Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

[Devondigspigs]

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do.

me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since.

FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money).

but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her”

the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up.

now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point.

but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that.

I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed?

please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

no, when I immediately picked it up I didn’t but then did quite quickly and could at that point have stopped if I’m honest

I believe this was covered in Friends. Ross wrote a list comparing Rachel and Julie. At the end Rachel says something like "That's the difference between you and me, Ross. I wouldn't write a list."
He wrote a list. He is that kind of person. He didn't destroy the list - what not? Did he want you to see it? Loose paper left lying around not filed away.
I am a firm believer that if truth hurts then it is up to us to look the truths about us in the face and either address them or come to terms with them. However these are not truths are they? They are his opinion. If you want to discuss this with him his reaction will show you which way to go. A good response would be "I wrote these to get them out of my head, I am sorry, they are not true." A defensive reaction that denies, justifies, deflects and reverses things to make you in the wrong is a signal it is time to leave. Good luck.

Nope. Throw him back and catch a nicer fish.

Super critical men are a walking red flag and it’s one of the foundations for abusive behaviour.

Where was the pros list? If you were having a tough time deciding whether to end of relationship or not, you’d write a pros and cons list.

You could talk to him and see his reaction, but I imagine that list will haunt you and you deserve more than that.

Years ago, an ex actually asked me to read his diary because he had some idea that it could possibly be published one day. I think he was delusional 😂(he was a runner and the vast majority of it was running stats, very boring). Anyway, in it he'd written when we first met "she's too skinny and a bit plain". I think he either forgot he wrote it or thought I wouldn't care!

He was asleep next to me while I read it so I woke up him fuming. He convinced me to not end it, saying it was just first impressions and didn't mean anything. Well it did, because in the end he dumped me saying he just couldn't see himself settling down with me. In hindsight I wish I'd dumped him when he read it.

I agree with a pp who suggested he came back to you because he didn't find anyone "better". You deserve more than being a consolation prize. Honestly, I would end it now. If nothing else, you're never going to now feel secure in this relationship.

He had no business being in a relationship with you if this is how he felt. I’m assuming you wouldn’t have wanted him around if you’d have known how he really felt.

Get rid of this snide deceptive character.

But the list fell out and you saw your name - you weren’t exactly snooping

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Do you wanna buy a bridge?
Tbis is all very Bridget Jones isnt it? The way he felt when your relationship was in a bad place isnt likely to be what he thinks now. Yuu need to talk to him anything else is immature.

Honestly I’d never be able to get past this. I’d have to end it. He said he doesn’t fancy you!

Presumably there was also a "pros" list and he was putting things down on paper to get them straight in his head. What an idiot not to have destroyed the list.

I think the only option is to be honest and see where you get to. If he is a decent man he will be incredibly apologetic and do everything he can to reassure you, and you can decide whether this is something you can get over. If he is not a decent man he will be defensive and blame you for snooping.

Look, it sounds like he was recently out of being dumped by his employer and dumped by his girlfriend and maybe he was writing a list of all the reasons why he should dump you before you dump him or why he shouldn't care if you dump him etc. etc. etc. and after you did break up he realised that, actually, he was being a self-sabotaging prick. You will only know by talking to him and you do need to talk to him to find out if you are both in the same place - is this the real deal with mutual love and lust and enthusiasm or not. If it's anything less than the best - which is what you deserve - then cut your losses.

Honestly and brutally, you need to get some self respect and self love and ditch this fucking loser. From what you’ve described this has been a poor relationship from the get go and even after this shocking discovery it still doesn’t seem to be enough for you to end it.

I think it’s quite weird to write a list of things you don’t like about someone - a very clinical approach to a relationship.
Even if the list had been about an ex-partner, I still wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought like this, much less if they thought like that about me.
When you like someone, there’s a warmth you feel towards them that means you overlook their imperfections because you’re focused on the nice things about them. Having seen that list, you will be left wondering if those are still his prevailing thoughts towards you.
One thing I do know is that people who aren’t genuinely nice are capable of putting on a good act if it benefits them, to the point that others are taken in and might really love them. I have this in my own family, where the golden child finds it impossible to believe that the person showering them with affection can casually refer to another person using the most horrible language.

You have been mulling it over for days? You aren’t going to tell him you read his notes?

you think this is going to work? Sorry, I can’t get my head round this… just be honest and tell him you read his stuff.

In your situation I’d just tell him its over leaving the notebook on the kitchen table (open to the list). Never contact him again.

After a good few years of marriage with a lot to lose I’d have to talk to him about it but depending on his explanation it would probably still result in a split.

You didn't do anything wrong. You read a bit of paper that fell out of a book, not a diary. All of us would read a bit of paper if it had our name on it!

I don't know if I would be able to get past the things he's written. My worry would be that he sees you as a 'good enough for now' partner rather than a lifelong partner. You do hear about people who are in a long relationship, then they meet someone else and get married and have children quickly. I don't want that to happen to you. At 34, if you want to have children, you don't have years to waste with someone who's not serious about you.

I would have to talk to him about this and voice how it has made you feel. Then you can gauge what you want to do from his response.

Oh here we go again, a man does something nasty and unacceptable and everyone says LTB but the OP comes back making excuses for him.

