Middle finger

[naturetrail]

Dd2 1st birthday little family tea party today. Dd1 15 moans she doesn't like her photo being taken. I respect her privacy and NEVER post her photo anywhere but I do take photos of all my kids for memories. Today I've taken photos of everyone throughout the afternoon. When I've sat just now and looked through my camera roll dd1 has done a sly Middle finger in every single photo that has her in. Ones with her and ds and dd2, grandad, aunties, uncles etc. I'm absolutely fuming that she's spoiled every photo.
I spoke to her and said I can't believe you've done that and that I'm really cross she's spoiled the photos. She said oh mum I've told you i don't like having my photo taken and then she's flounced off because I'm being ridiculous in her eyes.
Am i totally out of order on this? I take the photos as memories and photos are so important to me. All my childhood photos were destroyed which dd1 knows really upset me, so capturing memories feels ultra important to me and maybe thats making me over react and i should just laugh this off?

That should say "few staged smiley photos".

Second thread this week about a DD who doesn't want her photo taken

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5559113-dd-refuses-to-be-in-photos

Stop parenting? How is not being her personal taxi service not parenting? Creating a caring member of society who can do things for others is parenting. The children that are being created are entitled and have no sense of doing something for others because it will make them happy. I would question are you parenting or pandering?

Of course we do. Work, school, etc. But a young woman who wants to have the autonomy to opt out of something like family photographs is not a big deal.

I have never wanted to look at any photos of me - even when my mum talks about me as a baby I change the subject.

Not everyone is interested in poring over family photos of themselves.

It’s a photo! What is not right about a photo at a siblings birthday party?

It isn’t like she didn’t tidy her room or something. She wanted to opt out of something that she shouldn’t have to do.

The OP could have got plenty of photos of the other family members. Unfortunately the situation is of her own doing - the DD should be able to control whether photos are taken of her or not, it’s not like she pushed in and ruined them.

What’s right about forcing her to go along with it?

‘Absolutely fuming’, really? She hasn’t ‘ruined’ the photos. You can edit them if it annoys you, or just laugh about it.

Coercion is the act of forcing someone to do something against their free will by using threats, intimidation, or physical pressure. It removes a person's power to choose freely.

Do you call that parenting?

Tell her to go to her room next time there's a family event where you are taking group photo's. My phone has an automatic object eraser tool,could you use that to fix the photo's.

@FrippEnos, it can feel like bordering on coercion the zeal some people feel about taking photos.

As someone that doesn’t like having my photo taken, and it isn’t even anything to do with how I look, I am confident in my appearance, I just stand back and watch. Occasionally someone will make a comment but I don’t take it personally. It is about them not me, but I won’t be in their photo.

My DH and I went to a black tie event recently, he likes a photo opp, I took photos of him. He showed others at a later date and everyone said and where’s one of you? There wasn’t one. I do remember what a wonderful dress I wore and that we had a fantastic time. They are my memories.

My DGM had dementia, it was so sad to see her not remember any one in the photos the family insisted on showing her. Thankfully they stopped eventually because it was causing her distress:

She told you she didn't want to be in the pictures so fair enough. You should have told her to get out of the shit if she didn't want to be in it.

You are not being unreasonable at all. She acted selfishly. But it's also typical 15 year old selfish behaviour. It's developmentally normal for them to not see a bigger picture and only see their own feelings.

Go on Facebook and find a photoshop group, upload photos and ask them to edit out your DD's middle finger. Or you can do it yourself with Gemini or something.

The same could be said about me forcing my child to have their nappy changed, forcing my child not to tell lies, forcing my child to go to school. There are many things in this world that we have to do because we just have to or it’s kind. Coercion is all around us - what do you think following the law is. You are forced to do something because of a threat. Why don’t I speed along a deserted country road - because it’s against the law.

parenting is teaching your child the difference between being kind - letting your mother take a photo of you and coercive behaviour - someone wanting to take inappropriate pictures of you. It’s teaching your child what is kind and what is inappropriate. The daughter is 15. Not 5. There can be layers to a rule.

we teach our children not to hit. And then as they get older we bring in caveats to that - if someone is attacking you it’s ok to h back and defend yourself.

She’s not wanting a picture at the beach. She wants a picture of her kids at a birthday party!

Because sometimes you have to do things that are kind to others. I’m assuming her mother does a lot for her. Could she just smile in a couple of photos just because it would make her mother happy. I don’t think there is anything wrong is showing different ways to be kind.

Well she did warn you...

What a crock, this has nothing to do with health (nappy) nor safety (law) this is purely about forcing someone to do something that they do not want to do.

At 13 the courts would let her have a say in what happens to her
At 10 she is criminally liable.

The DD has set her boundaries. Parents should be respecting them and not trampling all over them.

Stop taking pictures of people who have explicitly said they don't want to be photographed. It's creepy.

If someone repeatedly took my photo when I’d made it extremely clear that I didn’t want them to, I would also resort to this.

If your daughter has told you on multiple occasions that she doesn’t want her photo taken but you still go against her wishes then it’s not surprising she’s done this. I can remember doing similar in my teens when I was forced to have pictures taken but in those days, my parents didn’t know until the photos came back from the film processor a couple of weeks later 🤣🤣

This is just petty nonsense, and setting up for a poor adult relationship further down the line.

As the parent it is your job to facilitate your child’s life, even when they are being a daft teenager who doesn’t always do what you want them to.

My DD13 has phased into not wanting her photo being taken ……. And as much as I dying to take a million photos of her as I am the ADULT in this situation then I can teach my daughter that she deserves her boundaries to be respected, and hope that she will eventually CHOOSE to be in photos again.

This would be Dd2 in our house and I would absolutely laugh, roll my eyes with Dd1 and say typical X. I don’t anticipate she’ll grow out of it because it started as a tiny toddler sticking her finger up her nose deliberately to look like picking her nose in photos too. Her future wedding could be fun if she ever finds a partner they will have to be as mad as she is!

I do at least admire her commitment to the cause

Why would a loving mother want a photo that she knows is an entirely false impression of a willing person smiling for the camera?

She would effectively be asking her daughter to lie as well as surrendering autonomy over her own body.

Why would a mother want a picture of her daughter? Seriously?