AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

I agree with that.

The important thing, op, is to be healthy. Eat nutritious food, have some exercise and keep your blood pressure normal.

I have read this whole thread from the beginning, and what started as a couple in their 50s apparently being happy, socialising and having a good life has really turned into something really, really sad to read.

@ByJollyQuail this is not just about alcohol anymore, is it?

Enough with the judgment. And enough with this thread. How about you just go to bed now, and in the morning call you sister, go for a coffee or lunch with her, and have a longer talk? Tell her that her comments have made you reflect, and that you would like to listen to what she has to say, and talk about some issues in your life. Start there. Start small.

There is a lot to unpack in what you've written. And it sounds like alcohol is just the pain killer allowing you to keep a semblance of a bearable life. But life does not have to be like this. Believe me. It can get better. It will never be perfect, but it can get better.

You can do this ❤

Your lifestyle sounds a lot of fun, although you're probably well over the weekly recommend limit, so probably not so good for you mentally or physically over the long term. I'm sorry you're struggling with the children growing up and leaving home. It's tough but does get easier with time. I found alcohol made me feel ten times worse when I was already slightly down. Perhaps you could try cutting down or having a break from it and see how you feel. I was curious to see how I'd feel having a short break from alcohol and that was over two years ago. I've never felt better and more in control of my life.

She's not having fun, she's lonely and sad.

What you think is judgement right now is not necessarily what you would think in the cold light of day when you are sober.
I get it you didn't think that you are a problem drinker until your sister pointed it out and came onto mumsnet expecting poster to back up your faulty perception of what is normal. Unfortunately what has happened is we have agreed with your sister and atleast in my case have noticed that you sound depressed which must be a shock to you. Continuing to drink and post on this thread tonight is not a good idea. Honestly get a cuppa and get some sleep and reread this thread tomorrow when you're sober

It does sound a bit that you two can't function as a couple without being drunk.

There’s an app called DrinkAware which I used as I was worried about the habit we fell into around lockdown of opening a bottle of wine most nights. It was actually pretty illuminating / shocking how much I was drinking (if you drink a bottle of wine you’re pretty much at the entire week’s allowance for a woman already!) but I also found it showed me how easy it was to cut down; single rather than a double, G&T rather than a big glass of wine, pouring smaller glasses, having an alcohol free day, alternating with a soft drink etc. Now I have young children my consumption is minimal, but the main thing I’ve done is cut down on drinking habitually at home (which I’m sure I could justify doing!). So if you’re curious, maybe worth a try

Well that was a lot of fluff in your opening post to explain why you drink so much!
None of it relevant either.

No, I don’t think your sister is overreacting.

From your updates, you sound really unhappy to me and are resorting to drinking to fill a void.
Could you reduce the days you drink to at least give your liver a break?
Or just reduce the volume / alternate drinks with non-alcoholic ones. There are some great no or low drinks available now.

Tomorrow, when you're sober, have another read through the thread @ByJollyQuail

You'll easily be able to see how drunk you got in a short space of time.

Then you need to work out a way to get help for yourself.

we like good alcohol that’s all

What’s “good” alcohol?

I’m like your sister. I don’t really drink, but will have a glass of Prosecco at a wedding/party and maybe a cocktail at a nice restaurant every now and then. But I never drink in the house. Alcohol caused my endometriosis to flare up so I avoid it.

To me, your drinking does seem quite excessive. As long as you know what the health risks are and you don’t mind spending your money on it. Crack on.

I love my husband more than anything he’s the one that gets me and loves me

It's becoming clear from your posts that you are drinking to fill a void in your life. If your sister knows you well, perhaps her concern isn't simply about the amount of units you consume but that you are using alcohol to self-medicate against your unhappiness and she's worried about where it will end up.

Many posters won't read the full thread and will just respond to your original question about how much you drink. My suggestion would be to start a new post tomorrow asking for advice about how to make some positive changes in your life. You are likely to have another 30 years ahead of you on this planet. You sound like you have raised two wonderful children. You deserve a bright future too Good luck X

you can enjoy life without alcohol everyday.

I've seen many alcoholics now in 12 step programs after years of denying alcohol abuse, it starts like this. You and your partner are not at that stage and can reverse things before it gets to that stage, but be aware they all said they would never become alcoholics and were exactly as you've described some years prior. Now they have fatty livers, one has cirrhosis and struggling to pull their lives back from the brink.

Not saying this would be you but only that it could be from your description and denial is the hallmark of it. Maybe you will both just carry on as you are but personally I think alcohol everyday is becoming a dependency.

Thanks to all the nice lovely people there’s sufmee some judgmental people on here on Their hughshorese

Ooh this thread reminds me of the one a few months ago.

The OP was absolutely bladdered and started arguing with everyone. Then she started quoting posts just saying DELETE thinking that would delete the thread 🤣. It went on until the early hours and she came back sheepish the next day but could laugh about it.

In all seriousness @ByJollyQuail your problem was with your sisters concern for you. She wasn’t wrong. But this thread has escalated into your husband being “insane”, your sex life and that you’re lonely with no real purpose anymore apart from drinking with your husband. I hope you find other avenues in life that bring you joy and content.

So you can't enjoy all the things you like doing without alcohol?

With so much sorrow in the world, so many people struggling to survive, so many coping with illnesses or disability or abuse, it seems so very sad to read that someone who is so fortunate creating their own misery.

@ByJollyQuail
I was a bit taken aback by how much identifying personal information about your adult children and your life in general was in your post.

It's not a great idea, given how many of these posts end up in the papers etc.
Not saying this to nag you, as perhaps you are relatively new to MN, but maybe you should ask MN to take this post down and re post a much shorter question as all that personal stuff didn't have that much to do with the eventual question.

I would also ask your GP what they think and get your blood pressure, liver etc tested.
I'm not anti drink at all, far from it, but as you get older your body can't take as much alcohol as you previously could. Now is the time to get checked and rein it in if you need to, before you develop something serious and are less able to reverse it.
Try using the DrinkAware app to monitor how many units you are really drinking. It is an eye opener.

It's perfectly possible to cut back to a healthy level, and have more soft drinks or zero alcohol drinks and still enjoy the evening.

You will sleep better and will be taking in less calories.

Your sister was right to mention this to you. She's concerned for you and that's a good thing. You say you can give up at anytime, so prove it to yourself. It won't do you any harm and could do you a lot of good.

In vino veritas...

I get it. We are a similar age and drinking every evening just becomes a habit. It’s nice and also (for me) the best medication when you are feeling anxious or life is getting to you. I do go through periods of stopping every now and then because I start to become vaguely uneasy about the amount I drink, worry about the health aspect and I think I actually feel more depressed the next day. It’s not easy though and I miss it. I’ve been on a two month break but know I probably will drift back to it at some time.

The drinking is just a sticking plaster - a way to avoid facing the truth of your relationship. You are both lost and the socialising and drinking is all about avoidance of reality. If you give up work in your 40’s you have to have some structure or plan about what comes next. You enjoy work yet you’ve gone part time for no obvious reason. You are just going along with things but you’re not happy and it doesn’t sound like he is either.

Pretty much everything else?

hughshorese !

Oh op come back tomorrow, please have a sweet cup of tea and something to eat and go to bed.

Your emotional and alone and needed to vent. I think you're aware you're in an loop that's got out of hand.

Letting go of the kids and being proud is a tough one, especially when suddenly you're not really needed much anymore.

Don't downsize yet, they keep coming back!

I don't doubt your love for your husband but I have read your other posts which you have shown not all is right.

I think it's too much and too often.
OP says she can't remember having good sex while sober.
That says it all.