Husband says “it wasn’t my intention” when I share how I feel… am I crazy/manipulative????

[Rosalindaxx]

DH and I keep having circular arguments and it’s driving me crazy. I need to know whether I need therapy at this point because I’m hitting my head against a brick wall.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety much of my adult life (I was SA by my brother’s friend when I was 17) and have always been a bit “low”, needed antidepressants and lots of therapy. DP takes this as a personal failing and says he stopped being depressed when he met me, and if I’m still depressed he must not be enough for me. This is a recurring argument and I feel like I just hide how I’m feeling because I can’t be bothered explaining to him again that yes, I love him, and yes, I’m still suffering with my emotions.

We’ll argue about the same things again and again. One being that I like to spend quality time together (NOT just watching a series). Doesn’t have to be every day. His schedule means this rarely happens. He has a hobby he does near enough every week day from 6-10ish. So I eat alone and do my evenings alone. By the time he comes back he’s exhausted and goes to sleep. Then repeat.

At the weekends he has his nephews here (as his sister works shifts and is struggling with her living situation), so not time at weekends together either. Nephews are 5 and 7.

Yesterday we had one precious day off together and he said he wanted to “chill”. He played on games for 7 hours and it left me feeling a bit deflated. When he clocked this, he tried to initiate sex 🙄

I (once again) said that it feels like he doesn’t have a lot of desire to spend time with me. He said that wasn’t his “intention” and he’s “the bad guy again”

This intention/bad guy thing seriously confuses me. He says it’s constantly. I try my very best to be level headed and say how I feel, not what he’s done, and it ends up “that’s not what I meant”. It feels like a checkmate moment and I rarely know what to say to him in reply.

One time he said I was “a baby that needed holding 24/7” - I said that made me feel like a burden - “that’s not my intention”

Another time he told me that I spent too much time with my family - I said that made me feel like I was not doing enough for him - “that’s not my intention”

When I do say something, he’ll say “well why not just ask for time together?” / “why not tell me to get off the game?” / “why not tell me I need to do more around the house”

It’s exhausting. It feels like I’m constantly moving toward him, trying to be near him, but the way I do it is wrong, or he says I need to taken initiative and ask for date nights or ask for “attention”

I broke down last night and was googling controlling and abusive behaviors and I fear that by talking about my emotions, I’m being manipulative?

He told me last night he only says sorry to me because he can’t be bothered discussing the issue. He said “feelings are just things, get over it”

I told him I’d go back to therapy and apologised.

Am I the problem here? Should I be less demanding?

I disagree that OP is a poor communicator. She's been very clear with him that she has low moods that aren't anything to do with him, what kind of support she would like in a relationship (and has been actually very generous and not expected much).

The issue is that her partner has no intention of listening or changing his behaviour.

I don't mean that OP is a poor communicator - sorry if that came across wrong. I meant the two of them and their communication as a couple.

You’re not being manipulative, he is. He’s manipulated you into thinking YOU are manipulative and making him feel like a bad guy so he is the victim here. Don’t fall for it. Stand up for yourself. Insist he be an equal partner. Nip this gaslighting nonsense in the bud. Nip it!

He sounds like a prize bellend tbh

If anyone is like a baby it’s him!

I would end this relationship- there’s no arguing with someone like this, and you can’t persuade someone to want to spend time with you.

Me too, I’d be depressed as well, this is LTB territory. Free yourself from this millstone.

This! And he's putting it back on you because according to him emotions are just things, suggesting he doesnt really feel them

If you honestly think you are the problem here, then he's really done a number on you.

Call women's Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask for their help and support innkeaving this emotionally abusive man.

Everything you've said about him screams narcissist to me, especially the refusal to be accountable when you've explained how you feel. Insisting g on being judged for his (invisible and unknowable) intentions and not by the effect of his behaviour is ne of the hallmarks of a narcissist.

He is arrogant and selfish, and you need to leave him. He doesn't love you at all. Grieve whatever dreams you sank into the relationship, and get out.

He certainly sounds manipulative, OP. Sorry you are having to endure this nonsense.

I can't vote because there is so much here to unpack. Much of what he is saying is unkind or ridiculous - love does not cure depression or anxiety and it is stupid to say it should. And that's not my intention is not an end point of a conversation - it's when you explain what you meant more clearly. So there is a lot of fault on his side.

However, I am struck that an event from your past has become so defining for you and wonder what help and support you have had. Many people do go on to have good quality lives after trauma, and it's a shame this has not been your experience. If your depression and anxiety is bad, it can be draining on the people around you - I wonder if this is what the baby comment was about? I am glad you are going back to therapy - hopefully your therapist can help you work on having a better life for yourself and help you explore how his behaviour affects you and whether it's what you still want for yourself.

You have said a lot of things here that I believe are his way of manipulating you and are red flags of further abuse. Complaining about seeing your family too much, making you feel responsible and guilty for his mental state, using your mental state against you, purposely asking you silly questions so he can twist your answer and make you feel like you can’t do or say anything right. Some might say im extreme here but judging by what you have told us I would say he is emotionally abusing you and he will only get worse. Get out and away from him asap.

OP you poor thing. You are not abusive. Please don't ever think that. Absolutely nothing you've described suggests that.

Your DP, on the other hand, is very good at shutting you down and avoiding taking any responsibility for how he makes you feel. So I think you need to try these when he uses his usual tactics to shut down the conversation.

When he says "that's not my intention" respond with "what was your intention?" "How do we fix this?" "What's your solution?"

