Middle finger

[naturetrail]

Dd2 1st birthday little family tea party today. Dd1 15 moans she doesn't like her photo being taken. I respect her privacy and NEVER post her photo anywhere but I do take photos of all my kids for memories. Today I've taken photos of everyone throughout the afternoon. When I've sat just now and looked through my camera roll dd1 has done a sly Middle finger in every single photo that has her in. Ones with her and ds and dd2, grandad, aunties, uncles etc. I'm absolutely fuming that she's spoiled every photo.
I spoke to her and said I can't believe you've done that and that I'm really cross she's spoiled the photos. She said oh mum I've told you i don't like having my photo taken and then she's flounced off because I'm being ridiculous in her eyes.
Am i totally out of order on this? I take the photos as memories and photos are so important to me. All my childhood photos were destroyed which dd1 knows really upset me, so capturing memories feels ultra important to me and maybe thats making me over react and i should just laugh this off?

I hate when people take "candid" pics which turn out unflattering. Mouths agape, people eating, etc. Some people really are embarrassed by unflattering pics of themselves, too. OP really should have asked her 15y dd to pose or move out of frame. Her daughter warned her. 🤷‍♀️
I take a tonne of pics of my dc, delete bad ones, adjust the frame if poss for a better pic/expression/eye contact etc.

Some of these views are interesting on a site that supports boundaries and consent.

Don’t you find it a bit funny? My kid used to do this and it’s a great memory of his personality at the time.

however I have a kid that doesn’t like photos so I don’t take them. Stop taking her photo. She doesn’t like it, she told you that so perhaps you got what you deserved and perhaps you will listen next time.

You need to respect your DD's wishes.

You may also need to read some books or see a therapist about not projecting your feelings about something that happened to you in your childhood onto your children. Your children are different people with different thoughts and feelings.

What's happened to your DD is just as upsetting as what happened to you - potentially more so as it was done knowingly by her mother.

Respecting her autonomy as a person is important, it is only be respecting her that she will learn to respect others.

I have to admire her dedication!

I would be fuming. but there’s no point in getting cross. However Personally I would stop doing things that I don’t want to do for her for a while. And explain that we all gain from things by being in a family. You don’t like having your photo taken, that’s fine, I don’t like driving you places, having friends over, putting money on your lunch card at school, paying for clubs, giving you pocket money, free board and lodging, housemaid service etc. being in a family is sometimes about doing stuff you don’t like to make others happy.
the fact that she went out of her way to ruin the photos is really unkind. That’s a moment you’ll never get back. She will understand when she has children but that’s a while to wait.

The fire has impacted you - the photos themselves were not the cause of your pain, it was losing them in a fire that caused the pain. If you'd grown up without photos, that would have been a different scenario.

You are not preventing your DD feeling future pain, you are creating current pain for her and potential future pain as she will have to look back on you disregarding her wishes in a situation where she should be supported to make her own choice.

I'm sorry the fire impacted you, but your DD is not you, she needs to be allowed to make her own choices.

To put it right you should really edit her out of the pictures entirely.

If you are not careful, she might stop attending as soon as she has that opportunity.

It’s not about ‘forcing’

It’s about expected behaviour at a family event. Taking photos at a birthday party is a usual activity; deliberately ruining them is nasty behaviour and would be called out as such. I’d hope that our shared family values would mean it wouldn’t happen again once we’d talked about it.

I’m amazed that some posters find it funny. It’s horrible behaviour, really mean.

She doesn’t consent to her photo being taken. Yet her parent insists on taking it anyway. So she reacted in the way many teens would.

It is ‘mean behaviour’ to continue to take her photo knowing she doesn’t want it.

So you would stop helping her, not because she ruined the photos but because she didn’t want it taken in the first place?

I am usually all for consequences etc but thst is batshit.

being in a family is sometimes about doing stuff you don’t like to make others happy.

To an extent yes, but her reluctance is nobody else’s business but her own. She has the right to refuse, if OP had respected her wishes then OP would have lots of lovely photos of the day and DD would have been able to relax and enjoy the party in the knowledge that her mother was going to respect her wishes

You make it sound like you’re constantly on your phone OP. Maybe put the phone down and actually “make memories” (bleurgh) by engaging with people. Tbh it is annoying when someone is constantly taking photos/filming.

