AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

You're not old, what - 50s? Perhaps you retired too soon. There's certainly a lot going on here. I think your sister did you a favour.

I’ve never come across an OP that has so much irrelevant information in it. Haven’t RTFT, did anyone work out what the first son’s specific graduate scheme and the other son’s exact gap year plans have to do with whether the OP and her husband drink too much?

Separately, I’m somewhat surprised (and impressed) that you can drink this much. I’m 20 years younger and struggle when I have a social event that involves alcohol 3 nights in a row. And 3 glasses of wine at the pub = falling asleep in the uber home.

You're a bit young to down size and those kids will be bouncing back and forth for a few years yet.

You're facing an empty nest, that's hard so don't underestimate it.

We sold our business when DH was mid fifties I was 50. He had his hobbies and the smallholding. I carried on working part time, three days a week.

We down sized when youngest was 16 and other two married. DH hated it for a few years but has adjusted. Torn rotor cuffs, arthritis do tend to slow you down.

So you binge drink?

Hmmm... you're obviously on the vino right now. OK, it's a Saturday night... but be honest with yourself, does being drunk at home on the sofa really bring you so much enjoyment that it's worth the headache and the health risks? Don't you just feel a bit down and groggy when you drink at home alone? I know I do... Drinking with friends is fun and exciting, but for me, drinking at home alone or just with DH is just a bit sad and depressing... (And all the more so when I've seen what low-level alcoholism can do to people).

I think you’re opening up and understanding that you do in fact have a drink problem. The fact you only enjoy the sex when your husband has been drinking is really, really sad.
You don’t need to be drinking at 10am to be an alcoholic. I think you’ve got enough advice and opinions here OP and they’re all much and much the same type of response. I’m not saying go and talk to Frank but maybe be more mindful. Swap it for alcohol free or try and have 3-4 nights alcohol free.

Your posts certainly seem as though you’ve consumed a fair amount of alcohol tonight OP. It may be best to go to bed and look at this afresh with a clear head tomorrow.

There is judgment here I didn’t post about my chcilden to show that we are better or anything of that sort more so just to show that they’re moving on with their lives and parenting isn’t really something that we do anymore they’re adults they make their own decisions. My husband and I don’t have much going on for us we have more money that sense at time I wish we had more going for us but we dont we’ve had to Adlap and I guess alcohol has been our methoddddd ofn adapting. He barelyu looks at me when we have sex sober but when he’s drunk he does so I don’t mind when he drinks we have a great time

Yes. Have a cuppa or a glass of water and get to bed.

I really hope that neither of you drive.

Your sister is right, You know she is right. You don't care. Crack on

I call bullshit. It’s obvious she’s trying to say her children have achieved despite ( because ??)) of their lifestyle and her questions re drinking are something many people grapple with.

op tone it down a few days a week. Book a spa break with your husband and have a more wholesome time together -you’ll be fine.

This☝️Definitely bed time! I have been out with friends and had three beers ,am feeling relaxed and in bed drinking a cup of tea !

My husband won’t tone it down he likes drinking and going out and socialising

Are you being deliberately ridiculous? Totally normal to over-cater for guests - or do you force your guests to eat and drink EVERYTHING you have provided.

So do you though.

I do but I know he would never tone it down he’s always been like this

I never have guests, cos I don’t drink and live a fabulously boring life!
but hey thanks for totally missing the point

Sometimes though, it’s quality, not quantity that counts.

If you both drink alcohol almost every night then yes it’s too much and your sister is right to be concerned. Count up your weekly units.

Well if he’s still able to do high intensity cycle rides maybe at the moment he doesn’t need to? You know how your body is feeling? No judgment from me - we are similar and have a great marriage of over 30 years and adore each other but we have toned it down mid week and feel better and look better for it.

Ah we're all entitled to a pity party now and again I had a few in my fifties.

You don't have to be joined at the hip I finally worked out. You can do your own thing. There'll be some grumbling possibly.

Go find yourself @ByJollyQuail you have the time and money .

A lifelong habit. Do you feel able to discuss it with him?

I think you probably have wider problems here than just the booze OP. No judgement from me, I have been there. It might help you to talk this all through with someone and try to take a few weeks off drinking to clear your head.

Liver disease is very much not quality of life

You do have responsibilities though. You have a responsibility to yourselves and to each other, if you want to continue to enjoy your lives in good health, and a responsibility to be around to have a good, uncomplicated relationship with your sons as adults. It does sound as if you're consistently drinking way above the believed safe limits. You might get away with it; you might not. As you get older, the chances of being unscathed become less and less.

You don't have to be an alcoholic to drink harmfully.