Boyfriend making it about him

[PinkLipsticks]

I am in my 40s, a lone mum with a 2yr relationship. At the moment I am doing lots of job interviews as my fixed-term contract is expiring. It is nerve-wracking to say the least and I am knackered and fraught, unable to truly relax on summer holiday with the kids.

Boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) has a stable, long term job he likes, but has kind of copied my recent activity and is now scouring lots of job sites for himself. He previously had no reason or wish to change, but instead of cooking me dinner and being my support during this time he is asking me to look over his CV and saying he's busy doing his LinkedIn and so on.

AIBU to think he should just stop and be stable for me these few weeks of intense interviews and stress? I feel upset and kind of like he is copying me and vying for the sympathy/attention,

YABU: No, he should be allowed to do his own time-consuming job search right now that needs engagement and support.
YANBU: He should stop and be supportive.

eta: And can anyone explain this behaviour?

In the past when I've seen others applying for new jobs I did feel that maybe I was "stuck in a rut" and I'd start looking at vacancies. I wasn't competing with my partner about it though, which I do think is unreasonable.

Has he been to "eleven-erife"?!

No, but he likes his current job and has no reason whatsoever to be looking for another. It didn't even occur to him to start job hunting until the OP had to do it, and now he's making sure he's doing it bigger and better than she is.

I'd bet my hat that if the OP was looking for another car, he'd suddenly find a reason to do the same thing.

Yes of course. But it seems to me there is little reason to believe he doesn’t want a new change of job. Surely it’s a lot is hassle to apply for new jobs otherwise.

Perhaps he hadn’t mentioned wanting a new job before now (although the post doesn’t explicitly say that). But it’s a stretch to assume that he doesn’t actually want a new job and is applying for new jobs to compete/ steal focus. It just doesn’t ring true to me. It’s hard work applying for a new job and a lot to put yourself through.

Well if he's going to start applying for jobs you mention, OP, I'd be taking a few swift steps backwards for now while you process this behaviour.
When he asks you to read his CV (FFS) you are too busy with your own. You can't see him right now because busy. And stressed. You don't need to give (and he doesn't deserve) any more explanation than this, so don't fall over yourself apologising or trying to justify yourself.
You need to prioritise your own health and wellbeing (and career!) for the time being, and if this is who he is, maybe permanently, but that's a problem for down the line.
And definitely don't tell him about any other jobs you're applying for!

It's hard to say without knowing him. Either

A) he's been inspired by your job search, and has decided it would be good to have a fresh start just like you, perhaps not wanting to be outdone; or

B) he's feeling neglected because all your attention is going on the jobs rather than on him, and he's tired of hearing about it, so he has staged his own time-consuming job hunt to give you a taste of your own medicine (as he sees it)

Why would you need meals cooked and support while you’re job hunting? 🤷‍♀️

Thanks so much to those who’ve empathised and understood. I’m a lone parent walking the plank of my contract, I haven’t just fancied a new job and I’m not talking about it all the time.

I wanted to discuss what was going on that he is seemingly taking over the project and making it about him, though he likes his current job and has no financial pressures which are equivalent. He is asking me lots
of advice about his sudden job search all
week and foregrounding it while I’m running my family as usual and cracking on with interviews. I was looking for understanding— thanks to those who are trying.

Yep, he’s being an attention-seeking twat. Reminds me of an ex boyfriend.

I think pp who said he is mirroring me is very accurate, but I just can’t see why he’d do that. I never would to anyone.

Well that's a really twatty thing to do! To actually decide to apply for a job that you are going for so that he is in competition with you. It would make me reconsider the relationship.

He's trying to sabotage you and I'm not sure why.

It does sound as if everything has to be about him. Don't get flu because he will come down with the black death 💀

To be clear he wouldn’t get the jobs I’m applying to, he is in a completely different career. It’s the lack of care it signals that bothers me not the actual competition.

Extremely annoying and insensitive. If your job hunting has inspired his then great but since he has a stable job he could take his time with his so it’s not stressful for him and since he can see how much work it is he could be helping you when you are having to do yours under pressure.

My partner is like this and when I work 12 hour shifts and say I’m exhausted/ haven’t had time to eat etc he will say he is also tired as he has been to the dentists.

They do it on purpose so they don’t have to be helpful.

Good luck with the job hunt, put your energy into that not the relationship.

Wait. You're providing for your child as the only parent and he wants to apply for a job you've mentioned you might apply for.

Full stop here. That is a huge dick move and you have a child reliant on you for support. He's an asshole. I think that's relationship ending right there. It's not like he needs a job and yet he's putting himself in direct competition with you.

This man doesn't care about you. He wouldn't think of doing something like this if he did. Time to break up. He will always center himself and compete with you and you have a child to raise, not a selfish prick.

Does he suddenly become ill when you are too?

Why can;t he look for a new job if he want;s to?

i don't think 'because he should be making me dinner' is a very good reason.

You sound like hard work and pretty unsupportive.

Best case interpretation, he’s not good at empathy and accidentally does this as a way to show he understands. When he obviously doesn’t.

DH does this with illness, aches and pains, tiredness. He feels bad that I’m feeling bad, but can’t quite work out the appropriate response, so he puts it down to him having whatever the issue is. Sorry I know that’s a wordy explanation!

I now know to say, ‘No you’re fine, you’re just thinking about it because I’m ill.’ ‘No you’re not, you didn’t drive 5 hours today’ etc.

If he’s generally a good egg, tell him that you’d like his support as you are in a very difficult position. Him choosing to get interested in changing his job is really distracting and unhelpful at the moment.

It’s either that or he’s a selfish arse sucking up all the oxygen in the room, just in case someone wants something from him.

I think you are being quite self centred about the situation. He has decided that he would like to look for another job, nothing wrong with that. Isn't he supporting you by sharing your experience and therefore can talk about it and sympathise about it. It sounds like you want exclusivity on it which is weird.

As for support, you are not living together. Why should he suddenly cook and do more in your house?

Oh!

How long have you been together?

That sounds like tbe perfect ick being manufactured

Not sure I could get over that level of lack of thought, stupid competitiveness etc

Ick!

We’ve been together a few years. But first of all I didn’t really open up so much for support. To be clear I constantly support him with his own endeavours.

Yes, I do always make dinner for friends who are struggling and for him, or gestures just of care and support. I’m obviously knackered. I work ft, no support, huge pressure— just at the moment.

Thanks for the people with their own examples who understand, you have made
me feel a bit less alone.

I get why you find it annoying. But have you talked to him about it? Maybe it is some (misguided) way to try and empathise and connect with what you are experiencing. If you explain how annoying it, maybe he'll back off.
If not, and he is trying to compete/one up you then i think I'd be keeping out his way while I'm job hunting. Or telling him to do one if it gets too bad.

@meganorks Yes, I think I may just keep him at arms length until I’ve found one. Thanks.

I don’t want conflict this week while I have interviews. I recently talked to him about another thing (I was quite badly injured and he foregrounded something to do with himself and didn’t even acknowledge it), so I don’t think I can go in for more of the same convo. I’ve only just realised it is similar while replying now. I’m very, very tired.