How do you handle new gifts and hand me downs when you have two young DC of the same gender?

[Peterrabbity]

I have DD1 and DDnearly4.

My eldest DD has EVERYTHING. She was the first grandchild on both sides and has practically every toy imaginable. We are a family that likes to go ‘all out’ on birthdays and Christmas too.

How do you handle new gifts and hand me downs in your family? We have a big playroom so all of our toys live in there. DD1 has become interested in babies and pushchairs recently and there’s been a few arguments about our 1 toy pushchair so I’ve been thinking about buying DD1 her own. However the one we’ve got is perfect for DD1, and it would probably be better to buy DD4 her own bigger pushchair. But I find this happens a lot, but it seems unfair that it’s always eldest DD who gets everything new whilst DD1 just has to share DD4’s stuff or have the stuff she’s outgrown.

I’ve started thinking ahead for Christmas, and cannot think of a single thing that DD1 needs as she has everything that DD4 has outgrown. Where as I have a really long list of things for DD4.

How does this work in your family?

Surely you can’t possibly have everything! Every type of doll? Every playmobil/ sylvanian families/ duplo/ Lego etc playset? Every dressing up outfit? Every book? Every craft set? Every piece of equipment for the garden?

Your youngest DD is only 1, you have no idea what she’ll be interested in at 3 but when she is that age surely there will be something she likes that you don’t already have. If there really isn’t anything left to buy it sounds like you have way too much stuff and are buying toys for your DD4 just for the sake of giving her something, not actually with any thought behind what she actually wants to play with and what she enjoys. Most children don’t evenly spread their playtime between dolls and dressing up and lego and Barbie and arts/ craft and outdoor play and character players and movement play etc they tend to have favourite types of play and types of toys.

Maybe you need to cut down on what you’re buying, buy DD4 toys that align with her interests and then when DD1 is the same age do the same. If you’re buying something that could be shared then you also don’t have to give it as a gift, just buy another pushchair for the playroom and tell the girls it’s for both of them to share. Then save gifts for toys they want and that align with their interests, the pushchairs can be shared but they can each have their own doll. This way the toys given individually are more likely to feel special and feel sentimental to your children too rather than them having a playroom where they have everything but care for nothing.

I would buy a new bigger pushchair as a joint present for both of them. So DD1 would get to use it now but it would be a ''family toy'' rather than belonging to her.
( that might upset them both, but still....!)

I have 4 boys, eldest is 7 years older than the youngest.

My advice is, keep the bar low!! While they are little, they are happy with everything, hand me downs and all, unless you teach them otherwise. They also don't expect piles of presents unless you teach to- in fact, less is more in terms of them actually playing with things. 4 or 5 carefully chosen small or sized medium gifts per event is a lot better for everyone than an avalanche of toys every major event.

While they are toddlers they tend to like the same things, but in a few years they will develop their own tastes and interests. Save your money for ipods or ice skates or whatever it turns out that they actually love, when they are big enough to know.

Cuddly toys? Obviously you can get kinda realistic looking ones of lots of animals, teddies or more cartoon looking stuff that might be based on a character. Some people keep some of their teddies forever!

We had the same age gap with 2 girls and had a similar problem, but then luckily my 2nd started to prefer what some would consider 'boys toys' dinosaurs, cars, superheroes etc. So why not buy some of that for your youngest

I think it's a common feeling, not being sure what to buy the youngest as they just play with the eldest's toys. I have a 2 and 4 year old, the youngest hasn't had a lot of stuff for his birthdays/christmasses but it doesn't really matter and by the time he is old enough to understand he will have his own interests. Its already starting to show already - my eldest is creative, likes 'beautiful' things, loves learning and educational toys/books, not really interested in sporty things. My youngest is a lot more engergetic, likes kicking a ball and getting messy.

If you have 'sets' of things, could you get some special specific pieces? E.g my boys both love their train track, and each have their own special train. Books and clothes are always good ones. Nice practical things e.g their own nice cups. Magazine subscriptions?

I think this is common with girls. Mainly because they both want the pink one.

I’ve been having a similar thought recently as my youngest son is turning 1 soon and family have asked what to get him for his birthday. I’ve said just to send money and we’ll put it into his savings account. He has all his older brothers toys and clothes so literally doesn’t need a single thing. Obviously not a problem at this age, but when he gets to 3 I imagine he’ll be much more aware.
We’ve bought him a bowl and plate set that match his brothers but in a different colour, just so he has something to physically unwrap and so my older son can give it to him as I know he’ll like that.
When he gets older and is into something specific then I think we’ll try to focus presents around that eg dinosaurs or crafts. Hoping he’ll have different interests to his older brother!
My plan for Christmas is to do mostly joint presents at this age - some more pretend food, train track or magnatiles or maybe a new sandpit for the garden. The sort of stuff they can both play with, until they develop their own specific interests.

