Discovered messages between DP and someone else

[Helhel8]

Hiya, I have name changed for this but have been a long time user on here.

My DP is away this weekend, we live together and share a tablet/device usually for watching Netflix in bed, but we sometimes use it for Facebook. So just to be clear I wasn’t ‘snooping’, as I have always had complete trust in DP.

He had kept his account logged in on the messenger app, which I clicked on as it was an open tab. I saw emoji’s next to a woman’s name (I didn’t recognise this or her photo) so it piqued my interest.

There are various exchanges, not regular and most talk about work but more recent ones seem to cross a line.

Can I just ask whether you’d consider this a form of cheating, I am upset and haven’t mentioned to him yet. I literally found them an hour ago.

Conversation about DP’s new car, started off dull about the salary sacrifice scheme he used. It’s a fairly big car.

Woman - plenty of room in the back of that car 👀
DP - oh yeah, what you thinking
Woman - just saying, amazing what people do in cars these days
DP - I think that would be uncomfortable 😅
Woman - don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
DP - I’m a clean freak, couldn’t be dealing with my backseats covered in lady spray 😂
Woman - you have to be skilled to get that from me 😂
DP - I’ve never had any complaints 😛

Thats just one of them, I can post others. I want to confront him but don’t want to be seen as over reacting.

I’ve found her on LinkedIn, she works for the same company. Also on Facebook it’s obvious she has a family too.

OP I hope you see this load of bollocks for what it is. He clearly had a rehearsed speech for when he was found out. And that last point, bloody hell, he is saying that to keep his interest things need to be spicier between you. What a gross human being. Such a relief for him to off load the burden of his sleaziness and point the finger in your direction. He must feel so much better. What a prick. What about you?

Ultimately you know your worth OP. Good luck. x

He’s following the same script that they all do when they get caught, it’s laughable.

Did she force him to comment that her face and arse were his two favourite things too? Poor man.

He sounds like a practiced liar.

He's sexting with someone senior at work. Oh, that's going to end well.

He's sexting someone he says is older and desperate. He's an opportunist in more ways than one. Do you make more than him? Are you in a jointly owned home?

Is he drinking at work? If they sext, you know they're doing this in the workplace.

You call him a partner so you guys aren't married. Take this as a red flag that this guy is a liar and he will cheat when he's got the opportunity.

He's not sorry at all, in fact he's blaming you for his sexting one of his senior managers.

Given his lack of remorse and the fact that he's dumb enough to be sexting someone senior at work, this guy is a poor partner. Dump before he loses his job or dumps you for a better opportunity. Mr. Ladyspray is not in this for the long haul.

This is exactly it. He's absolute garbage, blaming both women for his behaviour (although OW is hardly innocent) and I really hope OP can see through his crap.

Fuck me what a Prince.

So basically this is all her fault for being a desperate middle aged woman and you for being boring 🙄

He 'thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there' ?

Wow. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. How dare he?

What a load of rubbish. @Helhel8 make sure you remember this in the future when you find messages between him and a younger woman complaining that you're just a boring middle aged woman.

I am almost impressed by the amount of bullshit coming out from your dh’s mouth. He is quick off the mark , I will give him that
He has blamed the ‘desperate middle aged woman, the alcohol and indirectly he has blamed you for his awful behaviour

Your dp is a nasty , spiteful misogynist
If you want to stay with this idiot be prepared for a life of misery

He's lying to you and treating you like a mug. Please don't accept that pile of shit!

@Helhel8 I did think in the last messages you posted he was replying politely and not really joining in. He probably is worried she can cause him trouble.

He should have told you immediately, yes. But I’d be inclined to believe him.

Oh yeah, a queening chair - is that what it was called 🤔

His responses encouraged her!
He played along with the " banter"
Had he wanted to shut it down he could have ignored the messages or responded ' I'm not up for this kind of talk '
Simple

Today it's his ego being stroked..
First opportunity it will be his penis being stroked..
He will blame not wanting to lose his job for going along with it.

-He says maybe he was a bit flattered and thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there.

aka - You’d better start that ‘pick me’ dance and be quick about it.

OP - was there much acknowledgment of how upsetting this was for you to read?
Is he contrite?
It sounds as though at best he's minimising and at worst , excusing himself.

You’re very naive if you believe that he was “gently” trying to shut that down. Bullshit.

This would be a sexual harassment/conflict of interest/abuse of senior position for HR to deal with. His rights as an employee are to not be subjected to this behaviour and should never affect his career prospects, these rights have been violated. He can report it with your support so he isn't so alone after all the stress she has put him under and remind him there is no deadline for reporting such behaviour from senior management and his company will absolutely not tolerate it.
^
This is what you are going to say to him next and see what else he says to wriggle out of it further, playing victim and making it your fault at the same time. What a load of BS, I really feel for you op, sending hugs.

So, it was her fault and now your fault.
What a prince.

You're a mug then! Of course he was participating. FFS. Raise the bar!!

You clearly don’t know me if you think I’m a mug.

I didn’t see any ‘gentle shutting down’ at all, but lots of full engagements, even if she initiated it.

I think reporting will make him look as bad as her, to be honest (plus the embarrassment of it all).

If she's senior then he absolutely can raise a complaint. It's her who will get in trouble, not him. Altho the receipts don't exactly show him saying no. And why does she know when he's been drinking?? That's not necessary colleague info

thinks it’s a good opportunity for us to look at spicing things up a bit to keep the interest there

Of course, the answer to him sexting another woman isn't for him to change! It's for you to do more in the bedroom, and if he requests something you'll hesitate to say no, under threat he'll do it again. I hope you realise what a truly disgusting thing he's said here.

If you would be inclined to believe that pile of self serving, minimising, misogynistic crap then yes, you're a mug