AIBU to consider divorce after years of financial lies and deceit

[Yazmine2000]

Over the last 5 years, my husband had been creating false HMRC bills which I had been paying to 'help' him. This came up to just under 30k. He has also racked up credit card debt (45k) and taken extra equity out of the home without my knowledge or consent(90k). He insisted at first that he had no knowledge of where the 90k equity had gone. It's only after contacting the conveyancing company sent evidence to show the money had gone to him that he 'remembered' getting the money. He then said he would not have done it without my consent. He also said it was used for home renovations at the time but hasn't yet shown me fully where all the money went. I personally cannot agree to take 90k out without even thinking of how to pay it back, so I feel he is lying about this. It's also come to light that where 2 signatures were required, he used his email address and a shared email address, rather than my direct email address. In addition to this, he sent me emails but omitted information to cover up his tracks. At that time, I had a lot of things going on so can honestly say I was not on the ball. Looking at dates, at one point, he was doing this when I had a lot going on, ie, new baby, sick/dying parents.

The strange thing is the money could have been asked for and given. He lies all the time - even with smaller things and has always found it hard to show emotional vulnerability and be open and honest with me. What I want to know is, what are the chances that he will change? I have known something was off for the last 9 years and it's all coming to light now. Should I just walk away now? He seems to only tells the truth once caught. He says he loves me but I cannot quantify this as love. Why did he steal and lie? Why from me? I suggested because I was gullible and he knew I had money set aside. He says it was about him and his issues and insecurities.

In his 'defence', he said he was struggling financially and found it hard to deal with. I understand financial struggles, but to steal, manipulate and lie? Especially from a person you supposedly love? I recently (last month) asked him to provide credit card statements to show he paid the HMRC the 'money owed'. He got them delivered, falsified the HMRC payments to make it look like he paid the HMRC and popped it back into the post, shredding the originals. All of this baring in mind HMRC don't accept credit card payments and haven't done so since 2018. Again, only admitting the payments were false once caught.

I am all over the place. After marriage, kids and history of 20 years together, I wonder if it's tine for me to call it a day? Has anyone been in this situation? I'm asking for a separation and considering a divorce. Am I being unreasonable to consider these things?

He’s a thief, surely his actions are fraud?
Get legal advice, take legal action and get rid. He will not change he will only get worse.

Good luck.

Mate, you have to leave him. He's not just cheating you out of a load of money, but he's committing fraud. You do NOT want to be part of this. I'm sorry but he's obviously got some serious gambling addiction or similar and you need to protect yourself and your kids before he ruins all of you.

Is the new mortgage in your name as well? If so, I would advise you contact your mortgage provider asap and tell them you have been a victim of mortgage fraud. Banks are much more up to speed with financial abuse and coercive control than they used to be.

Well our wages would have gone into it to pay bills and then I would give him a stipend. In all honesty, we could do this and he could STILL start taking out loans...so as I am responding to you it's unlikely I'll bother.

It would be, but I was doing that to get back the money he stole. Atm I am not going to but will get legal advice.

OP do you have any idea where this money has gone? Does he have a job or run a business that pays for his contribution to day today expenses. To hammer the point home, he has spent more than our total mortgage and you dont seem to know what on. That is a huge amount of money.

You must see the "home renovations" excuse for remortgaging is horse shit - you would surely notice if your house needed £90ks worth of renovations.

It is actually worse that you don't know where the money has gone as that could indicate drug use, use of prostitutes, and/or gambling - all of which are addictions that take years of dedicated work to recover from. It could also indicate participation and investment in illicit or criminal activity.

Exit this union at an expedited pace.

We did purchase a property and renovated it from scratch, but some money came from the sale of the house sold, some from savings but he CANNOT for certain account for where the money went. I used to keep records but he took it over and went paperless. Now look...