It evens out on fairness though, by the time DC2 is getting into Duplo, for example, they already have lots to play with and might have some more interesting bits than when DC1 first started playing with it. It just depends on perspective.

Big value items they outgrown, like bikes, scooters and roller skates - I'd avoid them as gifts. Gifts can be smaller, but entertainment things can be bought and upgraded as needed.

I think you also need to think about how this changes as they get older. I don't remember being bothered about sharing or getting new things when I was little. But I do remember the times when I was older and my brother put his hand out for the new and tried to fob me off with the old. Whilst my parents didn't actually let him get away with it, I've never forgotten.

I've always trained DD1 to know that DD2 does get new things. Having been the younger child brings a perspective that DH doesn't have.

We don’t have a big house and no play room to speak of. However we did buy 2 prams one year as they both wanted them and actually both had a pushchair too. When eldest got her big bike the youngest got the hand me down bike wrapped up with new accessories such as new basket and bells etc. Mine have a half 3 years and 10 days so birthdays are quite close as well. One year they both got the baby born doctor doll and accessories sets each. They would not share. We tried to keep them we similar if the exact things weren’t suitable. But actually once the youngest got past 18 months most things were suitable for both. As they got older they did start to develop different interests - stitch versus Winnie the Pooh for example - so we got them both the same bits but with different themes. They both got a v shaped scooter one year but different sizes. They both got roller skates but one got the boots that change size and the other got the skates you wear with shoes - although she picked it up quicker and soon needed proper skates.

when the eldest started school she saw less of her toys and we could put some stuff away. They both loved happy land stuff for ages so we added to that in little bits. Both liked Lego so started with mega blocks and then moved on age appropriately however youngest picked things up really quickly and enjoyed the older toys as well.

Both had very different colour preferences - neither liked pink. Youngest is growing more into pink at nearly 14. Clothing was great to hand down for a lot of years but each year we got things out of the loft we realised trends had changed and what was cute 3 years ago wasn’t as cute now. When they started showing colour preferences the younger started to refuse to wear the oldest’s clothes in that specific colour.

Interestingly now the youngest is a magpie for wanting new things all the time and the oldest isn’t particularly fussed about ‘stuff’.

Edited to add. My eldest lived in the night garden and waybuloo so had lots of those toys but my youngest suddenly got into ra ra the noisy lion so she got a load of those toys one year for birthdays and christmases. Both lived leopard pig - think eldest loved the fact she could keep watching for quite some years. Both loved mr tumble but we didn’t have many toys for that show. We also had lots of dress up options. Youngest would get a new one now and again if she wanted a different character but we always bought big and they would wear both.

I didn't worry at that stage cos then as they get older they develop their own interest and there will be new things to buy. Even now dd1 gets certain big things that dd2 doesn't get but dd2 gets lots of different things due to hobbies and interests that dd1 doesn't. It kind of works out. But as they got older I did match up stockings etc and Xmas stuff roughly.

I think it's a difficult one.

#1 gets the new things
But then you have #2 gets the hand me downs to play with, plus gets their own stuff on top.

eg For dd1's 3rd birthday they get a bike.
When dd2 turns 3, there is no point getting a bike because they have dd1's grown out of one, so they get a pram as well.

So there is a sort of fairness there.

I'm middle one, with older sister and younger brother, and I used to find it upsetting that I didn't get things new (and dsis was very hard on things so when I got them they were pretty scrappy). as I got dsis' hand me downs - but things like clothes and other things where we had a girl version, dbro got them new too.
It did make me feel unimportant.
It's not just about not getting them new, it's also that the things were chosen because they were what dsis wanted (and we had different tastes) so again that feeling that my likes were less important.

Now I have 3 dc, and the same thing: 2 girls and then a boy.
What I'd do would be get an addition to the older one's pass me down (eg if a bike she might have a basket she'd chosen).
But also a lot of stuff, especially when the girls were small were 2nd hand anyway, and dd1 tended to be very careful with her stuff, so we didn't have either dd1 choosing and dd2 not nor the stuff being fairly much trashed before dd2 got it.

My daughters are 4 years apart… so there might have been a clearer boundary between what was good for one and the other… but I did put things away… e.g 1yr old- mega blocks are suitable… 5yr old was getting into Lego… so the Duplo went away… when little one got to 2/2.5… the mega blocks got sold, little one got a small themed duplo set that they would like… e.g Minnie Mouse themed to open at Christmas/birthday… and then the other duplo would be placed into the playroom the week after so they could play with it all. My big daughter had ‘all’ the Baby Annabelle stuff… pram, swinging chair, potty etc… when she was too big for the pram I bought both girls a new pram for Christmas- size appropriate and then sold all of the other bundle of stuff. You will find that the like different things as the get older… my youngest never had anything Barbie… she wasn’t interested… the little one loved and had lots… Can you get your 5 year old to choose 5 things to get rid of before birthday and Christmas to make space… and if you think your youngest would like them/benefit from having them, then put them away and reintroduce at a later date

Sorry but this was the way we all once lived. Younger kids got fhe bigger kids clothes and toys unless they were worn out and broken.

