Boyfriend making it about him

[PinkLipsticks]

I am in my 40s, a lone mum with a 2yr relationship. At the moment I am doing lots of job interviews as my fixed-term contract is expiring. It is nerve-wracking to say the least and I am knackered and fraught, unable to truly relax on summer holiday with the kids.

Boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) has a stable, long term job he likes, but has kind of copied my recent activity and is now scouring lots of job sites for himself. He previously had no reason or wish to change, but instead of cooking me dinner and being my support during this time he is asking me to look over his CV and saying he's busy doing his LinkedIn and so on.

AIBU to think he should just stop and be stable for me these few weeks of intense interviews and stress? I feel upset and kind of like he is copying me and vying for the sympathy/attention,

YABU: No, he should be allowed to do his own time-consuming job search right now that needs engagement and support.
YANBU: He should stop and be supportive.

eta: And can anyone explain this behaviour?

Congratulations on your new job.
I read something somewhere that men are threatened by their partners success and therefore don’t celebrate or try to minimise success and achievement. Hence why you got the man who tried to put his 2 young kids in front of their mum who was just about to win her half marathon, it’s sabotage and insecurity. Your boyfriend reeks of this. I hope he’s your ex soon. When someone shows your who they are, believe them.

I bet you:'re so relieved, congrats on the job!

You BF will never be supportive. He's competitive and selfish and a bit of a misogynist. He didn't want to see you get a really good job. He's a what can you do for him guy. Sorry, throw this one back. Do the Freedom Program and read up on boundaries. Woman Who Love Too Much is excellent, so is Lundy Bancroft 's Why Does He Do That which is available as a free PDF.

Well done for getting the job! Concentrate on yourself and your child and career. He sounds tiresome and emotionally stunted.

Some people have to make everything about themselves and it sounds like he's one of them. you want somebody who's going to support you and you can support not who's going to be in competition with you about everything even things that are stressful.

Congrats on your new job though.

My ex was like this, turned everything into something about him. Even when I got my law degree with first class honours he told everyone I got it because he oversaw my studying (he didn't, obviously, but he did try to mansplain topics to ne that he had no idea about, and tell me how to revise - all of which I ignored).

Ex......

That is horrid @Negroany, what a prick.

My (deeply problematic) dad is like this. If someone or something else was getting attention, he suddenly has something that needs even more attention. When my new baby was born and my mum was giving the baby some attention, my dad bought a new iPad and had to keep drawing my mum's attention to its features.
It would be comical as it is so transparent if it wasn't so sad and dysfunctional.

He is showing his true colors, I am afraid.

And SO MANY congratulations on the new job! Well done!

Including to say wow I might apply for that one? When she shares a job? That’s asshole behaviour.
message him; hi, I’m really stressed with job hunting as I need a job, and I can’t support you in your job hunting right now. You aren’t supporting me so I am surprised you expect support from me. I can’t even mention a job now since you seem to think you might start applying for the ones I’ve mentioned. That was pretty upsetting and makes it really difficult to spend time with you when I have to keep things secret since if I share you think that’s an invitation for you to be my direct competitor, and I think it’s best we not talk for a few weeks. Good luck in your job hunting.

Oh well done! I obviously hadn’t read the full thread. I see he’s not someone who’s going to support you or celebrate you unfortunately. I’d go to dinner and invite friends who’ve been supportive. You can tell him this dinner so just for the people who have been supportive of my stressful time job hunting. You haven’t and haven’t even managed to congratulate me so you’re not on the list.

My cousin is married to this man - not much longer as they are separated. 🤞🏻

She had a horrendous time at work, resigned but won a big constructive dismissal case. Instead of supporting her, he had a massive tantrum and stormed out of his long term easy going job, vowing never to return. His employers were so shocked they called my cousin to offer help and say he was welcome back when he was better.

She used to think it was his way of showing empathy but realised it was all about attention. Whatever she was doing or going through, he does something similar and as you say in your post it becomes all about him and what he is doing or going through. She ends up making herself smaller so she can help him and support him etc.

Has your boyfriend for form for this? Has he done it before?

Missed this post.

Congratulations OP. Well done. Please go and celebrate with people who are happy for you and cheer you on.

I really can't understand why anyone who is happy and in a stable job would actually want to throw themselves into the job market at all.

Job hunting is shit. Demoralising, disillusioning and full of rejection. If you can even get as far as interacting with another human. Why on earth anyone would put themselves there by choice, as he has, is beyond me. It must be some weird form of attention seeking.

He is nuts. You can't stop him though. Just be aghast at his madness.

Very well done to you. Ignore him. He's an arse.

Congratulations @PinkLipsticks 🥂

I'm sorry this has highlighted his character/behaviour like this. I had an ex like this, I still have no idea why he was the way he was, but it was like he couldn't stand me having something more 'interesting' to talk about than him and would either be incredibly negative toward me about it, or try to do something similar but 'better'. Awful man, who is now apparently sad, bitter, and lonely, according to a mutual friend!

Sorry this is happening OP. It does not sound supportive. I hope he at least congratulated you.

Huge congratulations OP!
Especially in the circumstances, you've done brilliantly to keep your focus.
I'm afraid you've got a bad one there. He is incapable of putting you at the centre of anything, at any time, for anything.
If you are still together when you start your new job, (I hope you're not) he will probably have quietly dropped the job search, but will suddenly have all sorts of challenges in his current job that will overshadow anything that is happening in yours.
In his world, you exist to be his support act, he is the star of his show.

I know you’ve been with him for two years and you say he’s lovely in lots of ways. But this is the point where you need to decide whether on balance you can put up with occasional moments of needing to Elevenerife you (usually when you need his support the most), even if the rest of the time he’s lovely and brings joy to your life.

It could be that’s a trade off you’re happy to make, especially as it sounds like by definition you’re having to be strong, capable and solve your own problems for you and your kids when they arise. But are you ok knowing that when the shit hits the fan on current form you can’t rely on empathy or support from him? Do you have other friends or family who would help give you that support if you needed it?

Also I think the other key question is how would he react if you had a frank conversation about his behaviour over the last few weeks?

Congrats on the new role though - it’s brutal out there! (Another one living the contractor life, I usually work on 12-18 month type projects but the market finding the last two has definitely felt noticeably tougher than previously).

Brilliant well done!

Hopefully you end your relationship now too. Your BF is selfish, insecure and wants all the attention on him. He’s not a partner

He's competing with you for the same job? That is a big red flag!
Edited: got to the end of the thread now. Congratulations on the new job. I don't think much of this man. He foregrounds himself and 2 years into the relationship you still feel a lot of anxiety as a single mum. I know he isn't responsible for your child but your relationship should help you weather the difficulties. He sounds incapable of offering support and putting you first. He also sounds immature from what you've you've said about his expectations of being able to move into jobs for which he is not qualified. Either that or he is thick! Time to end it, I'd say.