AIBU to consider divorce after years of financial lies and deceit

[Yazmine2000]

Over the last 5 years, my husband had been creating false HMRC bills which I had been paying to 'help' him. This came up to just under 30k. He has also racked up credit card debt (45k) and taken extra equity out of the home without my knowledge or consent(90k). He insisted at first that he had no knowledge of where the 90k equity had gone. It's only after contacting the conveyancing company sent evidence to show the money had gone to him that he 'remembered' getting the money. He then said he would not have done it without my consent. He also said it was used for home renovations at the time but hasn't yet shown me fully where all the money went. I personally cannot agree to take 90k out without even thinking of how to pay it back, so I feel he is lying about this. It's also come to light that where 2 signatures were required, he used his email address and a shared email address, rather than my direct email address. In addition to this, he sent me emails but omitted information to cover up his tracks. At that time, I had a lot of things going on so can honestly say I was not on the ball. Looking at dates, at one point, he was doing this when I had a lot going on, ie, new baby, sick/dying parents.

The strange thing is the money could have been asked for and given. He lies all the time - even with smaller things and has always found it hard to show emotional vulnerability and be open and honest with me. What I want to know is, what are the chances that he will change? I have known something was off for the last 9 years and it's all coming to light now. Should I just walk away now? He seems to only tells the truth once caught. He says he loves me but I cannot quantify this as love. Why did he steal and lie? Why from me? I suggested because I was gullible and he knew I had money set aside. He says it was about him and his issues and insecurities.

In his 'defence', he said he was struggling financially and found it hard to deal with. I understand financial struggles, but to steal, manipulate and lie? Especially from a person you supposedly love? I recently (last month) asked him to provide credit card statements to show he paid the HMRC the 'money owed'. He got them delivered, falsified the HMRC payments to make it look like he paid the HMRC and popped it back into the post, shredding the originals. All of this baring in mind HMRC don't accept credit card payments and haven't done so since 2018. Again, only admitting the payments were false once caught.

I am all over the place. After marriage, kids and history of 20 years together, I wonder if it's tine for me to call it a day? Has anyone been in this situation? I'm asking for a separation and considering a divorce. Am I being unreasonable to consider these things?

Could he have other secret accounts op? That he's transferring into? How far back do the statements you've seen go and are you sure they're legit?

My first thought too.

and it NEVER gets better. He will keep stealing to feed his addiction until you are BOTH ruined completely. And then he will just feel even more sorry for himself, with no care for you or the kids.

Get the best legal and financial advice you can, divorce the lying criminal fucker and protect your children’s future as best you can.

It’s an insane situation and you need to get out as soon as possible before he does even more damage.

Have you checked your credit reports recently OP?

It must be such a shock, I'm not surprised that you feel sick.

Pat yourself on the back for getting on with sorting it out though, I'd be a snivelling wreck. ❤

It must be such a shock, I'm not surprised that you feel sick.

Pat yourself on the back for getting on with sorting it out though, I'd be a snivelling wreck. ❤

OP, aside from complaining to the original conveyancer, I’d also consider reporting him to action fraud to investigate further. You don’t know what you don’t know here, and how much deeper it could go. He has seemingly committed multiple criminal offences and I would absolutely be looking to protect yourself here.

Great advice.

Thank you. Your words have really struck a cord. Reading and crying asking myself why he would do this? I couldn't do this to a stranger let alone someone I love.

OP I know you said you need to continue to have him in your life as you share children, but that is not a reason not to report him for committing crimes.

Firstly he thought it was ok to defraud the mother of his children and take money from her and by extension them, can you really put that behind you?

Also how sure are you it is only you that has been defrauded - what about elderly relatives, friends etc.. Do your children have any savings accounts he has access to? It may seem low but let me reiterate he has stolen over a hundred thousand pounds from his wife and the mother of his children and doesn't even seem that repentant about it.

Also not to try and scare you but with the mortgage fraud it is not just you a crime has been committed against - it is also the bank and possibly the legal firm. You know about it now, you can't just ignore it otherwise, worst case scenario, you might also be implicated.

