AIBU to consider divorce after years of financial lies and deceit

[Yazmine2000]

Over the last 5 years, my husband had been creating false HMRC bills which I had been paying to 'help' him. This came up to just under 30k. He has also racked up credit card debt (45k) and taken extra equity out of the home without my knowledge or consent(90k). He insisted at first that he had no knowledge of where the 90k equity had gone. It's only after contacting the conveyancing company sent evidence to show the money had gone to him that he 'remembered' getting the money. He then said he would not have done it without my consent. He also said it was used for home renovations at the time but hasn't yet shown me fully where all the money went. I personally cannot agree to take 90k out without even thinking of how to pay it back, so I feel he is lying about this. It's also come to light that where 2 signatures were required, he used his email address and a shared email address, rather than my direct email address. In addition to this, he sent me emails but omitted information to cover up his tracks. At that time, I had a lot of things going on so can honestly say I was not on the ball. Looking at dates, at one point, he was doing this when I had a lot going on, ie, new baby, sick/dying parents.

The strange thing is the money could have been asked for and given. He lies all the time - even with smaller things and has always found it hard to show emotional vulnerability and be open and honest with me. What I want to know is, what are the chances that he will change? I have known something was off for the last 9 years and it's all coming to light now. Should I just walk away now? He seems to only tells the truth once caught. He says he loves me but I cannot quantify this as love. Why did he steal and lie? Why from me? I suggested because I was gullible and he knew I had money set aside. He says it was about him and his issues and insecurities.

In his 'defence', he said he was struggling financially and found it hard to deal with. I understand financial struggles, but to steal, manipulate and lie? Especially from a person you supposedly love? I recently (last month) asked him to provide credit card statements to show he paid the HMRC the 'money owed'. He got them delivered, falsified the HMRC payments to make it look like he paid the HMRC and popped it back into the post, shredding the originals. All of this baring in mind HMRC don't accept credit card payments and haven't done so since 2018. Again, only admitting the payments were false once caught.

I am all over the place. After marriage, kids and history of 20 years together, I wonder if it's tine for me to call it a day? Has anyone been in this situation? I'm asking for a separation and considering a divorce. Am I being unreasonable to consider these things?

What a scumbag. Don’t make any changes now, concentrate on the divorce instead. He has behaved appallingly.

Just to note it’s not always gambling! In my exs case it wasn’t. He just loved paying other people’s bills! Not his own!

@Ginmonkeyagain ”In either situation how had you not noticed you were now paying a higher mortgage on this property?”

@Yazmine2000 “I used to keep all my financial documents in one place. He told me to get rid of it because everything is online. Stupidly I did, but didn't have access to certain things.”

@Yazmine2000, what do you have access to? This is really important.

You must speak to a lawyer or CAB (I’m not from Uk so not sure if they can help with the financial aspects). You need to separate your finances from this man. Then you need to divorce him.

I would be assuming there is some sort of addiction going on: gambling, spending, drugs, porn - It doesn’t really matter, this man will take more money from you and your children will, for sure, suffer.

Cant believe what I am reading here, your trust in him has had him stitch you up like a kipper.
He exploited you whilst you were most vulnerable and has been lying and producing false documents for years, did he know you had money when you met?
He sounds like a con man

The relationship is toxic and dead but I need the finances sorted.

The finances will be sorted when you get divorced. As part of the divorce you get a court order stating how finances will be settled, and what the child contact arrangements will be.

Don't do anything else: don't re-mortgage, don't have a shared bank account.
Just divorce him, ASAP.

You could go down the route of getting a forensic accountant, but what is the point if the money is all gone? He has not stashed it, he has just spent it. Blown the lot on an extravagant lifestyle for himself.

Divorce is the only way forward.
It is the only way to minimise further damage.

He is a con man and criminal and his victims are his own family. He’s disgusting

Jesus wept this bloke is an out and out tea leaf.
I think I might be taking legal advice, but obviously don't let on, keep him sweet so that he doesn't try and do a runner or make further efforts to cover his tracks.

Lady. It’s not so much the money (but really is) but the lying to get the money. Taking money out of the house and deceiving you would have been my last straw. Just take a step back and think if your best friend had told you all this about her husband. What would your advice to her be?

