Husband says “it wasn’t my intention” when I share how I feel… am I crazy/manipulative????

[Rosalindaxx]

DH and I keep having circular arguments and it’s driving me crazy. I need to know whether I need therapy at this point because I’m hitting my head against a brick wall.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety much of my adult life (I was SA by my brother’s friend when I was 17) and have always been a bit “low”, needed antidepressants and lots of therapy. DP takes this as a personal failing and says he stopped being depressed when he met me, and if I’m still depressed he must not be enough for me. This is a recurring argument and I feel like I just hide how I’m feeling because I can’t be bothered explaining to him again that yes, I love him, and yes, I’m still suffering with my emotions.

We’ll argue about the same things again and again. One being that I like to spend quality time together (NOT just watching a series). Doesn’t have to be every day. His schedule means this rarely happens. He has a hobby he does near enough every week day from 6-10ish. So I eat alone and do my evenings alone. By the time he comes back he’s exhausted and goes to sleep. Then repeat.

At the weekends he has his nephews here (as his sister works shifts and is struggling with her living situation), so not time at weekends together either. Nephews are 5 and 7.

Yesterday we had one precious day off together and he said he wanted to “chill”. He played on games for 7 hours and it left me feeling a bit deflated. When he clocked this, he tried to initiate sex 🙄

I (once again) said that it feels like he doesn’t have a lot of desire to spend time with me. He said that wasn’t his “intention” and he’s “the bad guy again”

This intention/bad guy thing seriously confuses me. He says it’s constantly. I try my very best to be level headed and say how I feel, not what he’s done, and it ends up “that’s not what I meant”. It feels like a checkmate moment and I rarely know what to say to him in reply.

One time he said I was “a baby that needed holding 24/7” - I said that made me feel like a burden - “that’s not my intention”

Another time he told me that I spent too much time with my family - I said that made me feel like I was not doing enough for him - “that’s not my intention”

When I do say something, he’ll say “well why not just ask for time together?” / “why not tell me to get off the game?” / “why not tell me I need to do more around the house”

It’s exhausting. It feels like I’m constantly moving toward him, trying to be near him, but the way I do it is wrong, or he says I need to taken initiative and ask for date nights or ask for “attention”

I broke down last night and was googling controlling and abusive behaviors and I fear that by talking about my emotions, I’m being manipulative?

He told me last night he only says sorry to me because he can’t be bothered discussing the issue. He said “feelings are just things, get over it”

I told him I’d go back to therapy and apologised.

Am I the problem here? Should I be less demanding?

The only thing I'd be demanding is a divorce.

Why do you cling onto a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to spend any time with you ?

Let me guess, his nightly hobby is gaming? He games for SEVEN HOURS at time? And then wants sex from you? You don't have kids but he doesn't want to go anywhere? He will not change unless YOU change first which means you stop being a doormat and putting up with this shit behaviour. Are you taking care of these young children every weekend or is he?

If you don't have kids, just bail. You will get to breaking point anyway because you are lonely and he isn't meeting your needs. You are meeting his because otherwise he would tell you. He sounds like a guy that is pretty strong willed and self directed. Sometimes when people that are like you, that are accommodating and agreeable get into relationships with these strong personalities they are easily overshadowed and I think this is what has happened here. I can tell by the way you are constantly asking whether his behaviour is your fault.

His behaviour, his statements and his choices are his own.

You need someone who is more tender, who wants more connection apart from sex and who doesn't make you feel like you are going crazy for having reasonable feelings.

Maybe if you weren’t with this man who treats you like this, you wouldn’t feel so depressed?

I don’t say that flippantly- being in a bad relationship left me depressed and anxious, and that’s without a traumatic event like you had.

I would really reassess this whole relationship. He doesn’t seem to like you or want you apart from as a sexual partner.

@Rosalindaxx - yes, there is such a thing of intentions vs the way people fee/perceive the actions of a person. HOWEVER this is not the main reason you have a dysfunctional relationship.

No healthy relationship can survive - or rather be a good, solid, happy relationship if one person has a "hobby" every day from 6-10pm, and then no couple time every weekend. It's an active choice to prioritise one person's needs and take away most of the time that a normal couple has for interaction.
As a result - the relationship turns into co-living, roommates arrangement where you see each other as passing ships - in the morning and during sleep time.

No more analysis is needed on this. You don't need therapy, etc. It's not about anxiety or being depressed, or being broken. It is simply about the setup of a relationship that does not work.

You two seem young and you don't have kids. There is really no reason to be in this sort of arrangement for you, as you get nothing out of it. He - gets a house, a maid, a companion if/when he needs it, food, laundry, etc. He gets all the wife-services he needs.
You - get an absent roommate, not a husband.

I am not sure this can change with you just saying you want him to stop doing his hobby. Entrenched relationship dynamics are hard to change.

He sounds completely disinterested in your feelings and completely disinterested in spending time with you. However it sounds like there is something he wants from the relationship so he is trying to gaslight you into not realising that he is giving you absolute crumbs. Then he can keep you ‘there’ but do nothing for the relationship.

You need to walk away from this for your own sanity. Which I know is easier said than done and will really hurt. But if you stay it’s going to hurt ten times over. He is not going to suddenly became a fair and considerate person who considers your emotional needs and prioritises quality time with you, and listens when you share your feelings. That’s just not who he is, no chance. The way he is behaving towards you is so awful and he is giving so little to you. Don’t let him tricky you or turn it around. What you’re asking for is so reasonable

This @Rosalindaxx wake up to the reality. Maybe you could have a much better future if you left him. Your decision.