@Yazmine2000 No I am not talking about your idea to remortgage to settle his debts to you (which BTW is a terrible idea). You said in your OP that he had taken £90k equity out of the house which he could not account for- the only way he could have done this was by borrowing more money against it - ie remortgaging.

There will be £90k more debt added to the mortgage you are both currently paying. If you did not consent to this then it is fraud.

Do not make any big financial decisions (like remortaging). Seek support from a solicitor as soon as possible and plan your exit. This man doesn’t have the capacity to be an equal partner to you or be transparent and trustworthy. The lengths he’s gone to in order to get money out of you are shocking.

Edited to add - do a full credit check on yourself as soon as possible, as I wouldn’t be surprised if he had taken things out in your name.

I am so sorry to hear what hear what he has done to you, it must be a terrible shock. He is financially abusing you which is coercive control and fraud. You need to report him for the fraud and forging yourr details to the conveyancing company/bank and Report Fraud. You can speak to your local Women's Aid and Domestic Abuse Unit for advice and support. I would recommend contacting CIFAS to apply for a Protective Registration which would help protect against him applying for credit etc in your name without your knowledge. Contact a solicitor asap to protect you and your children before he takes any more money fromnthe family pot and drags you down with him. He will not change and won't be able to repay the money as he has probably already frittered it away so you need to protect yourself immediately.

@Chocolateistheanswer2026
Good advice here. This is abuse.

OP, please do not do anything else about re-mortgaging until you have spoken to a solicitor. Re-mortgaging is unlikely to help you and may make matters more difficult, especially if there is an early payment penalty should the house have to be sold.

Generally, when finances are sorted out upon divorce, particularly a long marriage with children involved, it does not matter which one of you has physical control of money and other assets. All matrimonial assets and debts will be taken into account when calculating what is available to divide up between the two parties. Consequently, re-mortgaging the house so that he can repay a debt to you, is likely to be pointless.

Sometimes, (and it has to be said rarely), bad conduct will be taken into account by the court when determining what is a fair split. If what you have said is found to be true, this may be a case where your husband's fraud and wanton dissipation of assets is taken into account. He may not want a court to explore his behaviour and therefore be more willing to agree to a settlement more favourable to you. On the other hand, he may dig in his heels and you may need a forensic accountant. But court proceedings and forensic accountants etc do not come cheap, and your decisions on how to proceed will depend upon how much is in your "matrimonial pot".

Please do not stay with this man. Things will not get any better for you and the children, and may well get much worse. For example, if you are likely to get an inheritance whilst still together, you may end up having to share that. Act now.

Please do get outside help. It also needs to be reported to the police.

I would absolutely not stay.

OP - am i correct in thinking the total of the issues are:

• £45k credit card debt - awful financial management and lack of transparency but if the card is in his name only this is his issue and not a crime (although as his wife you have every right to be furious).

• £30k he was given by you to pay debts to HMRC which he evidenced by showing you forged tax demands - this is a crime - he has obtained money from you by deception and forged official documents.

• £90k he took from the house - ie he secured a loan on it or added more debt to the mortgage - if the loan or mortgage is also in your name and you did not consent to it or were tricked in to signing papers he has committed fraud against you and the financial institution who lent him the money - this is a crime.

Worse still, he cannot account for what he has spent £165k on. So you are married to a spendthrift and criminal who is prepared to defraud his own wife. Further more given the huge amounts it is unlikely to be accounted for by long term over spending or poor money management - so there may be further issues uncovered like drugs or gambling.

There is nothing you can salvage about this situation.

This would mean you wouldn’t be able to remortgage anyway@Yazmine2000, because it looks like he has beat you to it. I hope not.

Now you are getting legal advice. It is not going to be a nice journey but your life isn’t nice now. This is the only way to put a stop to this.

Don’t let him just walk away from this, which could tie you up in years and years of acrimony.

OP you have to stop rationalising away the deceit and financial abuse. There is no way to balance this argument.

Leave him - More is going to come to light when you start divorce proceedings.

