How do you handle new gifts and hand me downs when you have two young DC of the same gender?

[Peterrabbity]

I have DD1 and DDnearly4.

My eldest DD has EVERYTHING. She was the first grandchild on both sides and has practically every toy imaginable. We are a family that likes to go ‘all out’ on birthdays and Christmas too.

How do you handle new gifts and hand me downs in your family? We have a big playroom so all of our toys live in there. DD1 has become interested in babies and pushchairs recently and there’s been a few arguments about our 1 toy pushchair so I’ve been thinking about buying DD1 her own. However the one we’ve got is perfect for DD1, and it would probably be better to buy DD4 her own bigger pushchair. But I find this happens a lot, but it seems unfair that it’s always eldest DD who gets everything new whilst DD1 just has to share DD4’s stuff or have the stuff she’s outgrown.

I’ve started thinking ahead for Christmas, and cannot think of a single thing that DD1 needs as she has everything that DD4 has outgrown. Where as I have a really long list of things for DD4.

How does this work in your family?

It’s easy at 1! Kids won’t mind. It’s harder when they are older. Im finding some particular difficulties over bicycles - given as a gift to eldest, used by younger sibs, now to be sold. Whose money? And, if a gift, are they required to pass it on?

Yes it’s fine at this age really. DD1 doesn’t understand. But my eldest DD would have definitely understood by 3. So just mulling it over for when the issues to start to arise!

This is where it is good to encourage different interests in the kids, or to buy things in pairs. So at Christmas, my DDs (3 year age gap) would each get an umbrella (one red, one blue) from auntie and a backpack (one red, one blue) from grandma etc.

Also younger DD rapidly developed a strong interest in animals, so she would get lots of animal-related toys / books while older DD got into lego.

And finally, get less toys overall for Christmases and Birthdays. no need to overwhelm the kids with every possible toy in the world.

My sister and I hated the same thing different colour presents. We both liked the same colour so one of us would always be disappointed.

Yes, I like the pairs thing.

However we have so much stuff already that it’s impossible to buy DD1 much. We already have happyland, duplo, Barbies, gabbys dollhouse, dressing up costumes, toy kitchen and a tonne of accessories, garden toys, dolls and accessories, peppa pig and bluey little world sets, magnetic tiles, arts and crafts, a bike, scooters, ride on toys, , an easel, playdoh and accessories, multiple puzzles etc. I cannot think of a single thing that we don’t have that I could buy new for DD1 🙈.

It also appears that both of my girls favourite colour is pink…

For at least the next few years, can you ‘rotate’ ie put away toys belonging to the eldest, and then they can reappear at Xmas etc for the youngest?

At 1 they won’t care.

Could you start to put things away and then gift them to dd1 for birthday and Christmas. After years of working in childcare “less is more” is really true the less they have out the better they play anyway and after things have been away for a few months even dd4 won’t remember them when dd2 gets them.

I remember thinking this at a similar age but over time it worked itself out because the kids got different interests right around the time when they started noticing.

My older son for example likes non fiction more than fiction, so there are always more fiction books that I can get my younger one.

Older one never got into Lego, so we didn't have much and now buy it for the younger one.

I could do, but DD4 would definitely remember that they were hers. We also have a big enough playroom that things haven’t really been put away. I have a small box of things that are too babyish for DD4 but too old for DD1, but most stuff just stays out.

But definitely an option with some bits that are ‘in between’ their ages.

@Peterrabbity By making such a big deal of things being "new" you will end up with materialistic children.

I have 3 kids (youngest are twins and now 10) and they have never had issues over hand me downs or anything second hand. Its not even a thing. The twins couldn't care less if the toys they are playing with belonged to their older brother or someone else.

It only becomes an issue if you let it become a issue. So just teach them that hand me downs and sharing is normal. If they squabble then it gets taken away.

What about materials to do crafts? Those get used up so you probably need to replace them for DD1 (when she’s older and can use them). I’m thinking about sets to paint (paint t-shirts, paint faces, paint with numbers, paint in general…), to make bracelets, to make dry clay stuff… you get the idea

But what do you do for Christmas and birthdays?

The kids share DD4’s pushchair at the moment.
I wouldn’t wrap up the pushchair that’s currently in the playroom and give it to DD1 for Christmas… and I wouldn’t put it away between now and Christmas as they both play with it. But it seems wasteful to buy DD1 her own pushchair when the one we currently have is fine!

They only understand what you teach them...

If you stop teaching them that new is better then it stops being an issue.

Kids learn what their parents teach them.

