Husband says “it wasn’t my intention” when I share how I feel… am I crazy/manipulative????

[Rosalindaxx]

DH and I keep having circular arguments and it’s driving me crazy. I need to know whether I need therapy at this point because I’m hitting my head against a brick wall.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety much of my adult life (I was SA by my brother’s friend when I was 17) and have always been a bit “low”, needed antidepressants and lots of therapy. DP takes this as a personal failing and says he stopped being depressed when he met me, and if I’m still depressed he must not be enough for me. This is a recurring argument and I feel like I just hide how I’m feeling because I can’t be bothered explaining to him again that yes, I love him, and yes, I’m still suffering with my emotions.

We’ll argue about the same things again and again. One being that I like to spend quality time together (NOT just watching a series). Doesn’t have to be every day. His schedule means this rarely happens. He has a hobby he does near enough every week day from 6-10ish. So I eat alone and do my evenings alone. By the time he comes back he’s exhausted and goes to sleep. Then repeat.

At the weekends he has his nephews here (as his sister works shifts and is struggling with her living situation), so not time at weekends together either. Nephews are 5 and 7.

Yesterday we had one precious day off together and he said he wanted to “chill”. He played on games for 7 hours and it left me feeling a bit deflated. When he clocked this, he tried to initiate sex 🙄

I (once again) said that it feels like he doesn’t have a lot of desire to spend time with me. He said that wasn’t his “intention” and he’s “the bad guy again”

This intention/bad guy thing seriously confuses me. He says it’s constantly. I try my very best to be level headed and say how I feel, not what he’s done, and it ends up “that’s not what I meant”. It feels like a checkmate moment and I rarely know what to say to him in reply.

One time he said I was “a baby that needed holding 24/7” - I said that made me feel like a burden - “that’s not my intention”

Another time he told me that I spent too much time with my family - I said that made me feel like I was not doing enough for him - “that’s not my intention”

When I do say something, he’ll say “well why not just ask for time together?” / “why not tell me to get off the game?” / “why not tell me I need to do more around the house”

It’s exhausting. It feels like I’m constantly moving toward him, trying to be near him, but the way I do it is wrong, or he says I need to taken initiative and ask for date nights or ask for “attention”

I broke down last night and was googling controlling and abusive behaviors and I fear that by talking about my emotions, I’m being manipulative?

He told me last night he only says sorry to me because he can’t be bothered discussing the issue. He said “feelings are just things, get over it”

I told him I’d go back to therapy and apologised.

Am I the problem here? Should I be less demanding?

He spends every evening doing a hobby without you then complains that you spend too much time with your family?

What a manipulative dick.

Op, I can’t help but wonder what you are getting out of this relationship?

do you have children together? Because if not, perhaps you should consider not being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you?

I think you need to work on your MH - I agree with you that he's not prioritising you, but actually you need to stop making your happiness and world revolve around him. He's not your carer and not responsible for your emotions.

That said, I would think about whether you actually want to be with someone who doesn't (apparently) want to spend much free time with you.

A useful phrase for when he says 'that wasn't my intention' is to say crisply, 'that's irrelevant, I'm afraid. That's how it made me feel whether you intended it or not'.

He sounds like a bit of a knob.

There's something irritating about a man who wants to be led all the time. Do your own thinking for a change FFS.

OP - take a step back here and re-read what you wrote - things like his nephews are here all weekend but he thinks you spend too much time with your family, yet he doesn't spend any time with you at all because every evening he's doing his hobby. You're to ask to spend time with him - he doesn't want to spend time with you off his own bat.

What are you getting from this? What is he getting from this?

Dies he get annoyed when you don't help him babysit?

You shouldn't have to ask for time together OP. This hobby , every night 6-10pm. Eating alone, no no no. That's obsessive. I understand helping his sister, but how long is that going to be for also? Seems like he's avoiding time alone.

He is a dickhead, isnt he.

who does all the care and cooking for the nephews? Is it him or you? If you, go out for the entire time.

Honestly he sounds awful. You have very clearly communicated to him that you would like to spend time with him. This isn't an unreasonable request in a relationship.

In return he has arranged his life so he is too busy to spend time with you every evening due to a hobby, at the weekends because of his family and if absolutely no-one else is there, he will prioritise gaming. To his own schedule he will still expect sex.

When you point this out he gaslights you by saying you ask for too much (like a baby that needs holding) or should let him off as he didn't mean it (that wasn't my intention) As a last effort he makes himself the victim (I'm the bad guy again). It's pure DARVO.

I would go to counselling again but to help you see red flags in a relationship and feel confident to leave if perfectly reasonable expectations aren't met.

Sorry, he says your depression is a sign you don’t love him enough? It sounds to me like he is the one being manipulative and using your emotions/mental heath against you.

You’re not being demanding for wanting to spend time together OP and I would honestly suggest you think through whether this relationship still serves you. It’s ok to move on if it’s not.

Yes, and he also got annoyed about a conversation we had around Christmas where I said love wasn’t a “choice” and you don’t think “I will love this person”, it’s very illogical. He got offended and said I was saying “I wouldn’t love you if I had to think about it” - but I wasn’t, I was saying you just fall in love.

And another time he asked me if I’d go to prison for him, and I said, I wouldn’t survive in prison. He sulked and said he’d do it for me and I mustnt love him like he loves me.

I honestly think the way I say things must come across as nasty because I never meant any of that?

You should go back to therapy but please do it with someone who can support you with working on your self esteem and implementing boundaries. You deserve better.

My ex used to say this to me and it infuriated me. Intended or not, the outcome is still the same!

I left him.

it sounds like he continually lets you down and uses “I didn’t mean to” as a get out of jail free card. How about he thinks more about your feelings and tries to give you what you want/need? This sounds like a miserable relationship where he’s selfish and you’re supposed to just accept crumbs of attention/affection.

Although it would be good to get some help for your depression, I don't think it is relevant to the situation you're describing. You should not need to ask a grown man that you are with, to stop gaming so you can have time as a couple on your only day off together, or ask him for "help" around the house or ask to spend time together. These are basic things. It's normal to talk about your feelings, not manipulative.

He's manipulating you. He says he loves you the most as he'd go to prison for you. The reality is he can't even come home from a hobby for you.

He could actually be unintentionally right though…it could actually be him and this very lonely unsatisfying relationship that are making you depressed.

I'd be depressed being in a relationship with him! There's more to life than this OP

6pm-10pm every week day he’s doing his hobby.
He has his nephews (whose ages make them pretty demanding) at the weekend.
One day off and he games for 7 hours? He’s an idiot. He’s the one manipulating you being abusive when you complain about the lack of time together. You’re right, he’s wrong.

Doing his hobby every weeknight 6-10pm is completely unreasonable for starters!

I think you would benefit from couples counselling OP. It sounds like your main issue is poor communication- a good counsellor should be able to give you some techniques to help you communicate more effectively.

Is his nightly hobby gaming? He doesn’t seem to want to spend any time with you, anyone would feel lonely and low in a relationship like this. How long have you been together? I think you’d be much much happier without him. I felt a lot less lonely when I was single than in an unhappy marriage. At least you’re not feeling neglected, miserable or resented.

What does leaving him look and feel like?

You've cured hos depression but he hasn't cured yours because you're in different relationships. He's in one with someone whonis available to him, cares and is thinking about his needs and feelings. You're ina relationship with a selfish twat.

Leave for the love of all that's holy.

He sounds vile. His feelings matter; yours don't. His leisure time matters; yours doesn't.

I'm sorry but I don't think he loves you OP. I think he enjoys having a bangmaid, which is a horrible word but what you are to him, as he won't spend time with you.