As always: When people show you who they are believe them.

Run.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. There is no justification for your husband's actions. Systematic deceit goes to the root of the relationship. What you do next is a matter for you. Personally, I would file for divorce, report him to the police and inform HMRC.

I added him to my BTL property because at the time I was not working and pregnant. It was a difficult pregnancy and my eye was not on the financial ball. He was only ever supposed to come on in name, nothing else! He then took the equity out of the BTL. I don't remember agreeing to this and if I had, I would have said no because we could have asked for the money and paid it back - either way - I cannot agree to borrow even £15 without thinking about paying it back, let alone 90k. When questioned about the money, he produced a completion statement in 2025 with the 90k absorbed into the property.....showing the value had gone up...like a fool, I went to the conveyancing company thinking they had taken the 90k. Its only when escalated they showed an email trail of him asking when the money would hit his account. This was in 2018. Now in 2026 he said he wouldn't have done it without my consent...my thing is IF I had agreed to it, why complete a dodgy completion statement? I'm not IT literate but the 2025 documentation was produced in 2025 and the original completion statement produced in 2018. He is adamant he did not falsify the 2025 documentation....though the question is: who would benefit from that? His pattern is repetitive.

I am very sorry you are faced with this but I too suggest you consider reporting to the police.

I have also found the land registry helpline very good- as a start strongly recommend you sign up for their alerts on the marital home. Link here:
propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/

The problem you are facing OP is that in divorce proceedings, there is no longer yours and his. It ALL belongs to the marriage. His debts included.

You'll have to come up to an agreement that both of you think is fair, but if you do this through the courts, it could end costing an absolute fortune.

It's a proper mess, you really need to face up now and do what you can to minimise the damage.

All of this - and if he has forged documents, you should actually consider going to the police with evidence and report him. A criminal conviction would mean you may be able to sue for the moneys back from his half of any shared assets (the house) completely separately to any financial settlement attendant to a divorce.

He is putting your DC’s home and security at risk, making all of you vulnerable, and what ever he is spending it on is concerning as you cannot actually evidence what it is on. It sounds as though he may have narcissistic personality disorder underlying his drive or a personality disorder that is fuelling his expenditure.

At the moment your credit rating is linked to his by a shared address, shared ownerhip of the marital home and your marital status. The only way you can divest yourself of this connection is via divorce, otherwise the credit card company can put a charge on your house and force the sale to recover funds.

I think the time for balance and compassion is well-passed when it puts you and your family at risk and he has committed a crime to extort money from you.

Please seriously consider speaking to the police today to understand your options. And also seek legal advice as to how to proceed divorce/finance-wise.

@Yazmine2000 right so the equity he took wasn't from your main home but a BTL property you own but have also added his name to - so you now own it jointly?

If you did not consent to that remortgage then yes he has committed mortgage fraud.

Was the BtL property mortgage free or if there was already a mortgage on it you were paying. In either situation how had you not noticed you were now paying a higher mortgage on this property?

You can't just "take" £90k equity out of a property -in order to access equity in a property you either have to sell it or someone (a bank usually) has to lend you the £90K in return for securing a debt on that property, usually in the form of a mortgage.

You talk about a conveyancer who passed money on - has he sold the property without your consent or was the conveyancer just doing a mortgage valuation on it for the bank? I know you have had a horrible shock but you seem to have a very tenuous grip on what has been going on which huge amounts of your own money and assets. You need to get on top of this to avoid be taken advantage of further.

To say upfront, I haven't read the whole thread, only the opening post.

OP - I want you to close your eyes and think about somebody you love deeply, a beloved parent or guardian or a friend that you have a deep relationship with. I want you to hold that person in your mind's eye and then seriously think about doing any one of the things you mentioned to that person?

Could you do it?

I bet you couldn't, I bet you couldn't even consider doing it, because no one who loves somebody would ever ever consider treating the people that they love this way

He has committed at least 2 crimes here