Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

I'd just end things.

He lied to you about how long he'd been broken up (an unnecessary lie at the beginning of a relationship? Major red flag), messed you around, wrote a hyper critical list that included how unattractive you are to him and said he wasn't sure he was proud of you (!!!), but then came crawling back to you after you dumped him for being a dick...

If he hid the fact that he didn't find you attractive then, he could be hiding it now. You could just be a handy stopgap because he doesn't want to be alone. Certainly, you now know what he thought of you at a time when he should've been infatuated, and blinded by 'love'/lust.

He sounds like an absolute prick, and you'll always be wondering what he really thinks and feels, and whether he'll up and leave you the minute he thinks he has a shot with someone he thinks is 'better'. You deserve better than that.

OP, around the time he wrote this list, what would your cons list about him have looked like? And would any of them still apply?

I would worry about this for the rest of the relationship and so for that reason alone would have to end it

Well, this is my issue - what if I can never tell what he’s thinking. And also I agree, I would never stay in a romantic relationship where I wasn’t over my ex or didn’t fancy them. By date 2/3 I’d be out to save hurt.

on writing the list - I do honestly think it’s fine to journal thoughts, no matter how mean. Anyone is entitled to do that, the issue is not destroying or keeping track of where it is! I just don’t know if it was situational and he would find flaws with anyone at that time, or specifically me. I also know that a journal is a snapshot view, not reasoned. But I don’t know how to get to the bottom of it. I suspect the answer will be as I detailed above

Sometimes people tell you how they feel - believe them.

I think it will be difficult to salvage the relationship
It doesn’t matter how good things are now, you will never forget what you read and will be forever second guessing the relationship .

if I was being brutally honest I’d say things like unresilient / unreliable / self centred / selfish etc. there are points on his appearance I would probably think too

The One with the List

Ross and Rachel

By chance, is his name Ross?

I would copy the list verbatim and replace her with him (just don’t fancy him, not sure he’s got any depth, etc). And leave it where he can see it! Then I’d be gone.

Sensible

It might be helpful to imagine the boot on the other shoe - you had a number of cons about him and his appearance. You didn't write them down, but they existed. How you feel about those cons now might be similar to how he feels about his list.

what if I can never tell what he’s thinking

You can never tell what he's thinking anyway. I think a lot of relationship dilemmas would be solved if people made their peace with that. There's no answer to be had there and no silver bullet that'll enable you to see inside his head. This is about how you feel deep down.

Boot on the other shoe? I mean foot obv.

I dd immediately go there! Am trying to remember the one she particularly felt hurt by.

Just talk to him, I went through a bad patch with my partner last year and if I’d written down everything I was thinking it would have been relevant at the time, but certainly isn’t now we have worked through it, he had a break down so I couldn’t actually talk to him at the time.

We both said things we have since regretted.

That includes appearance, it’s alright to have ups and downs he might be mortified now and try and reassure you. Dont write your own list unless you are 12.

Seems odd that he wrote that page, ripped it out but left it in the diary. Are you being 100% honest OP, or did you realise it was a diary and settle down to have a good nose through, to see if he'd written about you?

I would wave it at him shortly before I left him.

I get this totally OP - 10 yearsago now I found quite by chance stuffed away songs and poems my H had written 10 years before about a very young woman who worked with us . I’m pretty sure it was an infatuation and not an affair - he says it was all one sided and in his head and ata point we had a lot of unpleasant shit going on - it according to H was a ‘pleasant’ distraction at a crap time - whilst my head accepts that and yes I do think it was the reason, the problem is I’ve never felt 100% the same again about him -sometimes logic doesn’t come into it . I think in your situation ( I had been married 20 years at the time) I would end it - you will ruminate over it for years. If I had known about this at the time I would have ended it.

I’m a fully grown up person thank you. I do not need to ‘grow up’, I am probably old enough to be your mother!

Hoisting him by his own petard, in a way 😅

I think simplified what I’m asking is:

• could this have been written in a moment of his own personal turmoil, and the last year is indicative of a feelings change?
• or, do you never fancy someone you initially don’t fancy?

rneres never been a problem with sex life etc either. I also know from chats we’ve had his attraction grows from emotional connection and investment

Oh, OP, no. No, no, no. Just no.

You are young. The relationship is still new. It should still be exciting and fun with you besotted with each other, given it’s only a year and you don’t live together (thank goodness!).

But what have you got? You’ve got this guy with his issues around truthfulness (the lack of clarity re: the timing of the end of his previous relationship and the fact it sounds like he literally bounced from her to you, without your knowledge), his drama - what does “letting you down at a work event” actually mean, in detail? - and his shitty, nit-picking, soul destroying list where he criticises your personality,
mental health and body.

WTF?! Who the hell does this, makes a list of ‘cons’ because you don’t tick every box of his mental “perfect woman” check list? This is not a romantic or loving thing and it makes your relationship sound like a business matter where you were an option, which he strategically weighed up to decide if you were worthy of his time/attention/affection.

Okay, we need to be sensible and if we go into relationships with our eyes open then perhaps we’re less likely to get hurt unexpectedly. But this list reads more like a character (and bodily) assassination. It’s so weird. And even if things seem good now, you know he felt like this previously and didn’t tell you and you had no idea - so you may feel like you can’t trust him.

And having read his thoughts - he doesn’t find you attractive, thinks you’re overweight, with bad hair and strange posture - you’re not going to forget that, are you? You can’t unsee it and obviously it’s going to be on your mind going forward. He could say he didn’t mean it or that he doesn’t feel like that now. But it doesn’t alter the fact he DID feel that way and meant it enough at the time to write it down on his fucking list of your imperfections. That’s really going to do a number on your self-esteem.

If this relationship persists, will a tiny part of your brain be concerned about how he’s going to cope with your anxiety about unimportant things, your working too much and your perceived lack of frugality? These are all things he’s listed as negative traits that irk him. So, you can’t guarantee that you’re not going to subconsciously be hyper aware of them and try to change, so as not to tip his delicately balanced scales of girlfriend-worthiness into the ‘not worth it’ zone.

Honestly, this guy is giving me the ick. You deserve a relationship with someone who is with you because they adore you, personality quirks/physical imperfections/warts and all. Someone who sees the whole you and embraces you because they think you’re wonderful as a whole. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws - but we don’t all have partners who write a chuffing list detailing them.

The menopause has made me, in no particular order, less tolerant, irritable, fat, prone to mood swings and has given me a variety of fun and exciting new minor medical irritations along with a strong urge to run away and start a new
life by the seaside. My “boyfriend” of many years is supporting me through it all and is making plans to run away with me. If he wrote a list I would tell him precisely where to shove it and be done with it. I am no man’s option.

If you were my daughter I’d tell you that he doesn’t sound like he’s worth all of the effort, that the relationship going forward is going to make you second guess yourself and be bad for your self esteem and that you can DEFINITELY do better.

Talk to him. Not us. Him.

be honest and communicate.