When he places all the blame and responsibility onto you, eg saying, well you should have said xyz in the moment, respondn with "sure, no problem, I'll do that. What can you do in that situation?"

Turn it back onto him. I 100% guarantee you that he'll become agitated and find ways to avoid taking ANY responsibility or doing anything to improve how you feel. Because the intention (the true one he isn't admitting) is to keep you small, to bully you, to dismiss you, because he just can't be bothered to give you what you need.

I know you keep blaming yourself, thinking you're the problem. You're not. He is being cruel and unkind. Try the above out so that you can see it, once and for all.

A good partner would listen and adjust their behaviour to keep you happy. Actions speak louder than words, OP. His actions are showing you that he doesn't respect you very much. And you deserve so much better than that. I hope you realise that.

He sounds absolutely horrendous and hugely manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive.

He actually sounds like a real creep.

No wonder your mental health is not improving.

I think you should reach out to Women's aid and also seek some therapy.

This relationship is really not healthy, honest or good for you.

I think you are being royally played.

Well you know what to say to that - that wasn’t my intention!

Tell him it doesn’t matter what his intention is. It’s how you’re feeling that you want him to understand. It’s a form of gaslighting you. You are not unreasonable that you want him to want to spend time with you.
You do need therapy to help you stand up for yourself. You are too passive. He’s ignoring you and when you express your needs he tells you you’re wrong. You are not wrong. And when he feels backed into a corner he becomes the victim. ‘poor me you don’t love me enough’ etc
No wonder you feel you’re going crazy.

You don't need therapy, you're not crazy @Rosalindaxx you need a twatectomy.

He's truly horrible to you, he intends to make you feel like shit because he's a selfish twat.

You are a survivor. Not a victim. Don't let this man make you into one.

This!!

OP, have a think about that. This guy talks utter nonsense.

Stop thinking about what he says and focus on what he does. He doesn’t spend time with you. This is not a good relationship.

How old is he? And you? You're not crazy at all

My ex used to trot out the same phrase oh I'm always in the wrong, you're such a burning martyr. I tried very hard to stop being "nasty" to him until one day it occured to me that actually he was in the wrong and a manipulative twat too, so I left him.

I can't stand 'that was not my intention' excuse - intentional or not, you've told him how his actions have made you feel and that's all that matters.

If he's not prepared to accept that he has unintentionally made you feel that way and learn from it then he's a prick.

If you drop an egg, it breaks regardless of whether that was your intention, and you are more careful next time. Same applies here.

OK. I believe him. I believe that it's not his 'intention'. I believe that he doesn't set out deliberately to make you feel unwanted or a burden or like shit. I believe that he doesn’t do things with the specific intention of upsetting you.

But that's because he doesn't even consider you in the first place. He just goes about his day or his week doing exactly what he wants without ever giving you a second thought. So he's right that it isn't ever his intention. But that's because he's not considering you in any way at all.

Exactly.

If you're not ready to leave him yet, just start throwing it back at him.

At least then you won't he wasting your time trying to explain yourself to someone who is willfully 'misunderstanding' what you say.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to find the right combination of magical words that will enable him to understand what you are saying. He does understand. It just serves him to tie you up in knots and have you doubting yourself.

I have a different view from most on here. In a nutshell neither of you is abusive, but what you’ve found out is that you’re not compatible (regardless of whether you love each other). You have different boundaries. You should each check one last time — what exactly are the boundaries I can live happily with, and if they don’t match, just split up amicably. It’s not abusive to have different boundaries. It’s just a mistake to ignore them and think that you can change them. That’s why some of the PPs have encouraged you to find a therapist who can explain boundaries to you.

1. He’s not abusive or a narcissist. He has a way of living that is very different from what you would like and need from your special person. He has a hobby and nephews that he’s very committed too. His actions and clumsy words are essentially saying — this is the way I want to live my life, these are my boundaries, can our relationship fit within them?
2. You’re not abusive or manipulative either. You’re saying to him: no, I can’t live happily with what you’re showing me to be your boundaries/needs. You need so much time for your hobby and nephews, and have so little remaining for shared activities for us as a unit. These are my boundaries: more time together, activities other than a TV series, not being alone most evenings.

Neither of you have boundaries that are wrong. They are just different. Maybe when faced with the realisation that you should split up, one of you will suddenly have an epiphany and realise that actually - what you preferred is not what you need. Your boundaries are a bit more flexible - you would prefer to adjust than lose each other. But if so, then you have to stick to that view, otherwise you will go back to the circular arguments.

You sound so confused about what is normal and allowed in a relationship. How much can you have? Where's the line between your mental health difficulties and what a well person could expect from their partner. I think you should get therapy, but to strengthen your sense of self, not because you're the problem here.

He is either manipulating you on purpose and using your poor mental health against you as a weapon. Or he is emotionally illiterate. Either is possible.

When he responds with "it's wasn't my intention"
Your response needs to be "and yet that was the impact of the words you chose"

Does he want you to feel happy or sad? Does he understand that words are powerful. They make us feel. What does he want you to feel? He has responsibility for the words he says and their impact.

You are very lonely, if he truly wanted to help you feel better he’d carve out time to spend together.

You need to find outside support, join a group, arrange lunch with a friend, take time for yourself instead of constantly waiting on him.

He cannot fix your depression and take away the past but he could try being more supportive towards you.

It is a relationship of convenience.,

I think there are two sides to a story and it must be hard to live with someone with long term mental health issues.

Equally relationships shouldn't be this hard work.

I think this is a perfect example of wrong person, wrong time.