Don’t worry about what he’s spent it on

just worry about yourself and getting through this difficult time and loving yourself and being proud of yourself

God I feel for you op. He has really done a number on your all. Hes a fraudster.

At this point, I wouldn't rule out him having another account somewhere.

I am a wreck, so there's that! He seems to think that he is changing and we can work it out. Smh.

He's attempting to give you enough of a sob story so you get off his case. There's a lot more to come to light. Time to lose your cool.

He’s a good lier - you now know that - don’t fall for it but let him believe you might

I think you should go to the police. This is fraud. Deliberate, preplanned fraud. Get what evidence you can together and go see a solicitor.
What a nasty piece of work he is, he's set you up as a mark, taken advantage when he knew you had your eyes off the ball, lied to you, hidden documents, forged your signature.
Of course he won't "change", this is his modus operandi. he doesn't love you or respect you.
I felt quite sick reading this, I can't believe you are asking if he can change.
I don't think you fully understand how these things work. When you talk about him remortgaging, how he can he remortgage alone? Taking the equity out of your house to pay for his debts, wtf? Please go and see a solicitor and work out how to protect your own interests.

Thanks so much, I appreciate it.

Have you thought about asking him to do a credit report? You can do them online (info on MSE). I would suggest you do it together so he can't falsify it. It will show every debt, current or historic, including CCJs, and will show all credit accounts too. I would also recommend you do one for yourself. My now exH tried to obtain credit cards and loans in my name. The searches showed on my credit report. He got my birthday wrong so the applications failed.

He was a lying, cheating, abusive husband too. Life is much better without him.

See a solicitor and possibly a financial advisor ASAP before you agree to a joint remortgage. To my mind all you're doing would be making yourself responsible for his debt and liable for paying it off yourself if he decides not to contribute to the payment. This advice goes for ANYTHING that involves his finances and debt 'touching' your finances.

Separate any joint finances immediately. My DS1 (they had sep finances) was advised to move all his finances to a different bank so his STBX wouldn't know where they were. He was NOT planning on 'playing funny' to avoid a fair settlement, it was a safety measure to keep her from taking out loans or credit cards where he had money. Caveat: this was in the US where responsibility for marital debt is different than the UK.

At the moment your credit rating is linked to his by a shared address, shared ownerhip of the marital home and your marital status. The only way you can divest yourself of this connection is via divorce, otherwise the credit card company can put a charge on your house and force the sale to recover funds.

This is spot on, OP. By not ending the marriage, I'm afraid you are putting yourself at risk of losing even more than you have already.

@DelphiniumBlue exactly - with AML laws it is much harder to commit mortgage fraud these days.

OP this wasn't a spur of the moment madness like taking your bank card or purse - he must have deliberately and meticulously planned to lie to you and a number of professionals. As you say, you know he capable or pre planned forgery as he forged tax demands for HMRC to get money out of you the first time.

I hope you immediately said "No!".

No-one can tell you what you should do or predict the future but it seems very unlikely that he will fundamentally change his behaviour, or his attitude to you as a cash cow.
Please protect yourself and your DC from any further financial abuse, which is a crime.

I have nothing helpful to offer other than a hand-hold OP. What I’ve read is horrific - a complete betrayal. Peace will come eventually, but you need to find your ice cold fury here. Start the war, divorce this liar and thief, and peace will eventually come, but not yet.

There is work to do. Do NOT trust him to be honest with you or anyone. We are 100% behind you.

If he's addicted to gambling, as several of us on here suspect, it is an addiction just as much as an addiction to alcohol or heroin.

A former addict who was once a client of mine likened his substance addiction to being possessed by demons. By this, he meant that it takes over all the control, restraint and judgment that you have. Everything else takes second place to appeasing those "demons", which can only be done by getting more of whatever you're addicted to.

I shared this (anonymously, of course) with a client battling gambling addiction and they agreed that this was a very accurate metaphor. It's entirely possible that this spending was not an altogether conscious choice. If it turns out that this is the underlying issue, you may find Gam-Anon, who help the families of gambling addicts, a good source of support.

This is criminal behaviour.