Middle finger

[naturetrail]

Dd2 1st birthday little family tea party today. Dd1 15 moans she doesn't like her photo being taken. I respect her privacy and NEVER post her photo anywhere but I do take photos of all my kids for memories. Today I've taken photos of everyone throughout the afternoon. When I've sat just now and looked through my camera roll dd1 has done a sly Middle finger in every single photo that has her in. Ones with her and ds and dd2, grandad, aunties, uncles etc. I'm absolutely fuming that she's spoiled every photo.
I spoke to her and said I can't believe you've done that and that I'm really cross she's spoiled the photos. She said oh mum I've told you i don't like having my photo taken and then she's flounced off because I'm being ridiculous in her eyes.
Am i totally out of order on this? I take the photos as memories and photos are so important to me. All my childhood photos were destroyed which dd1 knows really upset me, so capturing memories feels ultra important to me and maybe thats making me over react and i should just laugh this off?

You understandably OP place a high value on photos. As someone who despises them and having their photo taken just posting to make the case for the ‘other side’. It’s possible like me your DD hates pics of herself. Likely a form of body dysmorphia but my own aversion has meant couldn’t cope with an official photographer at my wedding, get anxiety (and usually formidable) that so many work events now have some eeijit taking pics. I was on a hen night once and told the happy snapper who wouldn’t listen, please 🙏, I hate photos. Stop. They carried on. I then said please 🙏 don’t post them on social media. They did. Even best friends, or so I thought have taken clandestine photos and videos of me when I’ve politely asked them not to. I’ve been in tears (and as I say no shrinking violet) many's a time as folk just impose their will over what I feel comfortable with. I take the ones when I want, but OP you need to listen to your daughter. She likely feels violated and like you don’t respect her wishes. Middle finger the only control she has when you impose your will. Not right, or fair imho. Certainly not for those of us who hate photos. We all have our own stories but expect my own aversion was sown when my older sister repeatedly told me how (in her view) I was ugly and no one would ever want me. Thankfully my handsome DH disagrees but he does understand photos, unless I say, are off limits.

Your daughter asked you to stop taking photos. I can relate to be honest, I never liked having my photo taken either, especially if it's to excess as seems to be the case here.

There are various apps that would allow you to edit your daughter's finger out, though tbh I'd find it quite funny to leave them in, but it unfortunately sounds like you're not the type to unclench enough to enjoy the joke.

They can’t have been that candid shots op if she managed to give you the finger so much.

to be honest, I’d laugh about this, because you want memories and right now that’s who she is, cheeky and doesn’t like her photo being taken.

try to see rh humour in it, look back and laugh when you see them.

Wow. Imagine being like you.

Unsurprisingly her boundaries have a bit of flex when it suits her

In fairness that is how boundaries work!

Even reading this OP makes me feel triggered. Seeing those folk alleging she is just being a madam (not their fault, they maybe don’t understand how impactful it is having secret snaps taken when you hate photos is). I’ve lost sleep, cried, had the knotty stomach (something wrong feeling) for days over folk not just respecting my wishes. Appreciate you not having your childhood pics is a big reason why it is important to you but just trying to highlight, how violating it can feel when you’ve said no thank you, but a friend or family member thinks they know best. I’m in my 50s now and never 👎 once had a thought 💭 that I wish I had more photos let alone getting a montage on a big birthday. Might be worth speaking to your DD tomorrow and assuring her you won’t post any publicly. That you are sorry, didn’t realise it was so important to her to not be forced in them and that reason you didn’t listen was because of your own experiences. Tell her when she feels comfortable you would love a pic just you and her and she can pick the ones she likes to have some control.
Overall, try not to be mad at her, deep down, even if she is supermodel material she maybe in herself (like me, aside from supermodel material!!) just feels rubbish about how she looks. That feeling obvs being subjective not objective.

She has control over that footage. Someone snapping away when you’ve asked them to please not is entirely different. Not OPs fault. She’s just coming at it from a different angle.

So her own socials have loads of photos but the family snaps aren’t good enough? I’m afraid that part of going to a party is that you might get caught in an unflattering pose in the background of someone else’s photos.
Spoiling the only video of your younger sibling’s 1st birthday cake arriving because you think your mum takes badly-lit photos is just a bitchy thing to do. If she’d done it at a friend’s party rather than family one she’d be getting a LOT of grief from them over this. She owes her Mum an apology. I’d be reading her the riot act.

She could’ve just moved, rather than sticking up her middle finger.

She’s told you and you haven’t listened. Get the message now. If you want to make a point deliberately remind her everytime you take a picture to move if she doesn’t want to be in it.

I love the emoji idea.
I would have a consequence from this as it is rude.
I'd agree to the request from now on but get your daughter to write it for you...so in future there is no "where am I? You always favoured DD2" when you look through photos together
Sorry OP it is a sad choice

See the OP’s post about her daughter’s social media where all these potential concerns about being violated and body dysmorphia are thankfully allayed

This, absolutely.

Serves you right for not respecting her wishes, OP.

Not true. Her DD has control over her social media. Taking sneaky snaps when someone has asked you not to, is ignoring a boundary at best. Consent is important. Not just with photos.

She’s told you her boundaries and you have ignored them. I have this exact same problem with my FIL and it drives me fucking insane

She doesn’t have a problem with her photo being taken, and anxieties around it… her social media is full of photos of her and her friends. She’s just behaving like a moody teenager and doesn’t like her mums angles and lighting.
OP you say the photos were candid but they can’t be that candid if your daughter managed to stick her middle finger up in all of them.
Daughter has been a brat to do this but also don’t think what she’s done is too horrific. Saying that I guess it depends what she’s like the rest of the time. If she does other stuff like this and she’s becoming a right handful and you’re having other issues with her, I’d be pissed off about this thinking it’s just another thing. Whereas if generally she’s a good kid and this was just a silly blip, you’ll look back and laugh in a few years.

You should have respected her wishes. Good on her for finding a fun way to make her point.

Policing her friends’ socials must be very time consuming

@Papster as someone who hates getting their photo taken without consent it’s maybe hard for you to understand. We all understand boundaries and consent in other contexts. I’m maybe missing something but why is this different?

Okay so they weren't sneaky photos. Things like i took a photo of dd2 on a swing in the garden so i was stood in front of dd2, making her giggle and phone up taking her photo. I was looking at dd2 and didn't even notice Dd1 who is stood behind swing slightly to the side talking to my sister. She has her hand down by her pocket with middle finger stretched out. Not like i was deliberately taking her photo. Another one is of the sandpit. Dd2, ds, several cousins all in sandpit. I've taken a photo of them all playing. Dd1 and another cousin are sat on picnic table behind, she's holding phone to her ear with middle finger.
Photo of my dad and siblings sat round chatting, she's stood behind my brother pushing her fringe back with her middle finger.

Do any of you banging on about consequences or the riot act actually have teens or adult dc that are well balanced, functioning humans that still actually genuinely like and respect you or speak to you?
Mine are both early 20’s and from being preteens I can think of dozens of weird and unfathomable phases or hang ups they went through. We didn’t solve them by forcing our will, just respected their wishes.

She seems fine with social media and I doubt if she’s vetting everyone else’s posts.
Shes being inconsiderate and rude with her family.
Your mileage may, and clearly does, vary.
We’re not going to change each others minds

In your opinion.

Correct