AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

Agree. Reported.

Obvious sudden style change. Promising start. 3/10 OP.

...eeek. have just read the updates. It looks like you do have a good liftstyle, but something is missing for you.

It sounds like you feel your value is dictated by how much you can do for people; your husband, your kids, your guests, but when they're not here to be a vessel for you affection and maternal feelings, you feel a bit lacking in purpose or direction and this makes you feel sad.

Either way, though, you should seriously think about reducing your alcohol consumption

Well that took a turn.

Let's say your doctor told you next week that you have a life threatening condition that's been caught early enough to be controlled but you MUST stop drinking alcohol immediately. Could you do it? How hard would it be? What about your husband, in the same situation? That's a better indication of addiction than how much you drink, or how often.

A few potential red flags here: (1) you're worried enough about your sister's comments that you've posted here, (2) you're classifying drinking as its own activity, like you do it instead of something else rather than to enhance your enjoyment of, say, a meal or a party or a picnic, (3) 30/40 bottles for 22 people - buying bulk is fine but if it that was the real estimate for one night, it's much more than most people would allocate, and (4) you're resistant to counting units.

I'd start counting the units and comparing them with the official recommendations and/or speaking with your doctor, AND being very honest with yourself about how you'd feel about the idea of not drinking or drinking a lot less. Once you have a better idea of whether you are addicted and/or drinking enough to significantly damage your health, you'll be in a much better position to decide what, if anything, to do about it.

In your initial post I was thinking your life sounded idyllic early retirement/phased retirement busy social life Happy grown children. There's nothing wrong with enjoying nice wine but everything has to be in moderation. Your sister might be one of those non alcohol militant types this site is full of them.

I would be worried about the drinking on your own last night though. That's something completely different to the picture you were painting in the op.

You might not be addicted to alcohol, but you can still have an unhealthy relationship with it maybe it is time for reflection. It may not be affecting your health yet, but that is less likely to be the case as you age.

Would have been much better spread out over a few weeks. Very very quick escalation, dramatic style change, clunky typos. We went from perfect, if boozy life, to insane husband, sex issues, loneliness and lack of purpose all within a few hours.

It’s like those “don’t take drugs” groups that came to my secondary school. Curious, thriving teens always became homeless, helpless addicts after they tried anything for the first time.

Obviously alcohol is unhealthy. No alcohol is safe but generally the NHS recommends under 14 units (7 medium glasses of wine) a week as a safer limit. Plus 3+ alcohol free days a week.

Alcoholic is an older term - alcohol use disorder is generally used now. And not all people with AUD drink at 8am. You’re obviously not feeling your life is disturbed by drinking so if that’s the case it’s likely you don’t have a dependency or problem but you are drinking unhealthy amounts that increase your risk of cancer, heart disease, diabetes and many other illnesses. You risk your healthy life span being shortened. Your sleep, memory, hormones and liver will be affected.

If I were you I’d try to have 3 nights off alcohol a week and go from there.

Although having caught up on your subsequent posts where you’re drinking to cope with loneliness and empty nest syndrome id say you may have an alcohol problem.

How many units last night I wonder…or should I say…how many bottles ?
Should be easy to work out as you weren’t sharing it with anybody.
About 10 units in a bottle OP.
And it’s recommended that you shouldn’t exceed 14 units per week.
So if you drink every day, I’d say your sister is right to be concerned.Your liver is taking a battering with every glass you ‘enjoy’.
Give her a call to thank her for caring and resolve to stop drinking.
Maybe she can help you cut down and stay on track. I bet it wasn’t easy for her to make that call, knowing how defensive you would be.

Do you drink yourself to sleep when you are on your own because it’s hard to face the reality of some aspects of your life? These things do creep up on you but drinking will be making that worse.

If your two lovely sons came home to find you tipsy/drunk, you are setting them a poor example. I’m sure they are worried about your health too.
Let that be a motivation to cut right back.
Take good care of yourself OP.

You sound pretty similar to me & my DH, I've recently stopped drinking 3 nights a week, just to give my body a break and time to recover and reset. I didn't drink at all last weekend but this week we've had social events W Th & Fr and we are now on holiday. It's hard when out but I often volunteer to drive so the option is not there. I'm trying to explore more 0.0% drinks to find an alternative as I don't like fizzy soft drinks.

I think it’s a bit of both. The amount you drank over the weekend with your sister seems reasonable enough for a “fun weekend” and given she barely drinks at all, she is coming from a very different perspective. 1 bottle of wine split three ways over an evening - so what?!

I think your issue might be that you’ve set your lives up where most nights are treated like the fun weekend. In many way, all power to you! However I do think you need to recognise that your body, liver and brain don’t care about the reasons why you are consuming alcohol, and they really don’t care about the quality (I have a couple of verging on alcoholic friends who have made this error…) If you split a bottle of wine three ways every night, you’d be at 50% more than the recommended maximum for a woman.

I’d be thinking seriously about cutting back on alcohol to either actual weekends and holidays only, or only with friends. It sounds like you have built a great life with someone you actually like, don’t risk having it cut short with liver disease or dementia. And learn to enjoy sex with your husband sober!

Drinking daily is quite excessive.

I genuinely really like Noughty “champagne” from Waitrose and a shandy made with 0% Punk AF IPA is a great summer drink. Both got me through two pregnancies and I’ll happily drink them now!

You don’t sound like alcoholics at all.

For health reasons though, I would cut down on the drinking. Alcohol is empty calories and brings no health benefits. I would aim for no alcohol on 3-4 days a week.

It’s always good to have a pause from drinking alcohol and shows you aren’t developing too strong a reliance on it. Lots of good alternatives out there.

You're not alcoholics imo but you do use alcohol as a tool to have fun with and I expect you're well over your 14 units a week (check out the size of your wine glasses!)

If I were you I'd use this as a wake up call. Cut back to 14 units a week or under and drink only 3 times a week

Keep the alcohol to under 14 units a week and drink 3 days in the week. You don't have to drink alcohol to have fun

Wow. That is rather shocking imo

Clearly didn't read the full thread.

Or how wonderful to see women supporting your future health

With these long threads i usually just read the OP replies and it's really clear she's unhappy the more she drinks and the thread goes on.

It starts out we have a great life, dc doing well, we're social and fun etc, but OP you're very lonely and drinking to make it seem ok.

And tomorrow you'll wake up feeling shit from alcohol and reading this thread. I think you'll try to get it removed, but maybe you should keep it to read back on.

Cut your units down, find other ways to fill your time.

you’re not alcoholics but that sounds like far above thr recommended alcohol each week. It really does have massive health risks. If you want to enjoy a long retirement I’d look at cutting down. You can still enjoy yourselves and relax without alcohol

I dunno, but i wish i was you! Sounds like a bloody lovely life!

The WHO has stated there is no safe limit for alcohol ingestion. It's linked to everything including cancer.

You are drinking in excess of NHS guidelines. Try going out without drinking. If you can do it and still enjoy the evening, great. If not you have a problem.

I'm with your SIL. You need to quickly review your choices.