Then take it yourself.

Complain to the conveyancers, if this is a jointly owned property there is NO way they should’ve got that across the line with you having any knowledge. Their systems are designed to prevent that.

The divorce would be set in concrete not just something I’d be considering, and I’d want every penny he’s stolen included in the split. Are you sure you can’t get him charged with fraud? Speak to a good lawyer. And warn all the other people who know him!!

Yes I suspect this might be a criminal matter.

Agree with this.

you need to speak to the bank as how has he drawn equity from the property without you knowing. They should be good in supporting you. Then speak to a solicitor to also work through it, as you don’t want to be financially stuck. You need professional guidance which we can’t provide. Get angry with him, tell him to go and stay somewhere else! But yes, your marriage is now destroyed. But this is all on him.

This. Enough said.

Op, you say you want peace but you really need to find your anger here because you need it to protect you.

You need to go and speak to a financial advisor to work through the next steps, and a solicitor who specialises in complex family law ideally with experience of financial abuse cases.

This man will financially destroy you if you don't get out now. His behaviour is deeply abnormal. The lengths he's gone to in order to deceive you is scary. It's highly doubtful that if he can't account for the money that it's gone on renovations or things for the family. It's all pointing towards gambling addiction and financial control.

He's not your partner he is exploiting you and your kids. You are cautiously budgeting to make ends meet for you and your children and he is living the high life and spending frivolously with zero regard for the wellbeing of his family. Its profoundly selfish.

And the thing is op, he's not an idiot- he knows what he's doing, he will have known it's not okay. This is a choice that he's making repeatedly to lie, to deceive, to betray you. And worst of all he's jeapordising your stability and the roof over your heads in the process.

He won't change. Especially since he's not actually being fully accountable even now he's trying to minimise the gravity of what he's done and hide bits from you. Change only happens with complete transparency and ongoing engagement with support. He's not doing any of that work.

I would not be remortgaging with him, I'd be demanding access to all bank statements relating to any family money spending now, I'd be seeking legal advice and financial advice on how best to protect your remaining assets and see what you can reclaim without tying yourself to him further and I would be divorcing him and starting over with your kids. That is where you find your peace op. The process in between unfortunately cannot be peaceful, but peace will come eventually if you do the hard part now. To stay with him would mean tying yourself to him more, jeapordising every bit of stability you have in your life, jeapordising your kids security and inheritance and you'd be watching him over your shoulder for the rest of your life. Absolutely no way to live. I'm so sorry he's done this. You deserve so, so much better and you will be just fine on your own without him.

With this level of deceipt I don't really see how your relation ship could be viable- you will never be able to trust a word he says, including those about feelings.

I 100% think he is a liar, forger and this is all a police matter.
Absolutely shocking.
You poor woman.

That is an astonishing amount of money to get through and the degree of deception is horrifying.

I wouldn't take his word for it that that is everything. I'd want to see an Experian report or similar, and I'd get one for myself just in case he'd borrowed in my name, too.

I'm afraid this would be the end of the marriage for me, not so much because of the spending, but because of the lying etc.

Gambling was my first thought, too. Online gambling has made it so easy, and easy to conceal.

I once had a client who burned through £7k in one night of online bingo. She did it as revenge against her partner, when she found out that he'd lost a load of money in some other form of online gambling.

I'd bloody ban it if I had my way, it leads to so much fucking misery. At least when you had to go out to waste money it made it less instant and more hassle.

Yes this would be ideal if it were a neighbour. This is someone who I have kids with so I have to conduct myself in a reasonable manner. Even legally, there would be implications for me if he lost his job etc etc.

When my late DP and I had to remortgage to buy out my ex, we both had to meet with the financial adviser who was arranging it, and give proof of identity.before the application went in.

@Yazmine2000

What I want to know is, what are the chances that he will change?

Nil.

I'm wondering whether giving this thread air time in the Legal Matters section of MN might get some useful responses?

I wished it was that, but there's no spending of it on his statements...I'd even suspected another woman but he rarely goes out. I'd even considered blackmail but at this point I'm trying to account for it and its not making sense.

Omg, I didn't even realise that existed here. Thank you, I will!