Why does your desire to take photos of her trump her desire to not be photographed? She has explicitly told you that she doesn’t want her photograph taken, and it sounds like you have taken lots today from your list, completely disregarding her feelings. I think that in this situation it is you being disrespectful, not your DD.
I quite admire her quiet protest.

OP’s wanting a photo of her daughter who went out of her way to ruin all of the photos. Yes there would be consequences for that. And it’s not just about consequences. It’s about sometimes you do things you don’t want to do for each other. She’s not asking for unreasonable photos. Her DD never has to see the photos. The photos of my children are really important to me. They all know that when we go out or have an occasion that they smile for a photo for me and I’ll happily do things for them eg pay for rides, ice creams, play in the sea etc. It’s just part of the day.
if Op was wanting photos of dd first thing in the morning, relaxing in the evening in front of the tv, whilst she was eating or before her first interview for a job or something inappropriate then I could see the objection. But at her kids birthday!

we learn duty when we are young, we learn to put others first when we are young. If we don’t enforce it then they’ll never learn it.

This is fabulous. She sounds great. The photos aren’t ruined. These are the memories, not only do you get to capture what she looks like at this moment. You’ve captured her spirit and you’ll laugh about it in the future.

Sorry op I am also team DD. I think that’s quite funny and hopefully you can laugh about it some day.

I also say this as someone who lost their childhood things.

Parents’ requests are not always right though.

At least you have photos I guess 🤷

It's embarrassing but my dc as a teen wouldn't let me take any pics of him at all. Even group pics he'd turn away.

Pissed me off royally as he'd let indirect family members take pics so as not to be rude, and spent forever on Snapchat etc, but I simply wasn't allowed to take them. I was also not posting them anywhere.....

Annoys me now though that family members share pics on Facebook and have memories of events including pics of him that I simply don't have, seems so wrong as his mother 😭

I'll have a convo about it with him one day and he may actually understand, but I've tried previously and he just says I'm being silly 😔

I think that’s the memory right there. You’ll look back at these photos in 20 years and laugh. Don’t edit them - it’s hilarious

There are pictures of her on her socials, so she doesn't mind her picture being taken? People are missing a big point here, she has control over what goes on her socials.

She has no control over the photos you take and there may be some where she absolutely hates how she looks in them but she has no control over them. If you'd offered her the ability to choose which ones were kept, or told her she could edit the ones you wanted to keep, maybe she would have been more obliging. Maybe she would have agreed with a free stage simply photos but instead she got you following her everywhere with a camera.

She asked you not to take photos of her yet you ostentatiously did so. She knew every single time you had the camera on her. She made her feelings known without ruining her little sister's birthday with a teenage strop.

She's a sharp cookie, I'd employ her!

I'll have a convo about it with him one day and he may actually understand, but I've tried previously and he just says I'm being silly 😔

Why on earth would you try to make your adult son feel guilty about things he did as a teenager and couldn't change of he wanted to!?

I have no childhood photos of me because I was your DD @naturetrail. I actually only have 2 photos of me, one when I was about 19 with a best friend and one with me and all of my family, which I joined under duress.

Photos don’t create memories for me, but I do have many memories in my head and experience.

We are all different aren’t we and should be allowed to be.

Your DD not wanting her photo taken is not problematic, spoiling family photos is.

My DH and my DGD love a photo opp. I just gently and without fuss slip away.

My DGD 15, loves taking photos and pours through them on her phone and on my phone, she sends them all to me, ”look grandma….look grandma…..look grandma”. She gets so much pleasure from it. I do look and laugh with her, because it gives her so much pleasure. But it’s not my thing.

And no I do not feel I have missed out because I don’t have photos of me growing up.

So you would stop parenting your DD until she did what you wanted?
What a fantastic way to show her that an abusive relationship is OK.

Oh and to add, my nephew, he is a YA now, didn’t want his photo taken, and made the most awful face when a photo was taken with him between his little sister and cousin at the back of the car. It is hilarious! I am really glad that one was taken and he is not embarrassed by it.

Who said I want him to feel guilty? I think understanding between us is why we have a great relationship most of the time. I just know I've previously broached this and he's not wanted to l listen. It may help him be a better parent one day 🤷

Have a great day! 😊

Why else would you bring up a long dead issue about something he can't now change? I don't understand how you think it might help him become a better parent, faced with a child behaving the same way, by being forced to talk about how bad he's made you feel.

It can't serve any other purpose that I can see than to make him feel guilty and for you maybe to feel slightly better about it for knowing he feels guilty. I hope for his sake you can let it go.