregard for women and their feelings is really grim.

Actually, no they would not. Plenty of men would say that they were in a relationship or that this is inappropriate. Men like him would reply exactly like he did. My married brother once replied to an enthusiastic coworker with "whoops, I think you sent this to the wrong person! 😂" and never heard anything else again.
This man is a manipulative, lying little toad and, if you find yourself believing in him, reread this thread from the start.

So he’s minimised what he did, suggested she’s at fault (by calling her desperate) and is trying to use this as an opportunity to use the horn he built replying consistently (with no sign of gently trying to stop communicating with her as he claims) to make you engage in the kind of sex he’d prefer. What a prince among men.

It's your life, and we're randoms on the internet, but I hope you realise you're better than he takes you for and that you deserve more. Good luck.

Ooohh sex chair!!?😂😂

Come on - surely you're not falling for his 💩?

and that most men would have replied all manner of filth in his position

OP, I just ran those texts past my DH as a case study, and can confirm that “most men” wouldn’t reply like this. 👍

The fallacy of numbers, "most men would do it".

Girl. It's not like they're forced to communicate on one app. 🙄

Maybe there's a car seat sex chair for the back seat.

Honestly, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I’d be extremely upset if I found those messages between my DP and another woman.
Whether you call it “cheating” or not, that conversation has clearly crossed a boundary. It isn’t just friendly workplace banter — she made a sexual suggestion, and instead of shutting it down, he actively engaged with her and made sexual comments of his own. “I’ve never had any complaints 😛” would particularly concern me.
It doesn’t prove they’ve physically done anything, but it does show that he’s comfortable having a sexual/flirtatious conversation with her, and that’s enough to warrant a serious conversation.
I’d speak to him calmly and ask him exactly what the relationship with this woman is and whether there’s anything else you need to know. Don’t let the conversation get completely sidetracked into how you happened to see the messages either — the bigger issue is what he was actually saying to her.
And the fact that she has a family and works with him doesn’t make it any less inappropriate. If anything, I’d be asking why they both felt comfortable taking the conversation there in the first place.

I hope you're not convinced by his 'explanations'. He's full of BS. He was 100% participating enthusiastically in that.

Gosh he sounds like an absolute creep. Why would you want to be with a man who uses foul misogynistic language, blames women for his actions, and uses outdated stereotypes like desperate middle aged women to try to weasel his way out of what is an appalling betrayal. What he has done is way beyond not nice. Most men would do the same…no they absolutely would not, I would love to see his evidence for that statement. But even if they did, does that excuse him? If you stay with this man you will never have a moment’s peace because you will never be able to trust him. You only have snapshots of messages between them, what has been said at work to lead up to those? OP for your happiness going forward, find someone who deserves you.

And what did you say to him? Are you accepting this nonsense from him?

Not all men, just the cheating sleazy type.

That's the type you are with.
This will not be the last time he behaves like this.

Give some thought to how you will feel the inevitable next time you come across him cheating again, but you have a toddler in your arms and another on the way?

You will bitterly regret settling for a cheater.