The first post nails it. This will always be in on your mind. ALWAYS. You won't get over it. It will gnaw away at you. The above poster said he didn't want to be single so he came back. She's right. His secret inner fairy grotto that you believe you have stumbled into is a boiling cess pit. I could never love or respect a man who wrote about me like that.

When It was a lot younger, a man broke up with me and not long I began dating someone else but It ended it because I was not over the first. Did I write a mean list? No. I ended it because I was still consumed with the first one and I didn't think it was fair on the second. No decent person writes a list like that.

Thank you all for your advice - it’s being noted and appreciated!

in terms of it being bad from the start - it was bad at the start, that’s why we broke up. And this note is from before that happened. Since getting back together it has been great.

we’ve spoken about things in the past that are themes of the list. Eg about attraction, how we view building that etc and he’s been very reassuring. I think if I confront him I have to be prepared that he will say “I was in a bad place, we were about to break up, it’s not the truth a year on” - the question is whether I can believe that in any circumstance?

also re trying to find someone else: yes, that is possible but he was asking for me back essentially immediately

The other stuff, although hurtful, COULD have legitimately changed dramatically since he wrote it. But "just don't fancy her" seems like it should always have been a dealbreaker in a romantic relationship. It also seems dishonest to be in a relationship and feel this way - why stay? And you had no idea until you saw the list just now that he had EVER felt this way, which makes it seem like at least some active pretending was happening on his part.

I guess it's possible that as he got to know you better her came to fancy you because of other qualities that made the physical seem less important. I think if I were considering continuing the relationship, I'd have to tell him I'd seen the list and talk it through. As a side note: it's kind of interesting that he made a "con" list, not "pros and cons" - like he was talking himself into leaving, not deciding whether to leave or stay?

For years I’ve journaled, and there were two points in my marriage where I’ve written things about dh, because i needed to clear my head, lay it all out and think. (I’m a bit smarter than your dh because my journals are virtually unreadable to others). But when I’ve read them back later, I don’t resonate with what I’ve written at all, or I know objectively that something is true but it matters so little that I cannot relate to the version of myself who wrote it.

This is how I've felt as well. When I journal, I make myself lay things out without any sugarcoating and very often I present situations and people (including myself!) in a very harsh light. The point is to lay everything out in black and white. That shouldn't be confused with thinking those black and white terms are what I "really" feel - sometimes they're just reactions or instincts, and when I see them written down (often years later) I don't even recognise the feeling.

Anyway. I think the important thing is that no one has done anything wrong here. Plenty of posters are lining up to castigate him but I'm sure it's fairly normal to do a list of pros and cons about new partners, or partners when you're going through a rough patch and deciding whether to stay. Some do it in their heads, some to their friends, I've seen hundreds on MN, and some write it down.

Despite that it's also OK if you can't get past it. Those are fundamental things you should take for granted in a relationship, and if you don't feel you can rely on them then it's OK to leave. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

Whether you can get past it or not is honestly up to you. It's a highly individual and contextual feeling - whether any of us could get past it (in our very different relationships) is irrelevant. You'll have reasons that you might get past it and reasons you might not (you could even write them down, in a list of pros and cons) but ultimately you have to pay attention to what you're really, really feeling. If there's that kernel of doubt or sourness that won't go away - that's your answer.

I've got a bit of cognitive dissonance about this one, I think.

Part of me knows that, if I was annoyed with someone and wanted to break up with them, I might think/write all sorts of things about them to try and make myself dislike them enough to do it. There are certainly things might not even occur to me or strike me as unattractive about a partner when I'm happy with them, but which I could be really spiteful about if I wasn't feeling well-disposed towards them and was thinking of splitting with them.

But despite being able to imagine myself in the headspace of someone who would write a list like that and not really mean it... I still don't think I could get past it I found one written about me. I know that's not especially logical, but I just couldn't handle having that in my head once I'd seen it!

I do also think that the sheer specificity of your boyfriend's list is quite weird and somewhat unsettling. Writing 'not much physical attraction' or 'not my physical type' is one thing but detailing someone's posture, condition of hair etc is next level.

What do you mean how you view "building attraction"?

I would fold it into a paper aeroplane then throw it at him when he asks me why I’m dumping him

I think the only way to save this rekationship is to talk to him about this list.
You weren’t snooping, you found it by accident in an “honest” way so there is nothing he can criticise here.

If he is filled with remorse and says this just isn’t how he feels since you got back together and you believe him, things will be ok.

Otherwise, this will just eat away at you.

One way could also be that you honestly exchange each others pros and cons now? It’s a bit of a risk, but might equalise things and put the relationship on an honest footing. He will understand how you feel, or why you feel what you feel then as well.

Id be upset to find a list like that. I think Id mention an imaginary friend to him. Say he made a list like he did and how awful that made her feel. Its a shit thing to do. My husband has said before why is it everyone else's hair looks nice but mine doesn't. He cant take criticism of himself.

This really says it all. No matter how "good" things may seem to be I would always wonder what he was really thinking.

Wow, that's hurtful and how... nasty to list things like that.
I don't know OP, you're the only one who can really decide but I think for myself I'd not risk years of emotional investment from myself. I'd always worry about the relationship and when he is going to meet a woman that makes him 'feel proud' down the line. Ouch.