DH and I keep having circular arguments and it’s driving me crazy. I need to know whether I need therapy at this point because I’m hitting my head against a brick wall.
I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety much of my adult life (I was SA by my brother’s friend when I was 17) and have always been a bit “low”, needed antidepressants and lots of therapy. DP takes this as a personal failing and says he stopped being depressed when he met me, and if I’m still depressed he must not be enough for me. This is a recurring argument and I feel like I just hide how I’m feeling because I can’t be bothered explaining to him again that yes, I love him, and yes, I’m still suffering with my emotions.
We’ll argue about the same things again and again. One being that I like to spend quality time together (NOT just watching a series). Doesn’t have to be every day. His schedule means this rarely happens. He has a hobby he does near enough every week day from 6-10ish. So I eat alone and do my evenings alone. By the time he comes back he’s exhausted and goes to sleep. Then repeat.
At the weekends he has his nephews here (as his sister works shifts and is struggling with her living situation), so not time at weekends together either. Nephews are 5 and 7.
Yesterday we had one precious day off together and he said he wanted to “chill”. He played on games for 7 hours and it left me feeling a bit deflated. When he clocked this, he tried to initiate sex 🙄
I (once again) said that it feels like he doesn’t have a lot of desire to spend time with me. He said that wasn’t his “intention” and he’s “the bad guy again”
This intention/bad guy thing seriously confuses me. He says it’s constantly. I try my very best to be level headed and say how I feel, not what he’s done, and it ends up “that’s not what I meant”. It feels like a checkmate moment and I rarely know what to say to him in reply.
One time he said I was “a baby that needed holding 24/7” - I said that made me feel like a burden - “that’s not my intention”
Another time he told me that I spent too much time with my family - I said that made me feel like I was not doing enough for him - “that’s not my intention”
When I do say something, he’ll say “well why not just ask for time together?” / “why not tell me to get off the game?” / “why not tell me I need to do more around the house”
It’s exhausting. It feels like I’m constantly moving toward him, trying to be near him, but the way I do it is wrong, or he says I need to taken initiative and ask for date nights or ask for “attention”
I broke down last night and was googling controlling and abusive behaviors and I fear that by talking about my emotions, I’m being manipulative?
He told me last night he only says sorry to me because he can’t be bothered discussing the issue. He said “feelings are just things, get over it”
I told him I’d go back to therapy and apologised.
Am I the problem here? Should I be less demanding?