It definitely seems unfair for DD4 to get new stuff at Christmas and DD1 to be regifted things that are still in the playroom though. We don’t really take things away as the sort of toys we have don’t really get outgrown. They both just play with everything. The trouble is that we already have everything that we could gift DD1, and it’s all in our playroom.

Maybe start cutting back on buying stuff now so that at least when they are 7 and 4 you will have broken the cycle.

They get one present that they want, then a few other bits and pieces (books, a game). We mostly spend our money having fun as a family (meals out, days out etc...) rather than stuff.

If it's that much of an issue then get your 1 year old a second hand push chair that looks different to the one you currently have (she will have no idea it's not new), then when your 4 year old gets a new one, give the other one away. It just feels so wasteful to always buy new.

Believe me , however much crap you have in your playroom you will not have every different type of duplo , playmobil etc so there will be plenty of things you can get for the younger one .

A big gift to share such as a “mud” kitchen for the garden or a special craft bench/table might help - exciting looking main present but less materialistic then you could potentially make a few second hand gifts for each?

But that's what starts to happen when you go all out with birthdays and Christmas. They have far more than they need then you buy for the sake of buying.

My parents always gift my kids a day out or experience. Far more memorable and special than materialistic stuff. Zoo Keeper days, art classes, animal experiences (they got to hold tarantulas and snakes!).

Oddly, there are two things that my 10 year olds play with far more than anything.

1. Geomag magnet sets (I bought them a HUGE set second hand on eBay - my kids are well aware that if we buy things second hand they can have far more for the same price!)
2. A MakeDo set https://www.make.do/?srsltid=AfmBOorLj6Ao_afzdS_yW6POHLy0cqU8EglrD6uzz4GGso0pvN9yLdLb - they spend hours constructing stuff out of cardboard. We got them age 4 and 6 years on they're still very popular.

If you buy them less, they play with it a lot more.

The Geomags were handed down from my eldest as a gift for Christmas, then as that didn't cost anything we therefore took them out to the theatre for their gift.

I would make anything big you get for DD4 joint gifts. And then smaller individual things.

It makes sense anyway when they are sharing toys.

E.g. if you got them a trainset - the set is joint but they might get some individual engines wrapped up for them.

We did this. There’s 5 and a half years between my son and daughter. My son had a lovely John Lewis kitchen with all the wooden food. We had put that away in the roof, then last Xmas I said to him, (he was 7 at the time) how do you feel about giving your sister your kitchen etc as a present ? He was really enthusiastic, she loved it. We are really into pre loved toys and clothes so neither were phased/ fussed about this.

I’d try being more thoughtful with new gifts, instead of “going all out”. It sounds like you have way too much stuff, think about what each girl would enjoy individually, and gradually all the existing stuff will be grown out of/phased out.

You say you go 'all out' for Christmas and birthdays as if that is a rule set in stone : it isn't you could stop getting so much stuff, then you'd have a bit more choice over what to get.

I was the youngest of 3 girls, yes I got hand me downs, but I also always got a new toy for my birthday and Christmas, but we had different interests, so we got things according to our interests. Your youngest child is not old enough to particularly have specific interests yet, so she is probably quite happy with hand me down generic toys, when she's 3 and her sister is 7 they will want very different things and be able to express their wishes.

At the moment, there must surely be some toy in the universe that your older child hasn;t already had ? Unless you are millionaires and live in a warehouse, new toys are coming out all the time, you must be able to find something. It doesn' t have to be a big toy, kids have no idea of cost they just like what they like, there must be books, colouring books, puzzles, art sets, dressing up clothes, that your older DD hasn't had the exact same thing, and things like play dough etc have a limited life span because they get manky, so need to be replaced.

Just cut back, you've created a problem by going over the top, but you can solve it by cutting back while they are still little and won't notice.

My girls have the same age gap - eldest is 5, youngest is 2. I explained to the eldest that I’m not able to buy the youngest everything brand new for herself, and so part of being siblings is sharing- the eldest also can’t get mad if her sister plays with something that is “hers” - unless it’s particularly precious of course. But I can’t go around buying the youngest the same amount that the eldest got as we don’t have the space!

I think just focus on quality over quantity, one big thing rather than lots, so there’s always something they’d individually want - like by their next birthday/Christmas (both December born!) the eldest wants a 2 wheel scooter, the youngest wants a 3 wheel, the eldest needs a bike with gears, the youngest a small pedal bike etc so that’s fine and besides some books or other little shareable bits that would be enough - we don't like lots of presents anyway as December then would just be an intensely materialistic month and it isn’t nice really. It stops meaning anything.

Just choose one big thing for each that reflects their interest and if needed buy a second of something they both really love, like the pram. E.g. eldest has a yoto box so I got the youngest her own and they both get a lot out of that.