Middle finger

[naturetrail]

Dd2 1st birthday little family tea party today. Dd1 15 moans she doesn't like her photo being taken. I respect her privacy and NEVER post her photo anywhere but I do take photos of all my kids for memories. Today I've taken photos of everyone throughout the afternoon. When I've sat just now and looked through my camera roll dd1 has done a sly Middle finger in every single photo that has her in. Ones with her and ds and dd2, grandad, aunties, uncles etc. I'm absolutely fuming that she's spoiled every photo.
I spoke to her and said I can't believe you've done that and that I'm really cross she's spoiled the photos. She said oh mum I've told you i don't like having my photo taken and then she's flounced off because I'm being ridiculous in her eyes.
Am i totally out of order on this? I take the photos as memories and photos are so important to me. All my childhood photos were destroyed which dd1 knows really upset me, so capturing memories feels ultra important to me and maybe thats making me over react and i should just laugh this off?

She will probably have 100s of selfies to look back on. I don't think she would be bothered by your punishment.

That’s a bit harsh and completely unrealistic and one that you too would probably regret too (assuming you’re even a mum). You wouldn’t take photos at their graduation or any other event ever again?

OP, YANBU. This is such poor behaviour from your DD, and actually incredibly unkind on your younger DD’s birthday. I’ve a DC who is prone to this type of behaviour too.

My teen DC (well, my DSs) really hate me posting on social media, so I don’t. But the idea of mandating no family or individual photos is nuts, and wouldn’t be tolerated.

Why did you take pictures of her when she said not to? And you’re not “making memories”-you’re taking pictures.

I mean, I’d find it funny. But I appreciate there are some people that wouldn’t - my mum being one of them!

Not if they didn’t change their tune, no. If someone doesn’t want their photo taken then I don’t take it.

I'm delighted to read about a 15 year old girl who doesn't like her photo being taken. Beats inane posing and selfies everywhere any day. I'm sorry you lost your childhood photos, but she did tell you she didn't like her photo being taken. It may sound odd in this day and age but having your photo taken when you don't want that is intrusive. I feel you've ignored her boundaries. You could always photoshop out the offending finger? I find it pretty funny TBH.

Edit the photos to take out the finger. And give her your finger repeatedly.

Just get ai to remove it.

It’s not a punishment. it’s respecting what she says she wants. I wouldn’t let her ruin other family photos by forcing her to take part.

Will she fuck. I hate being in photos due to my parents. And whilst I have no reason to believe ops dd is avoiding them on the same complex grounds, I’m mid 40’s and have absolutely no regrets about having only a handful of photos that exist of me from the age of 7 or so.

What a strange comment.

I’m sure not much, or anything at all would have cheered up parents who’ve just lost their child.

😆 Sorry @naturetrail that did make me laugh! 😆

As pps have said, photoshop is your friend. There are many ways to edit the photos(s.)

So you would force her to be all happy and smiley in family photos. What does you wouldn't tolerate it actually mean?

My sister used to do this . She knew i hated it but did it anyway.
I smashed the fuck out of her phone
She never did it again

That sounds like very like emotional blackmail. You can't live every day of your life thinking about what would happen if you died tomorrow when you're 15.

If the photos were for you to keep for your own memories and not upload, then her behaviour was very unpleasant. You can't go back and re-take those photos.

Most people don't enjoy being photographed, but when it's a family event, you just suck it up. Your family know what you look like. It's not that big of a deal. Photographic evidence is not going to unveil my double chin that no one's honestly ever seen before.

I would make her edit them, removing the middle finger.

If you are planning to upload them, I'd allow her to edit herself out, to respect her wishes.

Just use AI to remove the offending finger.

What she did was rude as fuck but forcing anyone to be photographed against their will is ten times worse. Autonomy is a real thing.

I know a couple of teenagers who do this! I think maybe it's a TikTok trend thing?

So you believe she should be forced to be photographed against her will? That’s a great message to send a girl, that her wishes are irrelevant

Don’t make her edit them, on the basis that she’s more tech savvy than her parents that could backfire

I have loads of photos of my then teenage DS doing the bunny ear thing behind some family members head or peace signs or rock hand signs. I'm surprised his sister didn't get bunny eared photo bombed at her wedding.

As someone who was a self conscious teen I think that's almost worse though. You don't have any control over your exact face expressions/whether you have a mouthful of food etc if someone takes a suprise snap of you. So you end up having to be constantly on alert for the person with the camera sneaking candid shots and can't sit/eat/talk naturally without thinking is this going to be captured for all time. If you don't care about having your picture taken it's not a big deal. If you do, it's very unsettling.
And I get that to you a picture of your 15 year old with her mouth open saying something, with her eyes slightly closed as she blinks, or a mouthful of food still looks nice. In 20 years time she would probably look back and think I looked lovely. But when you are a self-conscious teen those photos are mortifying and depressing. Having your parents tell you you are beautiful doesn't really help. At that age children are independently minded but really don't have much control over their lives. In lots of ways. And there's lots of stress/pressure to do well in school, look good, behave. A parent lurking ready to take candid photos when you have specifically said you don't want any photos is another way of taking more control away. And putting up a middle finger is a way of taking that control back.

I don't think you are evil or abusive for taking the photos by the way. It's quite a standard parent thing. But I also think her reaction to the photos was quite reasonable. If what you wanted was candid shots, and if you think she looks lovely in those sorts of photos then presumably she still looks lovely with her finger up... And if you want photos to look back on and memories, then you have them.

I doubt the mum will regret taking a few family photos at a special family event, you’re acting like it’s not a totally normal thing to do.