AIBU for struggling to understand why my neighbour does not leave?

[Howyoudoings]

I know I will probably get ridiculed for this but I would like someone to explain. I will start by saying I am autistic so I see things differently and probably more straightforwardly than others. My neighbour is in an abusive relationship. He is horrible to her. From the moment they woke up this morning at 7 o'clock he already said he hates her and called her a see you next Tuesday. She works from home and she is not allowed to have friends. She goes nowhere apart from dropping her kid off at school and coming back. Yet he constantly claims she is cheating. She rents the house, it is in her name, and she pays all the bills. He is controlling, demanding, and constantly argues. She cries in the garden saying she hates him, and the kid says he hates his dad. She tells the child that is why she stays away from him, meaning she spends as much time in the garden as she can. Now this is what I do not get. Why not leave? I have spoken to her and all she ever says is that it is not that easy. But why isn’t ?
I feel sorry for the kid because they are the only one in a situation they truly cannot leave. I think as a mother your child is the most important thing. so I never understand why you would let your child grow up in a household like that. If you can’t leave for yourself leave for your child .

People don’t leave for many complex reasons that are hard to understand unless you have experienced them. But it must be really upsetting for you to witness this op. Can you speak to her when he’s not around to check in on her ?

You must surely understand some of the reasons that might exist for stop someone from just leaving?

Maybe she's worried that she will have to leave her child with him 50% of the time if she leaves. She's staying to protect her child from time alone with the abusive man?

Also, don't underestimate the effects of abuse. Her belief in herself is probably at rock bottom. Language is formative; if he tells her how shit she is all the time she'll believe it.

Poor woman, sounds absolutely grim. I wonder if there's some fear around the father getting regular access to the child, so if she leaves the son will be alone (and unsafe) with the dad without her there to protect him. Warped logic yes, but he may have done a total number on her psychologically over a long time.

Horrible situation. I think she gave you an answer though - it isn't easy to leave, or (presumably, as house is in her name) kick him out. Reasons could be financial or maybe because he's isolated her she feels she has nowhere to go/ nobody to turn to. If he's controlling, perhaps she's scared of what will happen - he might be violent. What straightforward solution do you think might be available?

That’s why I’m asking what reasons? I can think of loads why she should leave .

• she's scared of what he'll do when she does and/or he's made threats about this
• he's nice and/or promises to change at least some of the time
• he's made her feel that she can't cope alone or he's the best partner she'll get
• she's scared of what he'll do to the child if alone with them and knows the abuse will carry on through the child
• it's her house and he refuses to leave or he's on the house documents
• she's just trying to get through each day and doesn't have the resources to make the decision to leave right now

I’ve spoke to her , the house is in her name she pays all the bills . She said she is not sure what he spends his money . She says she will be better off with out him , but still stays I just really feel for the young child

I also think this is complex and unfathomable to anyone not in it, but it’s very common with abused women, it’s not about the kid as someone tried to make out , it’s about them, it takes something like an average of 9 attempts to leave

a police officer friend of mine said the job they all hated in the police was domestic violence, it was soul destroying for them, he said it was the same women, time and time again, and all they would hear is but I love him. Slowly these women got so beaten down they barely were recognisable as the people they once were. The police do every thing they can, and the women fight to stay with the man, it’s why the law had to change so they don’t need the woman’s input.

He has an extensive criminal record, would that not go towards supervised visits ?. Surly a child growing up with constant and I mean constant abuse. Damage him more .

There is a reason why domestic abuse charities openly list symptoms of domestic abuse so people will understand why its hard to leave. - because the poor victims of it are trapped. Domestic abusers are very skilled manipulators. They break the victim down, convince them they are worthless, that no one will want them if they leave, they control them financially and socially so they are limited with money and are often estranged from friends and family. Quite often the victim will defend the abuser to because of fear they will find out and it will only make things worse

It seems to me the victim is often made out to be a bad parent or foolish for staying. They aren't. The abuser, the actual bad person in this has created the environment which isolates and traps the victim to the extent they dont know how to leave.

Is the child at school age? Does the mum talk about her child?

if you are actively afraid for them at any point, call the police; if you are concerned for the child’s wellbeing call police or social services. I’m not saying this will fix it or that a psychologically abused person will snap back into a different life, but it’s something that you can do and it may help.

Not if the man kills the child to get back at the Mother for leaving him

I imagine it's fear for her child that is the main driver for her to stay. It would actually be easier for her if the home wasn't in her name because currently she has to get him to leave, rather than just walking out. He has it easy and won't go willingly or quietly. Currently she is always there to protect her child, she will be terrified that he will want unsupervised access if they split and then they will be alone with their Dad. If she has no support network outside of the house then she will really struggle. Like a lot of things, changing the situation is easier said than done, and when you are ground down and exhausted the mountain is even more daunting to climb.

Maybe it’s something I will never truly understand as I see things very black and white . So does my husband who I have been with a very long time but if he abused me or are children I would leave . As I grew up in an abusive household and never understood why my mother stayed either ( she left when he went to prison) she never really has an answer . And I guess I struggle with not having answers to things as I’m very logical and practical thinker . ( house is in your name , you pay bills financially safe, if not call women aid claim UC , stay with family etc . Change locks call police will it be hard yes but in a few years time your situation will change . if you do nothing it stays the same forever.)
she has started saying herself she would be better off without him . Which I said she would be hopefully I have planted the seed.

Some of the women who leave these type of abusers get murdered by them. Its easy to say call the police and change the locks but the police won't do anything until he actually attacks her and somtime those attacks are fatal. The most dangerous time for a lot of these women is after they leave the relationship. Abusers don't care about non molestation orders or getting arrested.especially if they don't get jail time.

Start calling the police and social services each time you see or hear abuse.

He already attacks her, his broken her jaw in the past . Surly living with him everyday would make it a higher risk of getting murdered and her child.

Have you referred the child to social services OP?

I have the police say they can’t do anything as she denies the abuse . He is told to leave for 24 hours and sneaks back in when the police leave

and socal services don’t seem to do much .

Yes . Nothing seems to get non apart from a visit. Don’t get me wrong I wish she would leave for herself but that poor child it’s heartbreaking .

I think constant abuse - verbal, emotional, physical alters your brain chemistry. She will be in a freeze state, unable to find a way to remove herself which is why shelters are so important. Often people need to be out of the environment to enact th change that’s needed and if she is WFH she doesn’t have access to the safe, calm space required.

But that’s a IF. the situation and the abuse that is happening now is real .

Child is witnessing, therefore child is a victim. Report to the child's school DSL (anonymously by letter if you're worried about repercussions) who'll make a report to social care. You must not attempt to stay neutral, that child is having his childhood ruined.