Both will probably still play with prams for a while so maybe you could get the little one her own

It balances out as they get older I found - younger DS had different interests e.g guitar and lessons £££, more fashion conscious so much more spent on clothes etc

I agree with the less is more approach too.

My GC, but the same principle, as I keep the toys at mine (in agreement with parents as stuff gets lost or trashed at home). I usually buy one toy and a card game for birthdays or Christmas, then focus more on experiences, like a day trip, theatre tickets or a holiday. He loves his adventures with his grandma.

As the youngest this is bringing back memories. Having hand me downs is just something that happens, if they’re in good condition I don’t think there’s any problem with it especially when they’re young. The one thing I would say is allow them to have different interests/ want different things. I always remember my friend having an older sister who liked all the ‘boy’ things whereas she was a girlie girl who loved pink. She was forced to have a ‘boy’ bike etc because they didn’t want to buy another one. So her sister got the version of everything that she wanted while my friend was forced to have things she hated. Moments like that are one where I’d say you just have to bite the bullet and buy another version. It’s important they both learn to share.

Just buy her a new pushchair. She has to share her sister's so get her one for herself. They aren't expensive.

We have a 19 month old and are on holiday and somehow lost the bag with all her toys that we packed on our journey. She has been so happy playing with the boxes in the recycling and putting the firewood in and out of the basket, for about 2 weeks now lol. They don’t need heaps of toys! Just cut back for both of them and make what they do get special :)

If you’re looking for a gift for the youngest that they can both play with I got this as a joint present for my 1yo and 4yo niece/nephew recently (who have a big family and own pretty much every toy you can imagine) and they loved it. https://www.argos.co.uk/product/7088609?utm_custom6=PLA&deeplink=true&gclsrc=aw.ds&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:629-618-1342%7Ccid:20368907733%7Cagid:%7Ctid:%7Ccrid:%7Cnw:x%7Crnd:12725462057155788498%7Cdvc:m%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1006886&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20368907733&utm_term=7088609&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=629-618-1342&GPDP=true&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19671806872&gbraid=0AAAAAD9II9lyG0WtQJeIK7uWnfz-mNYoq]
(I have suggested an experience gift or money/ vouchers but their parents prefer I get them an actual gift.)

Consumables - bubble bath, bath crayons (actually bath toys generally go manky after a while and need replacing so that could be a good shout if you want a "thing"), paints, play doh

Experiences - annual zoo/safari park/farm/aquarium membership. Theatre show e.g. Julia Donaldson play. Theme park.

I have 2 girls with a similar gap, older than yours now. I found that there was always some slightly different interests for the youngest one where I could get new toys, books and occasionally items of clothing or shoes where the eldest's weren't the right colour or style. Now they are a bit older their colouring is completely different and I think they will be different body sizes too so I can see that in the future the youngest will want more of her own clothes. They do slightly different activities too, so for example the youngest does gymnastics so got some new gymnastics clothes for her birthday. It is hard though. But you don't have to go crazy with stuff, and (counterintuitively) I do recommend when buying clothes for the eldest trying to think about whether the colours will suit the youngest. You don't really want an entire wardrobe of clothes that doesn't work for the youngest, after all.

I have 3 daughters (DD7 and twins4) and have the same issue. Too be honest its really hard. A couple of things we do

1. We have the playroom which is generally shared toys. For Christmas we will get something that they all love as a shared present.
2. In their bedrooms are some personal toys they want as their own.
3. for Christmas/birthday is DD7 will choose some of her old toys to gift to her sister's and she will wrap them and gift. Her younger sisters actually love this as they so look up to their sister
4. We have done a lot of bigger gifts for all of them ie Toni box, trampoline, playhouse, play equipment, paddling pool, ice-cream shop, doll station, puppets, made a craft table etc
5. We do days outs as gifts. And for the twins first birthday I asked family for money to put together annual membership at a local farm park attraction.

Also after each birthday and Christmas I insist we do a charity shop run and get a large box and the children have to fill it with toys they would like to give to other children.

Yeah it’s a problem. For DC1 we bought a lot of stuff because we didn’t have toys yet. Now it’s shared but DC1 still thinks it is morally hers.

Bikes etc we have kept outside of birthdays and buy second hand, so there is less issue with the expectation to pass them on.