Middle finger

[naturetrail]

Dd2 1st birthday little family tea party today. Dd1 15 moans she doesn't like her photo being taken. I respect her privacy and NEVER post her photo anywhere but I do take photos of all my kids for memories. Today I've taken photos of everyone throughout the afternoon. When I've sat just now and looked through my camera roll dd1 has done a sly Middle finger in every single photo that has her in. Ones with her and ds and dd2, grandad, aunties, uncles etc. I'm absolutely fuming that she's spoiled every photo.
I spoke to her and said I can't believe you've done that and that I'm really cross she's spoiled the photos. She said oh mum I've told you i don't like having my photo taken and then she's flounced off because I'm being ridiculous in her eyes.
Am i totally out of order on this? I take the photos as memories and photos are so important to me. All my childhood photos were destroyed which dd1 knows really upset me, so capturing memories feels ultra important to me and maybe thats making me over react and i should just laugh this off?

@Papster out of interest if DD didn’t want to get amorous with a 3rd party. Said no, she wasn’t comfortable even though she’d got amorous at the times she felt comfortable and wanted to, would your notions then of consent and boundaries, as a concept be different?

That’s not what we’re talking about.
Have a good evening

Everything you are saying is that what you want is more important than what your daughter feels or wants. Wow

She asked you not to take her picture. You didn't respect that request and did it anyway.

Just because you no longer have your childhood pics and are upset about it, that doesn't give you the right to ignore her request. Pictures are a form of body autonomy and you violated hers.

So you're unreasonable.

Personally I would treasure them as memories of how cheeky and clever your lovely dd is.

Since you only want them for your children, aren't going to post them or show them to anyone else (because she hasn't given her consent), then the photos aren't ruined, are they? I'm sure she will have more fun looking at these photos in the future than of an old birthday party...

She’s old enough to know that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to.

I am honestly on the fence, and can see that some people are triggered and get very anxious at having their photo taken, I don't like having mine taken - unless I know it's being taken, and will never be photographed at home with no make up, my 'lounging around the house' clothes, and messy hair. But I am happy to have it taken outside, in public, at a party or event, and be in family photos etc...

But I know a few people who are not, and a couple of them are really annoying. A Christmas party of DH's work colleagues (2.5 years ago) was nearly ruined by one woman - Louise, aged about 28 - who kept crying out and wailing and screaming every time anyone wanted to take a photo. It was a PARTY!

She wasn't even in some, she was just ranting at how she MAY have been caught in them, and how someone MAY have caught her arse or her back and she would be deeply upset if anyone posted them on social media. Even when a few people were taking photos of a big group of people (about 10 out of the 16 of us,) she started yelling 'no no NO - don't take my photo, oh my God you're killing me!' Even when she wasn't in the bloody photo.

One woman had got the barmaid to take a group photo that included all 16 of us - with her camera, and Louise was like 'NO! NO PICTURES!' and the woman whose camera it was said 'oh for fuck's sake Louise, if you don't want to be on the group party photo, piss off and sit by the bar while the rest of us have it taken.' Louise was like and then... She didn't move though, she stayed for the group photo. Wanted to throw a tantrum at people taking photos, but didn't want to not be included. Silly mare.

It was a Christmas party! Everyone was dolled up in their best gear and nice make up, and nobody was taking photos of anyone without them knowing. Don't go out to socialise with people if you're so scared of having your photo taken!

Nobody tagged her in when they posted the Christmas party photos on Facebook, and most even put her on Restricted Friends so she couldn't see any of the photos... She did ask a few people when they were putting the Christmas party photos on, and they just said 'meh, not gonna bother...'

Sorry OP but that made me laugh. Don't give her what she wants, keep the photos and you can all laugh about it when she is older. While what she did was wrong obviously, I do think you should respect someone who doesn't like having their photo taken. Just because you lost your childhood photos I don't think that gives you the right to insist she poses for you. I think respect her views and maybe she will let you take the very occasional one.

So what? Pre social media and phone cameras in my childhood/ teens it was standard to have a professional photographer at competitions, and I genuinely didn’t care about riding photos with my face mainly obscured by a hat and a tiny part of the photo.
But I’d make myself sick to avoid a class photo at school.
Logical to an outsider, probably not, but I had my reasons, as I’m sure op’s dd does.

It's an example of a boundary though. The whole point of boundaries are that you can allow some people to cross them sometimes and it still exists as a boundary.
If someone insists I drink a cup of tea/eats some food of their plate despite me saying no that gets annoying because they aren't listening to me. The fact that sometimes I drink tea, or I was spotted eating a chip of Simon's plate last week is irrelevant. Likewise someone who is happy to have photos taken in specific circumstances but not the rest of the time.

We’re talking about consent in general. Ignore the Q if you want but same spectrum imho. No means no 📸.

Why not just take photos with her not in them or ask - can I take a pic? Even a few and let her delete the ones she didn’t like? You sound a lovely Mum OP, and for those who maybe don’t mind photos it’s hard to understand but for those of us who hate them, say no, to have people do it anyway it is really impactful.

I refer you to my previous answer

@Papster you’re ignoring the Q so no point referring to a previous answer. Why should no not mean no?

What goes around comes around. She may have a wedding one day and dd2 will be able to get her own back.

Well, she did warn you, I guess - your reasons are valid, of course, and it's not how you wanted it to be - but have a laugh about it, and both learn a lesson from it.

@naturetrail
This is going to sound like a random q but...are you and your daughter's dad together or separated?

She sounds really immature, my son is the same age and doesn’t particularly like having his photo taken (and I don’t share his photo either because of this) but I can’t imagine him doing this at all. I’m not at all uptight but I just wouldn’t find it funny like pp, it’s cringey at that age

Edit your photos with chatgbt.

I can’t relate to the drama of this. If it was someone’s wedding or a really significant event then fair enough, but it’s a ‘tea party’ for a 1 year old baby completely unaware of the occasion.

In fact I’d bet money that the day will become a hilarious family legend because of the middle finger, and will be remembered far more than it would ever have done as just a boring baby gathering.

‘Making memories’ happens in actual relationships, not in digital images.

The reason I asked if OP and daughter's dad are still together is because it may be a case of "sabotage." Daughter doesn't want evidence that she is happy within the other family as it may get back to father.
I speak from experience as my eldest did the same during his early teenage years. Divorce was far from amicable.

That's awful of her. Obviously if you were posting them, it's different, but where is the harm in private photos.
If she really didn't want to be in it, she should have looked or walked away. That's what any kid I know (lots in wider family/family groups) would do-they would never do that. I'd have been grounded with nothing for the rest of the summer if I'd done anything like that-I'd never have hurt my mum in that way.

Photoshop can take out the middle finger or Ai, but not seeing the photos l cannot tell if it would be difficult or not. Max Speilman photo shops can edit all you photos and you can still keep the originals, they are very good, unsure how much it would cost, but worth a try.

I'm afraid it doesn't matter how well intentioned you are or how much value you place on photographs, your DD1 didn't want you to take them and when you didn't respect her wishes she didn't respect yours. Please understand, this is not a rebuke, it's just a reminder that your children don't have fully developed frontal lobes and will react sometimes in an overtly negative way when they are forced to do something that they did not consent to. More importantly, don't teach your children to comply because an adult tells them/coerces them to do so - that can have far reaching consequences.

Have AI amend them. But I’d save them for the laughs