Boyfriend making it about him

[PinkLipsticks]

I am in my 40s, a lone mum with a 2yr relationship. At the moment I am doing lots of job interviews as my fixed-term contract is expiring. It is nerve-wracking to say the least and I am knackered and fraught, unable to truly relax on summer holiday with the kids.

Boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) has a stable, long term job he likes, but has kind of copied my recent activity and is now scouring lots of job sites for himself. He previously had no reason or wish to change, but instead of cooking me dinner and being my support during this time he is asking me to look over his CV and saying he's busy doing his LinkedIn and so on.

AIBU to think he should just stop and be stable for me these few weeks of intense interviews and stress? I feel upset and kind of like he is copying me and vying for the sympathy/attention,

YABU: No, he should be allowed to do his own time-consuming job search right now that needs engagement and support.
YANBU: He should stop and be supportive.

eta: And can anyone explain this behaviour?

Attention-seeking, competitive, insecure (he’s pushing for you to refocus on him and fears might do better than him), insensitive, immature and jealous prat.

Well she has to centre herself, she's on an urgent job hunt, with a child to support and a DP who is definitely not going to put her first.

I think you are being quite self centred about the situation. He has decided that he would like to look for another job, nothing wrong with that.

It's ok to look for a job.

It's not ok to try to take a job she's applying for for himself.

He suddenly wants extra attention instead of letting OP get on with her job search and job searching can be very time consuming. Now he's going so far as to talk about applying for the same jobs. She is her kid's only support and her current job is ending. A job is an absolute priority for her.

I think he's trying to sabotage your job search. He doesn't want you in a possibly better role.

If you don't break up with him, as least grey rock him about your job hunt. Things are going, that's all the info he gets. Tell him you're too busy to look over his CV or whatever time wasting bullshit he comes up with.

He says he is going to apply for a job that OP has applied for, even though he works in an entirely different field. That sounds like the opposite of being supportive as he would be in competition with her for the same job that he doesn't need and she does. Why should OP support his job search when he is already in a stable job that he likes and she is coming to the end of a fixed term contract?

Has he got form for being unsupportive when you need support and, have you spelled it out to him that right now you could do with some support while you look for a new job so could be please shelve or put his own (unnecessary) job hunt on the back burner? His reaction will tell you what you need to know about him. He may just not be aware of what you need right now, and think it looks exciting and interesting and a good source of common discussion. 🙄

Are you in the same field? If you are and do similar work then he's treating you as some kind of competition which is definitely dickish behaviour.

@Mangetouts no we aren’t, not remotely, but he has quite an unrealistic understanding of how people build up their expertise, often thinking he could just break into other fields without having done the qualifications/ legwork. I took this for a charming naivety until now as I can’t think of another way to understand it. I really hope it isn’t parasitic in some way. I don’t get it.

What is his CV like?

Off subject but I find amusing . An earlier poster asked if he’d been to Eleveneriff .. locally it’s called black catting …

I bet if you think back, it's always you doing all the supporting and 'propping up'.
Honestly, I'd throw this one back in the sea - he has absolutely no sensitivity or emotional intelligence.

No one decent says to their girlfriend, in your particular situation, that they fancy applying for the same job that you just mentioned applying for!
Sone posters are turning themselves into knots trying to excuse or justify his behaviour or being deliberately obtuse about his behaviour, but you know this isn't normal or acceptable. He's an arse, who will suck you dry if you let him - you'll never ever be able to need anything from him because there will always be something more important going on in his life, that requires all your time and attention. Like 'needing' you to read his CV and help him right now.
Just get rid and save yourself the mental energy you are spending on this selfish prick.

Don't tell him a bloody thing you're doing, feed him false information,,,, you're buying a camper van, you're going to breed ferrets in your garden. And definitely don't let him move in with you.

Thanks @Bananalanacake I think sadly you are right. Just not weave him in to my essential stuff. I feel very down about it this evening. It’s hard enough at the moment already.

I knew a whole family like this. I found it weird. One got a new car, they all got a new car. One went on holiday, everybody would also go on holiday. They seemed completely unable to think independently.

You may have simply inspired him. I hear you, though. It would be nice to have some emotional support.

I am returning to this to say I got a job finally! Texted bf and he immediately started asking my opinion about something he was annoyed about. I’m so upset to be feeling red flags about this, it is ruining my job relief.

he doesn't really care for you or about you.

Time to end it if you haven't already.

or just let it fizzle out - how long would it take him to realise he hadn't heard from you / seen you.

Congratulations btw !
you must be so relieved, happy and excited ?

We’re very close— we’ve been together two years and see each other all the time. This is a shock realisation for me.

I am relieved thanks! It hasn’t sunk in yet. I am a lone parent and am used to being anxious.

He shouldn't be asking you for help but what he os doing is nothing to do with you, he has every right to look for jobs

Definitely normally yes I agree. Point of the thread was that I worry he’s doing it to minimise me.

Congratulations.
Well done.
He is a parasite.
Undoubtedly.
You really need to get away from him and focus on yourself.
I think you are far too giving and empathetic which has you attracting this needy, self absorbed type.

This is who he is. He will never change.

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood.

You deserve so much better than this loser.

Keep your eye on his next stunts..

I’ve read it sadly as before this I was in an abusive marriage. I really thought I’d healed, hence posting in shock. I really thought he was gentle and kind.

Congratulations. Is he cooking you a lovely congratulatory dinner or taking you out somewhere to celebrate?

Not tonight no! He’s at home with the phone off ruminating on his work thing.