AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

Not mine tks.
I have a fabulous time without drinking 7 nights a week.
How fucking boring that must be. Id hate it.

Christ OP your posts last night set my teeth on edge. The typos, the denial, the rambling, the what harm am I doing, the defensiveness is I'm sorry to say, my alcoholic family member to a T. It all functioned ok when their children were teenagers, but now those children are in their 30s and 40s with families of their own and have a very dysfunctional relationship with their family member who's relationship with alcohol has gradually worsened to the point they have been hospitalised to dry out/broken bones/smashed up face/black eyes. They dont see some of their grandchildren and children, and have a VERY distant realtionship with the others.

Please OP take a good hard look at your drinking and reign it in a little. You sound unhappy during this life transition but the answer will not be found in a bottle.of wine. Please dont end up like my family, middle class professionals, lovely home and its all gone and theres no going back.

Interestingly 28 was the old limit for men and 21 for women.
I did some comms work for the Dept of Health and the precise figures had no scientific basis - they made them up because they needed some numbers and they sounded reasonable.
14/14 has come from more research and the requirement to equalise men and women. And there is evidence alluded to here that more than that, paced over the week puts your health at risk. It’s up to you whether the risk is worth it in terms of your QoL definitions.
In international terms we’re in the middle, with some outliers that say you shouldn’t drink at all because it’s harmful.
It was only in the 1960s that French kids stopped having wine with lunch at school!

But in her case, her husband performs better so arousal and dryness aren’t a problem.

Crikey, in less than 24 hours this went from delightful middle class life with art, good wine, good food, good friends, great husband, to lonely, miserable life with crazy insane husband who is rubbish in bed unless he's drunk. Either someone is practicing their creative writing skills or those issues were very much only just under the surface. If the first, more subtlety is required. If the latter, please seek some help - you are unlikely to be able to kick, or even reduce, the alcohol without dealing with those issues.

@ByJollyQuail

Yes.

I am pointing out another negative effect of alcohol which the thread is about, for everyones benefit, there being a lot of discussion .
I havent waded through all 600 messages or analysed that, but am commenting about drinking to excess.
Yes the affects of alcohol excess can involve many systems in the body both male or female.

You need to give your liver a break from alcohol a few days a week , it's not good for your health. It sounds increasingly like you are drinking to fill a void which is not healthy.
You need to find a more constructive way to fill the void, hobbies, volunteering, learning something, socialising that doesn't involve alcohol eg. Meeting a friend for a walk or coffee. A part time job.
My grandparents couldn't work out what to do with their retirement either and if you rang them after about 7pm they were always pissed, every day. It was sad and uncomfortable.

You're a heavy drinker but not an alcoholic. If you want to you can try to have three alcohol free days a week that might be healthy.

I really recommend this. Me and an ex did it and used the drinkaware app to log everything for a few weeks and my ex realised he was drinking way too much and a lot more than he realised. We're both quite healthy conscious so it changed a lot how we drink to this day.

My current partner is teetotal due to his mum being an alcoholic, and he freaks out if I have more than a glass of wine, so I understand feeling unnecessarily judged but honestly units can add up quickly. Now I drink hardly anything I find even one glass can make me feel a bit rubbish the next day.

Unfortunately I agree. It's become pretty hostile and people not being able to see any shades of grey. You're 30 years married. I get it because I'm 27 years the same and I'm only 47. You're lucky your husband drinks. My husband became teetotal 10 years ago and I feel like I'm living with a 60 year old l crocheting lesbian. At least you guys are having sex and some fun. Life is short and to be enjoyed. It's hard to be in such close proximity to one person for so long despite our love for them!

But the the OP tells us it’s every night 🤷‍♀️

You and DH are clearly not hurting anyone else or acting badly when drinking. But it's not good for your health.
I hope you all aren't driving next morning!!
I wouldn't be able to make it downstairs, never mind to my car!

I lived in France for an extended period about 25 years ago. All the stuff about everyone quaffing red wine with every evening meal is total guff, a myth.

I say……..fuck em all!!!! We only live once and I think you’ve got the perfect balance. Take no notice…….its got nothing to do with anyone else how you and you DH live your lives x

The more I read this thread, I feel that it has been slightly er fabricated?
The very obvious issue that the OP fails to see. The initial flurry of posts. The refusal to state how many units per day.
then the increasingly dramatic and erratic posts with the spelling mistakes.
Then the radio silence today. Whether it’s real or not, I’m struggling to see the point of it all?

The recommended weekly limit is 14 units spread over several days with at least 2 days a week being alcohol free. A bottle of wine contains 10 units, a pint of beer is approx. 2 units, 25 ml of spirits is one unit. Count up your average weekly units and see for yourself if you have a problem or not 🤔

OP, one suggestion. Ask your adult children if they think you drink too much. Just that question. No explanation or excuses or prevarication or talk of what your husband drinks. Just “do you think I drink too much? Please answer me truthfully”.
Then listen to exactly what they say and act on it. They have your best interests at heart and want you to stay well.

Digging back, I found this in the Spectator, in 2016

In 1979, the government advised men to drink no more than 56 units of alcohol a week. This was later reduced to 36 units, then 28 units and then 21 units. Last month, the Chief Medical Officer reduced it once again, this time to 14 units. Upon announcing this, she also asserted that there is no safe level of drinking and that the health benefits of moderate alcohol consumption were ‘an old wives tale’.

edit - no country in the world has exactly the same guidelines as the uk.
No one actually knows the real risks

She really doesn't need platitudes, though. Nothing was getting through to her so people were losing patience with her. If you had bothered to read all her posts you would have seen how dire her situation is. She cannot think of anything at all to do with her time that doesn't revolve around drinking, either alone or with her husband. Reading her posts, as she gradually got drunker and drunker through the evening, was an eye opener, as was her eventual descent into belligerence.

The OP answered her own question in the last part of her original message...'now i'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking....etc.'
Spot on.
Probably wfh doesnt help, but maybe hoping she would get some support ie fine carry on boozing (it is addictive, so you will prefer to hear that..) , then blame your sister for caring.

There are a few here encouraging her on a harmful path, but very few here.

You are 20 times more likely to be breathalysed in France as the police need no reason to stop you. Despite this, drink related road deaths in France are double uk.

Interesting, if true.

French tested 109 drivers per 1000 population in 2021, compared to 5 per 1000 in Britain. Spain and Portugal also over 100

Sounds like you're enjoying your retirement and living life to the full, it's your life for living not anyone else's, I'd say thanks for the concern but you're happy making your own choices.